Day 32

I set a mouse trap today.

Meaning.

I’m learning how to further take care of my home, without waiting like a damsel in distress. 

Exterminating all obstacles to success.

I cried a little bit today, but did not give into the sadness. 

The things that hurt me happened to increase my awareness and discernment so BFFs wouldn’t continue to fail me, tell my secrets behind my back, and turn my closest friends and family against me with their lies.

I am thankful for clarity.

One of the men my grandmother tends to show generosity to is sleeping in my car. 

Well someone keeps vandalizing it. Breaking windows. Stolen radio and all my personal documents and paperwork. A person on drugs would probably have made sure to get my purse out of the backseat with a few dollars in it still. And to top that all off now the person who is vandalizing it is trying to take the tire off my car.

I guess they figure I can patch a window I can’t move with no tire.

My family has lived in this neighborhood over fifty years. The guys, struggling with their addictions that do handy work and odd jobs for the family, are constantly roaming the neighborhood. 

My family believes in the right To conceal and carry.

Like one of  The neighborhood guys said. We don’t hear of stuff like this in the neighborhood.

I only know one person good with electronics and cars.

Anyway.

I am thankful for clarity. Understanding. Knowledge. Wisdom and discernment.

Peace.

I am living life for the first time since a teenager sober AND single.

Dealing with problems with only God as a crutch. 

I don’t mind crying. It’s telling God I am weak, and I need him. He already told me in my weaknesses  his strength is made perfect. And the joy of The Lord is my strength. So that means if I humble myself and seek his face to fellowship and commune with him to admit I am weak I will get his joy strengthening me perfectly!

 That’s why i can be happy.

Despite. The doctors calling this nerve that causes pain in my back where sitting for too long becomes torture, something that ain’t mine. So I keeps it moving. Walking works best for me. But since I can’t do Shaun T’s insanity like a maniac or his T25 these pounds keep packing.

Despite my lack of transportation that keeps me from getting to the service I serve at on Sunday. I have no fear. Just a sound mind to know if someone would vandalize my car, what would they do to me?? Be safe. 

I asked one person for a ride. My pride is continually being broken. I guess I’ll ask the one that will say yes eventually.

Despite not having an income while I am off work for all these weeks. God has kept me. No thank you all the wanna be sugar daddy’s. I have a little girl who looks up to and wants to be everything I seem to be doing. 

Despite living amongst the… You name it, it’s here with me. And every time I try to get on my feet to get away from here something knocks me down.

I guess I was supposed to find out who was so close to my bloodline that died of an overdose so I can learn how to manage my own addictions.

I wouldn’t have found out had I not been here in this predicament!

Because This new addiction is still a sin. Even though people would rather point at sexual sins than talk about gluttony. 

Nope. All sin. Keeps us seperated from God. That’s why none of us can be perfect on this earth. I know, KNOW, I need God daily!!! I need the blood! The sacrifice of Jesus that brings me into fellowship with God.

I pray I will stop taking his mercy and grace for granted!

God. 

He keeps me. Focusing on him. In his word. Reading books for my spiritual maturity. Reading books period. If you only knew my story and stint of not being able to read. 

But God.

Teaches me how to set traps for everything the enemy presents to me.

But God.

Gives me this natural high when I’m lost in him. I actually can stream service. And praise dance in the open space God gave me strength too see past the mess to find beauty in and created for just that reason before they brought more stuff to store. But it’s enough left over. And I can run through this apartment, God has moved the heart of man to let me occupy for this season. And sing to the top of my lungs. And move my feet. And exclaim his magnificence with all these beautiful words he has given me a vocabary to do so with. And pray loudly. While service is going on without having to hear she know she…

So.

Weeping may endure for a night. A week. Some months. A season. But joy is coming in the morning: if you let it.

So. Let it!

Be light. But most importantly, be love!

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2 thoughts on “All the reasons not to yet I choose to

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