I’ve been wondering a lot about people. 

Like why they so mean? But I used to be a mean girl. Ran with the Billy crew in grammar school. Why did I? Insecurities. A false sense of worth and security. In putting others down I had a false sense of heightened self worth. Because if I wasn’t as bad as them I must’ve been kind of good, right?

Why do people choose people who mean them no good, and reject people that want to love them?

I go and check up on friends or exes from time to time. In relationships where they are not happy or don’t have friendships that encourage and motivate. And I hurt them and let them go because before I realized my worth there was something deeply hidden within which couldn’t fathom how someone else could see the good in me when all I saw were the ugly cuts and bruises. I didn’t understand how much love God has for me. So I couldn’t see how Ge could send someone else to truly love me so I settled for the scraps. The people who mistreated and misused, abused and hurt me because I felt like I didn’t deserve mercy love and a fresh start. 

But God.

He is delivering me from old behaviors.

Old ways. Old mindsets. And the pain of the past. The pain my body holds onto and it manifests in areas of my body I never recognized having pain.

But now it’s surfacing.

The pain underneath my scapula. Left side. The pain in my knee joint. Or my lower back. The pain that comes to my wrists.

And then I’m like, by your stripes Lord you said I am healed.

And then I get that feeling. Like I’m hearing him say, but didn’t my word tell you some things won’t go except by fasting and prayer? Oh. Then.

I gotta go on this liquid diet. Juicing fruits and vegetables to heal my body? Oh. Then.

Or didn’t the word of God say pray for those who persecute you?

I have to pray without ceasing. In praying for those who don’t like me, speak ill of me, hurt me, or whatever, I let God heal my heart by having enough love and compassion for those ones. And I free myself from the pain of rejection, abandonment, or the out in the open hurtful things that people do when they are hurting themselves.

We see people as we ourselves are. Which means we treat people the way we see ourselves as well.

So deliverance.

It. Takes. Work.

Sometimes it takes bring alone. If a person doesn’t like themselves it is hard to be alone. But it’s in that alone time one can hear the quiet still voice of God, some call intuition. But when you’ve got so many other people talking how do you learn to discern God?

It takes releasing. 

Every day comes I let out air like a balloon. It’s like God has punctured those things that came to fill me up with behaviors and thoughts and actions that weren’t like him. They came with the interactions of people that hurt me. Every cry, scream, yell, whimper etc is the release of the things that once hurt me more than anything.

So when my body begins releasing the air in a belch or something similar I am releasing.

I am letting it all go.

I can find peace. I can let go. I will and I do. I have. And the pain in my body dissipates. 

Letting go requires work. Faith without works is dead. So I work. 

And the smile on my face is authentic. It becomes easier to ignore subtle disses to my character. I can say nothing back when someone is screaming at me out of my name. No need to judge the behaviors or actions of others. Or talk about them behind their back. When I get frustrated or anxious I can ask God to remind me of a scripture that gives me hope. I am hidden underneath him. So I stay high. Praying and reading my word! Talking to my favorite friends and sisters. Hobbying. Writing. 

Because I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength. 

Yes God. I am learning a balanced life. I am blessed for it all. Because blessings aren’t in the material provisions. But in the godlike qualities that gives me the chance to enjoy those things!

So I don’t forget the mean. I pray for them. I do my part. With everything. And I can watch God my Father do the rest!

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