I’ve never been the one to have to touch the fire to know that it burns.
I’ve see others cry: I believe you.
So I know to stay the course and stay the distance.
That’s why I’m so candid about my life’s experiences. If you can avoid some of my pitfall mistakes all the best to you!
As a young woman the first guy my momma let me date was a man who looked more like LL Cool J, than he liked to admit.
Always licking his lips.
He was too fine. I had just moved to Boston. All the girls liked him. But I had been too busy beating guys off with a stick in Chicago with my “I’m staying a virgin until marriage” mindset.
Since he was a part of our religion my mother handed me the phone when he called me for the first time. We would talk for hours.
He would wake me up with beeper messages saying 143. Code for I love you back in the day. I’d reply the same. Before he went to school, and since I was homeschooled I was just working.
He would often meet me after school, at my job just to say hi.
He explained to me something that stayed with me all my life.
Some women you sleep with and some you marry. He also happened to not be an American man. So his mindset was bred outside the U.S. For 13 years before he moved here.
I loved him.
He wanted to marry me.
I was a virgin.
We would go to sometimes 2 or three movies a week. What else was I supposed to do at 18 with all the money I was making, with no bills besides a cell phone and beeper bill, besides have a ball!
We balled out!
I didn’t marry him. I wanted to travel. I wanted to go to school. I wanted him to wait. He married someone else a year later. I was hurt. But I learned.
I’ve read somewhere that women tend to get addicted to men once they deal with them intimately. It’s hard to assert your self when you are being intimate with someone you are afraid to let go of because you don’t even know you are low key addicted to them.
I learned. Because of always wanting to be the marrying type that the less I gave the more they gave in return.
I watched other women taking care of men. I saw them giving them their bodies. I saw them having baby after baby for different guys and still with no ring and I wondered what was I going to do different when I got ready for an unplanned pregnancy, with my own daughter.
Sometimes I think of the family my daughter needs and deserves. The car breaking down the two times when she was only a couple months when I tried the family thing and we kept trying to go get our marriage license. His wedding band I’m sure her father got rid of. And I wonder how did I get him to commit to going the altar when so many others failed to.
I still don’t know.
But when I am reminded of my aunt telling me to wait; I am thankful.
Because in life we grow and change. And the things we are willing to accept changes with our value of self.
Now. With my walk with Christ. Living to love God my Father and please Him, I choose to live holy.
I am thankful for the way I was raised. There is a strict call for holiness. Even if they don’t know Jesus as Jesus, and call him Michael. But those guidelines help me now that I love Him and know Him for real. Because what I used to work hard to do with my own might, abstinence, now it can only be achieved for real through the Holy Spirit. I just ask for God to keep me. I don’t want to fall anymore. So when those ways of escapes are made I’m running like Joseph did from Potiphers wife!
No longer willing to make the same mistakes. No longer wanting to be devalued, misused, and left whenever another or better option becomes available for a boyfriend who won’t make me his wife.
I want better. I ask for better. And if someone isn’t willing to give then that’s just not the man God has for me. It’s okay. I was a preschool teacher for five years. I got a little practice with this patience thing. Now God is perfecting it!
So. I, like my favorite poet, am willing to wait! Her name is Janette-ikz. And she wrote a poem about waiting. I will wait for you. And when her husband came. He cried while she recited a poem to him.
Love! Gods love. It’s pure. Between man and woman supposed to be shared between husband and wife.
So. Respect. Self. Love. Self. And watch how things can change. I know. I’m watching it through new eyes and all I can say is thank you lord!
He did it for me! I know he can do it for you too!!
So now when a man tells me he wants to see me. I tell him what concert I want to attend and tell him to make plans. Chrisette Michelle is coming to town. In December. That’s how a couple of forevers starts.
People have a hard time believing people can change. But God all things are possible with Him!
It starts within. It starts with accepting Christ as the head of my life and my personal savior. It starts with self love and self worth! Knowing I deserve the type of love I recieve from a perfect God who will teach my imperfect man how to love me His perfect way, through the words given in His word.
So I am watching and learning. Like a good researcher does.
I don’t need to play with the fire the enemy is always sending to know that it will burn me.
I am waiting!