Don’t get caught in the friend zone!

Let’s talk about honesty.Honesty and integrity when dealing with others.

Honesty, integrity, and loyalty when dealing with the opposite sex.

I watch people who claim to be or have a best friend get little ( be gone) when the friends new love interest comes around. This goes for those who call people brothers/sisters, cousins, or whatever because of not having courage. Or rather the humility to let someone know you are interested. 

What if they don’t share the same interest. What if they tell someone.

So what?

It’s life. Live it without regrets. And pray for discernment that you are interested in a person who knows how to be discreet. And reflects the discretion you carry within yourself. 

Remember we are a reflection of the things we are attracted to.

I mean all I’m saying is don’t get friend zoned.

I had a best friend turned boyfriend once. The longest relationship I was ever in. There was no fighting. There was mutual respect and understanding. There was love. Because love built on trust and respect turns into something greater.

But he didn’t operate in deceit. He didn’t like me in the beginning. It took a transformation (of mine), and a sweet potato pie for his birthday before he became interested. But as soon as I felt the shift he told me, he didn’t wait and act in cowardice. See before hand he listened to me talk about the guy I was interested in. Quietly. Giving good advice. And even after we got together and I was confused about whether I should choose him or the one I had been dating, he was willing to take a step back and let me pursue the other relationship because his love for me was unconditional. Not based on what I had to give him, or what he wanted to gain.

See I have had people play the friend role, then slip in outings that they secretly calling dates. And then give me the googly eyes.

We are friends. Stop it.

Be bold enough to state your intentions so I can let you know early that’s not how I feel, or maybe it is.

But I’m usually bold and blunt. I won’t pretend to be someone’s friend when I am interested. I don’t want to hear about your love interests and I’ll tell you why. 

Because if I was your girlfriend…

Someone got mad at me. He could no longer carry out his role as my friend because when he had the chance to tell me he was interested someone else was showing it. 

Someone is always interested. Someone is always calling. 

I get to choose who. 

Who will be the best fit for my daughter and I. Because she’s just as much a part of the equation as I am.

Anyway. Someone else saw what Common says in his song The Light. It don’t take a whole day to recognize sunshine. I opened up. I blossomed. And he decided to pursue something. And my friend got mad. Couldn’t even be a friend when I got hurt in the situation. But had he been honest and let me know he was interested, instead of constantly talking about the guy that was for me, he would have had the opportunity to see if I could’ve been the one.

But. Loyalty is everything. And a person that turns their back on me in my time of need when I have done nothing to physically or verbally hurt them, has shown their true colors and for that I am thankful.

So. Maybe my sisters have made this too easy for men. 

Always throwing themselves at them. Turning our backs on each other or cattily in our interactions with one another for the affection of a man. Throwing one another under the bus to make ourselves look as if we shining in there spotlight when we see his eyes connecting dots with another woman. Or tearing her name down hoping she wi be like Eve manipulating that man to see things her way when she needs to be pointing him to God, asking God to order his steps and praying. So now brothers don’t know how to pursue a lady. They don’t know how to act around a lady. A woman who won’t pursue a man. A woman who will be wooed, pursued, and courted. 

Whatever my past contained it did not contain me running behind a man, trying to make him love me when he wanted to be somewhere else. Talking bad about another sister that may have been a good for for him. Because anyone knows if a man choose someone that’s not a good fit he will eventually make ways to get out of her way and go back to pursue what he wanted in the jest place before being blind sighted and deceived. My thoughts are; If you want someone else go. I know my worth enough to know you’ll probably be back here like a few others have been crying for me to give you another chance. But. IT’s all in how one ends a thing. How much integrity does one operate in?

I believe a man should be a man. He should make choices. He should pursue. But women that make themselves so available playing the friend role, sister role, or whatever role waiting for vulnerability doesn’t let that man do what he needs to do as a man, which is take a stand, a choose what he wants. Not just what had been made easy for him.

So. Friends. Don’t get zoned. Level out your clear intentions so both people can feel safe in the interaction. 

It’s all in the name and sake of love!

Because we can’t build up our community until we first build up our family structure!

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Who been fighting for me

I have had so many bad experiences in my life. When I was younger I didn’t have to wish bad on them. I would take matters into my own hands.

The best friend who slept with the one man I wanted to marry just so happened to find inappropriate pictures of herself on the popular social media site at the time.

Oh well. She shouldn’t have made me smell it. Decency would have at least had her waiting until i wasn’t around.

I lost a lot after that year. I definitely lost a friend who’s friendship would’ve been repaired. I chose something else over my education and had she been the voice of wisdom I was used to hearing about schooling, education and my intelligence I would have definitely chosen school. I may have even been at my destination by now.

But all things work for the good of those who love God.

I may love God but I may not have always shown love for people. Maybe a little selfish like David. But God still sees something in me to let something be birthed in me. Like God says in Hosea, he never wanted me to give sacrifices, he wanted me to want him.

Relationship.

Or the friend who talked me out of the help I needed, eventually turning family against me. I definitely shouldn’t have bad mouthed her and told all her business to someone I thought would keep her mouth closed.

Integrity. Is the key to loyalty.

Life becomes what you make of it, and vengeance is mine says the Lord.

My daughter saw a witch on the computer and wanted to watch the movie. I had to explain to her there are no good witches. Everyone who uses magic, or sorcery, or spells, or incantations, or divination, words they find to send dark angels to do wickedness to others or even perceived good for themselves is not pleasing to God.

I had to explain that to a childhood friend of mine who kept going to psychics for money spells. Sometimes Gods way is like the Isrealites way through the wilderness, a little bit longer, but there are some things we need in that wilderness that will prepare us for the jounrye ahead. God will not give us what we are not ready to handle, or incapable of dealing with.

Maybe like the young woman who a couple of complete strangers said was doing these dark arts on me. She wanted the relationship I had. She was probably one of many Katy Perry was singing about when she said, So you wanna play with magic?

There is a book store in my old neighborhood that has these books about gypsy spells, voodoo and hoodoo, and when I lived in Boston and heard my friends speak of their family and friends doing these things I thought it was just pretend.

Obviously when God told the Isrealites not to take the practices of the lands they were in, magic was probably one of them.

The Egyptians were good and known for what they tried to do. The Egyptians were the ones who were able to throw their staffs on the ground like Moses and make a snake too. But Moses’ staff turned snake ate the Egyptians’ staff turned snake.

People are doing more and more wicked things these days. They present themselves as people that should be acceptable to others and then go behind their closet doors praying to someone totally different than they do in public.

But you wont know people by who and what they say they are. You will know people by the fruitages of the spirit they carry around with them. The Holy Spirit.

See in instances like people who practice dark wicked arts the only way to fight their fire is with the fire of God. Praying. Living a life acceptable to God and turning our backs on the wickedness of the past. Letting the Holy Spirit lead, and applying the blood of Jesus.

See the young woman who thought she wanted my relationship and did whatever she could to destroy me and him in the process had a few different series of unfortunate events. God fought that battle for me.

God is constantly fighting battles. it doesn’t matter how long we feel we have been getting away with something. If we don’t repent and God keeps giving us the chance to change, or stop our behaviors which are displeasing to Him he deals with us personally.

In one of the last posts of the year for me, this is a call for repentance. Knowing that there are some people who come into other peoples lives to leech off the favor of God on their lives and pray against it. Or people who actually do what someone has taught them to do that gets their anointing snatched faster than Saul’s after being disobedient to God and keeping some of the animals God wanted destroyed but he saw was good for sacrificing, and needing to go see the witch of Endor after strictly forbidding such things amongst the Israelites.

Disobedience will have people who are used to hearing from God searching in places forbidden by God because of their need to manipulate situations to fit the life they want others to believe they lead and live.

I pray. We all live to love God for who he is and not what he has to give. And walk in obedience.

Live to love God, and fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom. Fearing God and keeping his commandments keeps us on the right track.

I hope to always find favor in his eyesight, even when I don’t find favor in the eyesight of man. God doesn’t see what man sees. He sees the hearts. People can distract you with their outer appearance. Make their appearance be that of a comely person. But their hearts be filled with hot garbage.

So.

Choose wisely. Our choices make up the life we live and the world we live in.

Repentance is only a knee bend away. Praying to God our Father through our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. You can invite Him into your life by asking HIm. Being led by the Holy Spirit to find a good bible based church, and getting closer to God through His word.

Change can come for all.

I hope yours comes today.

Brand new mercies, my cup is filling!

My job had been to get people to their destination.

For the past few months I have been driving down one of the roughest streets on the west side of Chicago, affectionately coined Chi-raq by someone, and made famous by Spike Lee, for ten and a half hours on Sunday. Times I have wanted to be in church. But I have been, mostly, faithful in getting up for 7:30 AM service. Singing with the choir, going back home to get a nap before starting my shift at 2:46 which ended at 1:55 am. 
God has been faithful, even though I haven’t always been.

Who I was and who I am is two different people, but because of that I take heart in being a servant. By serving Gods people I serve him. And getting people to their destination is a blessing. I love to hear the stories of happy healthy lives free from toxic people after God has used me in some way form or fashion. Seeing Him work in the lives of others builds my faith!

So. 

I have been driving this bus. But before I was driving a bus I had been encouraging friends off floors with suicide letters tucked away. I have been giving my last to make sure friends got where God intended for them to be so they could experience the best lives ever. I have used the word of God, the Bible, to encourage and upbuild hurting people from near lifeless situations. And I never needed the applause. I never speak of the homeless I feed. Or the clothes I give away. When I do I do to receive a reward in heaven. Man is fickle. One minute they love you. The next they turning the people you thought you needed away from you.

It’s all about hearing God say, well done my good and FAITHFUL servant. 

I just want to be like him. A reflection of him. In my dealings with others. Because where I haven’t always been this Radiance, I am thankful for knowing who and what I was a capable of being so I can forever be grateful to God for seeing something in me to use me. For giving me not just material needs but blessing me with peace, love, joy, and a little bit of kindness in the mix. 

God was thinking of me when he saw I was once a dishonorable vessel used by our great enemy to bring turmoil and distress in other people’s lives. But God! Cleaned me up: got the hatred, anger, envy, bitterness, greed, deceitfulness, fighting, confrontationalism, and the list goes on out of me. He poured all that out my cup. So he could break me to remake me In order to fill up my cup with goodness.

So many times we forget how gracious God had been to us. How merciful he has been. When we have been caught up in wickedness. How he covered over our sins. But some are quick to point at others transgressions. You can’t take the splinter out of my eye with a tree in yours. Your vision is distorted. 
So God reminded me!

Matthew 18:32 Then the king called in the man he had forgiven and said, ‘You evil servant! I forgave you that tremendous debt because you pleaded with me. 33 Shouldn’t you have mercy on your fellow servant, just as I had mercy on you?’ 34 Then the angry king sent the man to prison to be tortured until he had paid his entire debt.
35 “That’s what my heavenly Father will do to you if you refuse to forgive your brothers and sisters from your heart.” 

 

I get to forgive! Because I know what it’s like to be in the wrong and God still loving me, using me, blessing me, and forgiving me!

So. Next time you see fit to remind someone of a past thing. Or something someone else has done to offend you. Don’t worry about the perks. You’re trying to hurt. God is watching. He is remembering. He knows what you ask for. He is the one with mercy and grace to give. And he is watching is all.

So for that I am thankful. No more needing to defend myself! God been fighting for me. And He will fight for you too. Forgiving you too. As long as you remember that mercy we give is an extension of what has been given us.

And I remember so I never again have to forget.

Keeping opinions on hush mode..

I had a friend thank me.
Praise God. If I have moved anything. Done anything. Sad anything. Helped anything. Praise God. I’ve never been that nice. But my love for Him makes me want to be kind to those He loves. But yeah. I just so happen to love this lady. So I might’ve. But still praise God.
We were talking about relationships. And how I was the only person who never said she needed to leave her relationship. 
That’s not my job. Pray.
That’s God’s job. To lead you and direct you. I can give you my roadmap. The word of God. And let Him do His job from there. I struggle to balance my own life in my own hands I cannot carry the world on my shoulders. 
Lean not on my own understanding, but in everything I do I need to acknowledge God.
I can only acknowledge Him for my needs. He wants that one on one relationship with you. He wants people to come to Him.
Not to man. But if only His people which are called by His name would humble themselves and seek his face. Not brother or sister so and so. Not your mother or father. Not your cousin, sister, brother. 
God!
I had someone talk me out of my relationship. And the help I thought I needed was no longer available to me. And the stigma of being left with a baby followed. And when I went to visit her in her near million dollar home she purchased with her abusive mate I felt some type of way. The things her cousin told me her mate did to her, caused an eyebrow to raise. 
I was bitter.
See. I understand now that what we go through and who we choose is personal. I believe in the power of prayer to change. I believe with God anything is possible. He has changed me. He has changed people around me. 
My own two, sometimes four eyes have seen this. So now I have learned that my poor vision was intentional. I have been taught to walk by faith and not by sight.
I once loved. A man. He would beat his first love in the middle of streets. Later on he blackened the eye of the woman he was deep in love with. And he was honest with me about this. But he never touched me. And I know I hurt him in ways that should have had me worried or nervous. Kicking him out at 2 in the morning. Screaming and calling names, cussing and name calling. Or that time or two I did a couple of worse things than that. But not me. He never physically hurt me. While still a toxic relationship, I had to choose what I wanted to do. Because his past wasn’t necessarily going to reflect his future with me.
People learn lessons. And grow and change. And no one can make a person feel like their past behaviors are the end result of who God will help someone become! 
My Father who art in heaven, is skilled and masterful intelligent in his ways of taking broken pieces and turning them into masterpieces.
So.
The next time your advice includes anything besides take that thing to God, maybe it’s time to reevaluate your true feelings. Because we should always want what god wants for a person. And no one can know what that is except for God. Our opinions mean nothing when God has a plan for us all.
He says. He knows the plans he has for us. To prosper us and not to harm us.

So how can my opinion include a course of action that may not be the best for you?

So.
I live to love God. And be pleasing in His sight. And what is more pleasing than bringing his people to Him?
So I do. Keeping my opinions to myself. I know what I would do, but since my was and thoughts are not like Gods, silence is best when it comes to telling people what they should do in their relationship. 
Praise God! He gives wisdom!!! So ask Him for it. It is available to you as well!

Balanced outlooks

I’ve been wondering a lot about people. 

Like why they so mean? But I used to be a mean girl. Ran with the Billy crew in grammar school. Why did I? Insecurities. A false sense of worth and security. In putting others down I had a false sense of heightened self worth. Because if I wasn’t as bad as them I must’ve been kind of good, right?

Why do people choose people who mean them no good, and reject people that want to love them?

I go and check up on friends or exes from time to time. In relationships where they are not happy or don’t have friendships that encourage and motivate. And I hurt them and let them go because before I realized my worth there was something deeply hidden within which couldn’t fathom how someone else could see the good in me when all I saw were the ugly cuts and bruises. I didn’t understand how much love God has for me. So I couldn’t see how Ge could send someone else to truly love me so I settled for the scraps. The people who mistreated and misused, abused and hurt me because I felt like I didn’t deserve mercy love and a fresh start. 

But God.

He is delivering me from old behaviors.

Old ways. Old mindsets. And the pain of the past. The pain my body holds onto and it manifests in areas of my body I never recognized having pain.

But now it’s surfacing.

The pain underneath my scapula. Left side. The pain in my knee joint. Or my lower back. The pain that comes to my wrists.

And then I’m like, by your stripes Lord you said I am healed.

And then I get that feeling. Like I’m hearing him say, but didn’t my word tell you some things won’t go except by fasting and prayer? Oh. Then.

I gotta go on this liquid diet. Juicing fruits and vegetables to heal my body? Oh. Then.

Or didn’t the word of God say pray for those who persecute you?

I have to pray without ceasing. In praying for those who don’t like me, speak ill of me, hurt me, or whatever, I let God heal my heart by having enough love and compassion for those ones. And I free myself from the pain of rejection, abandonment, or the out in the open hurtful things that people do when they are hurting themselves.

We see people as we ourselves are. Which means we treat people the way we see ourselves as well.

So deliverance.

It. Takes. Work.

Sometimes it takes bring alone. If a person doesn’t like themselves it is hard to be alone. But it’s in that alone time one can hear the quiet still voice of God, some call intuition. But when you’ve got so many other people talking how do you learn to discern God?

It takes releasing. 

Every day comes I let out air like a balloon. It’s like God has punctured those things that came to fill me up with behaviors and thoughts and actions that weren’t like him. They came with the interactions of people that hurt me. Every cry, scream, yell, whimper etc is the release of the things that once hurt me more than anything.

So when my body begins releasing the air in a belch or something similar I am releasing.

I am letting it all go.

I can find peace. I can let go. I will and I do. I have. And the pain in my body dissipates. 

Letting go requires work. Faith without works is dead. So I work. 

And the smile on my face is authentic. It becomes easier to ignore subtle disses to my character. I can say nothing back when someone is screaming at me out of my name. No need to judge the behaviors or actions of others. Or talk about them behind their back. When I get frustrated or anxious I can ask God to remind me of a scripture that gives me hope. I am hidden underneath him. So I stay high. Praying and reading my word! Talking to my favorite friends and sisters. Hobbying. Writing. 

Because I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength. 

Yes God. I am learning a balanced life. I am blessed for it all. Because blessings aren’t in the material provisions. But in the godlike qualities that gives me the chance to enjoy those things!

So I don’t forget the mean. I pray for them. I do my part. With everything. And I can watch God my Father do the rest!

When people try and talk you out of a relationship … Jesus!!

Over the past years I have had these people who insist of attacking Jesus try to talk me out of him. 

The Muslim who says he is not the way. That he is merely a prophet who is not The Son of God.

Or the Jehovah’s witnesses who told me that he is Michael the archangel.

Or the man who was trying to talk me into believing in Egyptian gods and spewed open disdain and hate towards Jesus.

What? Do you mean??

I have my own relationship with him.Matthew shows how when Jesus was choosing his dies cooked he chose them. He called out to them and said come with me. They listened.

I have been listening. Learning and loving  Jesus. 

I don’t know about anyone else but when someone is trying to talk bad about a person to me, or their interaction with them, it makes me want to get to know them for myself. Because that person may nt have something for the person talking bad about them, but they may have something for me. And what if I miss out on what they have for me because I choose to make them my enemy because of some silly rules about loyalty to man. 

Your enemy is not my enemy. Gods enemy is my enemy. I am not loyal to man. I am loyal to God. And whomever he sends me to, I go. Whomever he wants me to encourage I will. Whomever he wants me to give to I will. And sometimes I go ahead of God and speak out of turn. And I promise something to a person I can’t give. And thank God he allows me to see how people respond to me when I have nothing to give them. Because he knows when I have a lot I give without reserve!

Now I am here. With Jesus. Walking and following. And my life is changing. The pain from the last is going away. I am releasing the hurts. My addictions are gone. My body is being held and kept. I choose to live holy. I love those who treat me bad. I am living for God. I don’t follow rules of man. If God doesn’t say that’s the rule I need to follow. But when he places me under leadership I follow those rules. Because I love Him. 

Oh the old me is dead. I won’t even reminisce or think about how I would’ve reacted before.

See. Change is something only Jesus can give me. If I have been placed in his hand by God my Father, then he knows how to give me what I need in order to get the changes I need in life. 

So. Maybe just maybe. When people try and talk you out of down thing it’s because they don’t want you to form your own opinion. 

Like I was talked out of, forbidden actually, to go into a church all my life.

Oh. What a life I would have had had I believed those people. Still drinking. smoking nearly a pack of cigarettes daily. blowing trees like the breeze. new boyfriends, because after being with a man for almost four years and having my heart broken, and then experiencing pains that as a young woman protected from in long term relationships I never knew, Giving my heart away for another long term relationship was by in the plans. Sadness, depression this time of year missing my mother and father. Overeating and emotional eating. The list goes on.

But once I started this new life and walk with Jesus, he stripped these things off me. I brought him my tattered rags. And he is giving me the new magnificent apparel to wear. Righteousness, peace, love, joy, self control, mildness, goodness, faithfulness, kindness, FORBEARANCE! 

  
My God!! All this time I have been looking for cars and houses, husbands and diamonds, furs and clothing. Shoes and boots. Gidgets and gadgets. But God!!

He has been giving me all this good stuff on the inside to share with others. Those other things are just for me. 

How selfish!

But love, I can share. Kindness I can give away. Self control has people wondering what is keeping me so calm when everyone around me is screaming and calling me names. Calling my momma names too. 

Oh but Jesus!

And that’s why. It’s important to form your own opinions. Because only God knows who is supposed to be in our lives. 

Lean not on my own understanding. Or someone else’s perceptions. But God! Give Him glory in all things. Even in our interpersonal relationships. 

So I will. Walking in love. I will!

Me, myself and I 

I used to feel bad about people who once spoke to me, laughed with me, talked to me and stopped.

I used to internalize people’s reactions to my behaviors. Especially reactions without having a conversation with me.

If I have offended someone. And they take this information to someone else, (who then in turn starts looking at me funny), but never bring it to me can I be blamed for a slight I don’t know about?

And furthermore. Why would a person get in their feelings? Especially being a believer when Jesus says forgive 77×7. So how can someone hold a grudge and love at the same time? 

I used to want people to know me. Know who I am. So you can root for me. So you can believe in me. Because I used to struggle with that.

Now I don’t need that. Jesus validates me. With love and peace. In the depressed season, being my mothers ony child and her and my father being deceased. Raising my only child alone. And constantly stressing about who is going to help me pick her up from school so I can work I should be a nervous wreck. But God!

I used to want to explain myself. My favorite tv shows are The New Adventures of Old Christine, Friends, Seinfeld etc… My sense of humor is different. I’m usually joking around all the time. I’m silly. I like to play. Sometimes my jokes are said with a serious face. Like many of the punch lines on my favorite shows. 

Or. I’m blunt. Straightforward to the point. I love to converse and get into debates and discussions. I love to give and recieve insight. But like a debate. I will listen to your point of view. Then take my turn to give mine. And if we can’t agree let’s agree to disagree and go get something to eat.

That’s me.

And I don’t do the phony or fake. If I smell an undercover diss to me or anyone else I see a person giggle and teehee with I’m done. You can’t talk about someone to me and then kick it with them and think we are going to be best buds. 

But I am me. I don’t have to have approval from anyone to be me. And I love me regardless.

And if a person fails to get to know me and forms a poor opinion, they missing out!

I have a lot of fun! I laugh at a lot of things that many cry about when speaking about me. Because life is meant to be enjoyed. So I work hard to get over things.

And live this life abundantly! 

So I do. And the people around me are pretty awesome as well! 

So grateful and thankful! Life is good!!!

Connecting the Dots

We connect to people based on a commonality.

Our common interests keep us interesting to one another. And interests create dividends that help us cross the dividing line.

That’s really why I’m single.

My Pastor was preaching at bible study and the Holy Spirit moved him to say, the reason why you are single is because God can’t trust you around someone. His finger was pointing. It felt like it was pointing right at me. And I had to evaluate.

Let me think about that? Lord is that me?

It was. Lust was a real struggle. And then. Somebody. Made me fall in love. And then broke my heart. And then I knew. I can’t trust anyone but Jesus with my heart. 

And when I give him my heart He will hold onto it until the man that comes to Him for it and asks for instructions on how to get it.

I wrote a piece a while back like why would I cheat on Jesus? And I forgot my stance. Oh but that heartbreak reminded me.

He keeps me, and provides a way of escape for me. And because I knew I had my own struggles I chose to stay away from men during my season of change and deliverance. Until.

Him. And I raked coal into my bosom. And the fire. Was too hot to handle. And then I fell back into the arms of my savior with a promise.

Like the promise I been holding onto about not blowing trees like the breeze anymore. That’s been a three year promise I’ve been keeping!

It’s better to not make a vow to God than make one and not keep it. And fear of The Lord is the beginning of understanding. So I fear making a promise and not keeping it.

Anyway.

I have been at my church for three years in January. Not one man that attends my church can say we were talking. Only one person ever asked me out and I said no repeatedly. And to top that off I have a best friend. Who is a male. And I truly love him without crossing unwritten but understated boundaries.

So. The lust that used to control me has been given to my savior because He is the best at saving me.

So why am I single?

When so many single and handsome men work with me? Make sure I get home safely. And check in on me from time to time?

Since people see each other in each other. I will only really attract someone when we have similarities.

In my broken state, I tend to attract broken people. They see my brokenness reflected in their broken states and my similarities attract me to them.

I don’t want a broken man. I am working on walking into my wholeness. I am tired of nursing someone back to health, they get their strength and since they can’t see themselves in me anymore they no longer see the attraction. Or if he is not ready to grow with me, he will find. A problem in my changes. When I gain my self confidence and walk into the strength I embody his insecurities will rise.

I have seen both situations happen. 

I have watched it happen from the broken men that have tried to tie me down in manipulation, control and the seeming never ending circle of abuse that came from me not knowing my worth and attracting men who see that and want to capitalize on that.

I can wait. I want to wait. I want to be whole. When my broken pieces are put all together and begin to reflect the magnificent light of Gods glory then all the terrible things I have overcome will begin to make sense to me.

See I am reminded that all things work for the good of those who love God! And oh I am in love!!

So. I said before I am waiting. Now this is an understanding of why. Becoming comfortable and sure about me, my purpose, and Gods will for my life is what I want to see revealed in my life. 

And sometimes if you take the cake out the oven before it’s ready and it looks ready it falls flat. Or it’s still wet in the inside and can’t be eaten. So no. I don’t want to look ready for a relationship. I want to be ready! 

Right now though. My singleness can be used to give God glory in a way me being in a relationship won’t be able to compare to.

But why compare what can never be the same?

So. I still pursue the mark of the higher calling. Running a good race, the end result is to win the prize. Delighting in suffering that produces endurance which comes from my perseverance. Yes God! I just want to hear Him say, well done my good and faithful servant. 

No longer desiring to fulfill my wants. Wants are temporary. No one can ever fulfill all their wants. But if I fill my voids with God them I have learned whatever state I am in to find contentment.

Yes. I am content! Gods will being done in my life. And I say Yes!

Sharks in water, God be my boat

I have been looking for my uncle.

I know he struggles with some things. After a couple of situations left him in a state of depravity, he was never the same.

If I feed strangers, how can I not find family who may be hungry?

So on break. Asking the group of men who sit in an area of a place I know he frequents and they know him. As the wine bibbler, one says to me. 

We can choose our friends, but can’t choose our family.

I see him. I’m watching him interact. I could shed tears that flow rivers of feeling into a changed heart waiting for more new growth. But I stand still. I’m strength, embodied.

Sometimes family leaves one by the way side. Sometimes they watch your demise. Sometimes they speak on it. And never do anything to help as if they hoped for it.

Anyway.

I tell him who I am and he hugs me. A dirty coat with wine stains, stench of urine and I’m saddened. Why do people get left behind? Do they want to be? Have they felt such a hurt and pain to believe they no longer deserve better?

Anyway. I’m talking with him and a man, large in belly and stature approaches, tries to interrupt.

I ignored him. He persists. I shut him down. I let him know it is rude to interrupt. I’m sure he sees the outer man and feels he can disrespect him but I don’t care who I am talking to. When my attention is on that person, it’s on that person, and I don’t like for others to intrude on that. I was firm but kind. No hint of a smile, lest he think I was playing. 

Simple rules of respect.

But the man doesn’t like that. As I bring my uncle his tray, the man gets to subtly threatening me. Telling me I should watch who I talk to because I don’t know who people are and what associations they are connected to.

I know organizations like to use clout. But Jesus. That’s who I know.

Well. Sir. I say. I believe it is rude to interrupt another person while they are having a conversation. 

I don’t scare easily I continue. I serve a God. 

I have had guns pointed at me. Cars ricocheting at mine. Been in a few unsafe places I placed myself in. But God saved me then. You can’t scare me, because God got me. Then I speak on Jesus. 

He then starts spewing hate towards Jesus. Stomping the ground. Talking about we killed him before, we will do it again. I heard people like this existed. I just never met a real live one. Then he gets to talking about Osirus and Other Egyptian gods. 

Of course I rebuke the devil. I apply and plead the blood of Jesus. 

But I see the hollowed out darkness around his eyes. I see something in him that wickedness has a hold on. I am not moved.

The more he tries to convince me of why I should watch the movies that provide insight, and read the books the angrier he gets, the calmer I stay.

God keeps me stayed in perfect peace.

My uncle can’t even enjoy his food  for jumping up trying to defend me. But it’s alright. Fear not. I haven’t been given a spirit of fear but of power love and a sound mind!

God got me!

Fortunately for me I only get a thirty minute break on Sundays and my bus was coming so I broke free. 

I looked back at two men lost in their darkness, both refusing to accept what Jesus did to save us. 

I don’t need to get angry anymore. Or fold in shame or condemnation from my past life. I have no need to worry or fear. God told me when I read Joshua to go and be bold and courageous. The word is alive. It still speaks today.

And like I told the man. I don’t get my information from man, nor trust any man. I trust God and He shows me who he has entrusted to give me information. Because. I will ask God to show me if the information is true. And He does. 

Leaning not on my own understanding I humble myself to ask God to clarify. And He will! And I am blessed!!

I’m not sharing

The type of lyrics from my childhood included stuff like this

And I get tired of somebody else’s man wanting me

I need a man who’s single and free

Someone to call my own

To be there when I get home

To understand me and love me for me

I don’t want nobody’s body wanting me….

I loved Monifah back then. Especially this album.

But anyway. I’m not sharing!

Trust me I don’t!

I am an only child. I don’t even like to share my food. Or my things. I am definitely not sharing a man!

I saw a meme that said something about here in this city women share. They fight over the same man. They don’t allow a man the choice to choose what his heart wants because with low values of self they throw themselves at a man to get his body’s attention. Thinking if that captivate his mind they can have his heart. But they wind up sharing because getting a man interested in your body and having his heart is two different things. 

I have to read my word, and get my Father in heaven to cosign me with His word.

Matthew 5:7 “You have heard the commandment that says, ‘You must not commit adultery.’ 28 But I say, anyone who even looks at a woman with lust has already committed adultery with her in his heart. 

Women make themselves available to be desired by a married man, and wonder why they aren’t receiving the blessings God has in store. 

And for the single men. we won’t even cover the comfort thing. 

Some are willing to Make a man comfortable for the in house cuddling season so he won’t leave and then maybe just maybe he will stay for the long haul throughout the summer.

A hoot. A riot.

So many families have been yanked a part by women pretending to be someone’s friend and talking that man out of his relationship by being a friend with benefits. And then wonder why so much turmoil exist if they actually do get the man.

Some women don’t share. Won’t share. So they leave mates by the wayside when they refuse to get right.

Like.

This man grabbed my hand to shake it. Then kissed it. And said it was all in love. 

Not with that wedding band on your hand I replied.

Ain’t no love to recieve or share when you got a wife at home.

This city. Where people refuse to watch the chi-raq movie because how preposterous would it be for a woman to close her legs to a man she is not married to. Because, in the  back of her mind maybe she thinking. The other woman going to give it up. Can’t let her win.

Self respect? Anyone?

I wonder if from my conversations with the guys who are friendly enough to tell the guy secrets, women understand men want what they can’t have. This conqueror conquest thing. But they will accept what’s easy. And that’s why they mistreat the women who pursue them because they never learned how to value something they didn’t have to work or fight to have.

I get offended when a woman pretends to be a friend to a married man waiting for his relationship to fall apart. Or rather. To send him off on a relationship that was sent to destroy him hoping when he’s good and heartbroken she will have a chance.

Women who cavort with married men knowing they once had or have feelings for them don’t even understand the seeds they sow. 

Maybe if the girls had talked my husband into having a conversation with me instead of giving him reason to harden his heart against me, forgiveness would have kept us from destroying Gods covenant between us.

Anyway. All I know is I know nothing at all. But a married man should be talking to his wife and not a whole bunch of women friends who have ther own agenda. 

And really who wants to share? Numbers are low, but for real. You can find joy in finding self and be  entertained by personal hobbies. Or get the nurturing and love from sister friends who share the strength in a mindset of unwillingness to be a secret. Once you find out what you enjoy. No one ever really has to share. Date outside the box. Color outside the lines. Choices in life create the pattern for success or failure.

Because when we choose something or someone who has no good intentions toward us we don’t know how to value ourselves enough to pursue a life of success, health and happiness. 

It’s alright to live a pain free life and to let go of toxic behaviors in men that keep you from being the best you can be.

God has once again shown me my value. I was bamboozled once before. Perishing for a lack of knowledge. Normally the ispy but not checking out one person in particular took my self esteem on a strong detour. But God. Changes situations and people alike.

We live we learn. We move we shake.

But as for me. I don’t want nobody’s body. I won’t ever be willing to share!