I’ll never forget the first guy my mother let me date. With my, in my mind from what I could remember, untouched self. And he had a hard time dealing with that. So. Me taking matters into my own hand, I went to Chicago. I got into behaviors I had never known because of poor decisions, and the coercing of someone who I thought had my best interests at heart. Seeing as I had been around her family my whole life, even taking care of her family member. No. I had never had a drink (except for that wine cooler my best friend and I shared when we were 15), a smoke, a cigarette, (we were smoking black and milds) or had even had sex.
I was 18.
Anyway. All that was out the window by the time I came back to Boston. Four months before my 19th birthday.
And the guy I left was hurt. After all he had always told me, some women you sleep with and some women you marry. And he wanted to marry me.
He couldn’t believe I had lost my jewels, my cookies, my nooks, and my crannies.
So he went and got someone pregnant.
I explained to him then you don’t have to marry someone because of circumstances. Marry someone because you love them.
If you want to know why so many loveless marriages exist. Why people are cheating and disregarding their mates feelings? Because they married for circumstances. Some marry for financial help. Some marry to hide a shame or being a parent without a mate.
I wouldn’t do it.
My daughters father was willing. Proposing on a hospital bed sad because I was the only one willing to look out for him in a tough spot as bad as I had been treated throughout my pregnancy.
My aunt told me to wait though. Wait until he was healthy and unbroken.
He had a dream though. One where I was leaving him and he couldn’t run after me to get me. He said he woke up with tears in his eyes. It felt so real.
It happened. I made a choice. He wasn’t able to come after us. And I walked away.
His family calls all his children bad. He was bad, they said. A four year old little boy who once pulled a knife on his sister. The same little boy who got kicked out of all his daycares.
I saw it in my daughter.
As a toddler she would fight anyone and everyone. My grandmother and grandfather included.
We are still a work in progress. Prayer works!!!
But now this little girl tells me her favorite place to be is in Jesus house. She said she won’t love anyone more than God, not even me!
But if she had grown up in a house of fighting, screaming, and toxic behaviors, would she be the same girl?
I doubt it.
I believe I would have been so bound by my connection and covenant to someone who had no good intentions towards me that I would have stayed in my spiritually dead state. Maybe even going back to the religion of my youth and staying there, because of not being willing to break away from everything I knew and everything that had been comfortable to me. I mean the way you do one thing is the way you do everything. And if you can’t let go of a person who mistreats you, emotionally, physically, and verbally abuses you, its hard to let go of the ideas one has grown comfortable with about what’s right about life, love and even religion.
I’ll never forget what I told my friend those sixteen years ago. Maybe, if you leave someone you don’t love but care for your child you can be a better parent outside the bad relationship than you can be in it.
He made the choice to stay.
He now lives like he is single.
Maybe I didn’t even know back then that I was advocating for his wife. Because a woman who has to live with a cheating spouse ages, and goes through the terrible trauma of being embittered towards all she encounters, and not trusting anyone enough to even let someone who has love to share come and love the hurting places.
But I didn’t know her.
All I know is bible.
When Abraham got Hagar pregnant he didn’t marry her. He sent her away. She became a threat to his promise.
Abraham didn’t marry his mistake.
So why do we?
I have had this silly notion or idea that even though friends hurt me, because of our history, or the things they did for me I should allow them to remain my friend. When it was a mistake to allow them in my world so close in the first place without seeing who they truly were. I was ready to marry my mistake. Because my mistake was in thinking they had anything but the ill intentions they had for me.
Nope I let people go. If you call yourself my friend, but you dog me out behind my back, or do hurtful things to me and then you start being nice, that’s no better than a DV (domestic violence) relationship. Where he hurts me then comes back with a trinket to buy my forgiveness, and my love.
Sorry. I been a go getter. Since my Jeezy listening days. “Trap all day play all night, this is the life of a go getta” days.
Legitimately. Working two and three job days. You can’t buy me.
So no. You can’t stay.
So why would I marry my mistake. So caught up in the negativity of the mistake that I miss out on the promise God has for me.
I’m not for advocating that men don’t marry the women they get pregnant if they love those women. But if the interaction was a mistake out of lust, and not trusting God, then that’s a decision one must pray about to make sure God is with them in.
Children are never a mistake they are a blessing, and they deserve to grow up in healthy environments and experience loving interactions amongst the adults in that house.
But this goes further than this. What about your ideas about religion, or the bible, or God? If you’re committed and married to an idea about who God the Father is and who Jesus is and who the Holy Spirit is, how can a heart be open to truly knowing for certain? If you don’t have the peace of God and you are praying to him repeatedly. Or you need love and kindness. Or joy, or mildness or self control, any of the fruitages of His Holy Spirit, it may be time to ask Him who He is and to reveal himself to you!
But you have to have a humble heart not holding onto what you think you know, but having a teachable spirit for God to come through and show you.
You don’t have to marry or be committed to your mistake.
We even hold onto the opinions of others based one another’s interaction. Married to a mistake of not getting to know the person on our own. Married to the mistake of not stopping the gossiper in their tracks. Married to the mistake of leaning on our own understanding when the bible tells us not to lean on our own understanding but in everything we do seek Him.
Married to the mistake of thinking that God won’t show us what we need to know and thinking a person is blessed when they act holy in worship, but dogging others out behind their backs.
I have been told, warned really, to be careful of the dog who carries the bone.
But I let go. I have been blessed with the spirit of cutting things, or people off that don’t act kindly towards my daughter or myself.
God has someone and somethings that are amazing for you in life. His promises are real. But how will you receive his promises if you are willing to marry your mistakes?