I have come to the realization that I am joy from Inside Out!
I’ve never understood the need for sadness. So I avoid sad people. I avoid thinking of what will make me sad. That’s why my filter is so small. I forgive so easily because I don’t want to remember what makes me sad.
I am reminded that everything I ever wanted I lost because of the last relationship I was really sincerely in with my heart and mind.
By now I hope I would have been working on my PhD, hopefully at UC Berkeley. Shopping at the Adidas store that sits right across the street from it preparing to get ready to be a professor of African American studies concentrating in the culture of hip-hop.
Remember it was the love of my life!!
Or sitting comfortable after accepting the after graduation offer to be a manager at Jewel Osco. The offer I received the summer my mother died.
But I loved.
And I lost.
And I lost me in the process.
I lost my ability to relate to I. I lost my I, in the process of relating to someone who made me feel so insignificant.
I realized that. I acknowledged my emotions. I cried a little. I encouraged. I loved.
And after my daughter got out of school I let her play at the park. She ran. She climbed. She was overfilled with joy.
And when she laid on me on our ride home she told me that when she gets older she will never leave me. Because I’m the best mom ever.
And then it hit me.
See I celebrated yesterday my friends birthday. I wanted to go all out, cooking all that good food with her. See when I was sad after my mom died, she helped me clean up for my birthday party to make sure I celebrated my birthday. Not just observed, but celebrated. She encouraged me through the decisions. To have her or not. To stay with her father or not. And she just listened to me.
And sometimes like in inside out, we just need someone there through it all.
And I lost but I gained.
I gained an understanding of what real friends do. I got this beautiful daughter.
And now. I was sad. But now I’m happy again. I had my moment. But she and I sit here watching Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory, the original one. And we enjoy our time together.
No one can be happy 100% of the time when life always hands us low blows. But it’s enjoying and appreciating the moments.