Day 17

Jill Scott sang, “you broke me but I’m healing”

I’m healing.

I’m healing.

I overheard today, release. When you grieve you open the door to your inner self.

Too often I would try and pretend eveything was alright. So my ‘haters’ couldn’t see me sweat. All the while I’m dying on the inside. And realizing people who truly have people to be jealous of them are living such a meaningful life they don’t have time to notice who don’t like them. 

I’m sure the meaningful life comes from letting go of the toxic one.

See. These days I’m healing. I’m allowing light to reflect through my broken pieces.

That’s another thing I overheard today. Broken pieces allow you to let light shine through them.

I’m thankful: for my broken pieces have been rebuilt into this masterpiece I call myself. The one who doesn’t care about perfect hair, or makeup, or high heeled shoes. The person that doesn’t need to control others. If you’re happy at whatever you’re happy doing, do more of it.

Jesus did it.

He rebuilt my wall and bolted my door. And in doing so secured my inner outlook on self. And the need to make sure I’m okay before I offer assistance on helping others.

See today. I overheard a boy talking to a girl about his need to get baptized so he could be saved. He went on and on about how it’s time he feels. And he let the girl talk him into it.

My chin may as well looked like Jason’s mask and Freddie Kruegers hands after an attack. Bloody and whatnot from biting my tongue. But I shut up. A relationship with the Lord is personal. No one can tell you what you need because He will draw you in.

Either I plant the seed, or water it. Ony God can make it grow! Into changes, relationship with him or etc!

So here I am. I am courageous enough to share the things in my life that were designed to kill me. But they didn’t. They wounded me, but I’m healing.

I cried for a moment thinking that I am happy. For real. My daughter is happy with me. So much so that when the little boy with the pink pouch chose not to play with her because his father shook his head before he was about to, she confidently decided she didn’t want to play with him and ran to play with someone else, and finding no one she can confidently play by herself.

Yes. We play well with others as long as they show love, respect our boundaries, and do not try to control or manipulate us. If they fall short. We WILL play by ourselves.

Life is only lonely alone when you don’t love yourself.

I choose to remove toxic people from my life for that very reason. She will always know she doesn’t need anyone. But God. She can enjoy, love and appreciate people. But she will never need them.

I don’t need them. 

They broke me. But I’m healing.

I’m healing.

And maybe I’m healing to show others how. And maybe the people with the strongest aversion to others are the ones they can benefit the most from.

So yes. Smiles are on deck. A happy little person and I. See I’d rather be happy riding the train than crying riding in the comfort if a car with someone who claims to love me but doesn’t know how to show it.

And I made my choice: it’s not an easy one but I had to count the cost. My lively hood. My smile. My daughters smile and her livelyhood. And most importantly who she would choose later on. We tend to choose what we know and see the ones we love accept. 

Three cheers for happiness. 

Hip. hip. hooray!

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