Good girl friends

I once had a girl friend. She called me her wifey. God pulled me out of that city I lived in so fast it was like Lot and Sodom and Gomorroh. 

It was about to go down.

I never really liked men. Kinda sorta used them for my viewing, lusting, devouring pleasure.

Eating boys like a black widow spider was my specialty. Some have switched races on me, now that our soul ties are broken some won’t even speak.

All is well. I was not too kind.

I now find a little humor in men thinking I’m interested because I smile. I smile at everybody, who hasn’t made me feel uncomfortable. Or start conversations. I’m a chatter box. I talk to the homeless people, and drug addicts too. Smiling and laughing. We all come from dust. Some of us just make different choices. Or think because I come through their social media with a message. I just had something to say before I forget. I’m not big on internet  dating. I’m not big on dating right now period. I’m chilling. Just be wanting friends. My friends stay in their zone, for the most part. But anyway. The humor.

Stop letting the desperate and lonely blow a head out of proportion. You cool and all. So stay cool and all. Everyone isn’t dying to be married. Some of us know what Apostle Paul meant by singleness is a gift.

Anyway.

My girl friends. That are just friends and were once girls.

Almost three weeks ago this man. This little, all types of curse words come to my mind, but I’m being delivered from cussin. So I’ll act like I’m delivered already.

Anyway. He’s supposed to be picking up my daughter. I pay him enough money a week. But he’s calling me talking about drinks and chilling. 

First of all. I’ve already told him I don’t drink. Not really. But for him I won’t ever drink. We can’t chill. Because he’s a married man. And I’m going to bible study. 

It’s a Tuesday. 

I talk to him at 3:56 or something like that. Assuming my daughter is already in the car with him. She gets out of school at 3 ish. But by 4:30 I’m getting all types of calls from my managers, and from her school. My baby has been left behind and he hasn’t picked her up.

Because I keep turning down all this man’s advances. Even before he actually told me he was married. Because he wanted me to see how much I need him so he controlled the situation to put my daughter in a bad place so I would give in.

Low key. After all I’ve been through with men, I try not to dislike all of a certain type of man.

Anyway. I have to fire him. Immediately. And then. I have to get my daughter to safety. 

So I call friend number one. She goes right away to pick my baby up. This friend does my baby’s homework with her and feeds her.

God father comes to take her to the bus the next day and a new sister in Christ picks her up the next day.

Friend number two leaves the comfort of her home to stay with us for a couple of nights. To get her on the school bus and get her off. Feeding my daughter and taking some of the load off of me.

Friend number three comes in the middle of the night to pick her up and keep her while I have to be at work at 4:50 am.

The only reason I would’ve wanted a relationship is for the help. But God sends me help when I need it.

The bible speaks of a friend that sticks closer than a brother. There are people out here that are willing to lay their own needs to the side to make sure someone else is alright. I’m that type of friend at times. I kept reminding my Father in heaven of the seeds Ive sown. Even the ones I planted on unyielding soil. 

No one asked for money. And when I tried to give someone something they put the money back in my hand.

I had someone asking for payment for a service they hadn’t rendered. She said I didn’t pay. Now I may not have paid this last person, yet, because of the expenses incurred as a result of him neglecting the responsibilities. But I’m honest about money. Either I pay or I don’t. Anyway. They were asking for a payment for a week of pickup services when they made the choice not to pick up the last day in the week. And the payment they received was for the week they didn’t finish and the following week, of which was school break.

I believe the person lost the money they claimed was missing in the unorganized space they worked from. But anyway…

When the latter happens, I’m not always ready to recieve the former. I think everyone wants to get over. But everyone does not. Some people are just willing to do something from the bottom of their hearts, with love and kindness needing nothing in return.

These past two weeks I saw women band together. For a good cause. For sisterhood. In love and purpose. Helping. And I know God sent them. Because I cried out to him for help. And they did. So whenever people say women can’t get along. I am no longer A believer in that foolish rhetoric. Messy women create environments where peace won’t thrive so contention has no choice but to live. And when contention can’t be passed on to the woman that claim they have a problem with because she’s unbothered it will in turn get into the spirits of all the women who let their ears burn from the messy talk. And they will eventually turn on each other. Contentious behavior never breeds peace, even if it’s not directed at the people who hear the words.

That’s why when someone comes to me with a name and so and so did such and such, they get shut down. We are all imperfect. I don’t want to hear anything that may make me look at that person differently because where they may not be connected with you they may be connected to me. And I don’t want ugly opinions making me fix my face to look at them differently. 

Besides. Maybe that person was having a bad day. An imperfect day. You’ll tell me all about the offense but will keep the apology hush hush.

So.

I found out, this past two weeks, my sisters got my back. In a situation that was rough and stressful. 

And it’s making me Check that circle. I need to know. Who is going to be down in a bad time. Check up on me in hard times. Pray with and for me in tough times. Not talk about me because they want the love and attention others give me so they choose to dirty my name up because they feel that’s how to get the attention they want, but aren’t able to get without making themselves out to be a victim. 

Things happen in life. You move on to victory. Or you can fall out and not get the help you need that God will eventually send.

So. Check your circle. Test your circle. Make sure they are tried and true. Because if some people won’t be authentic, God has someone that will be good to you.

 

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I am… Forgiving

My new series is all about I am. You can let others define you, or you can create your own definition. Through Gods word!

My pastor asked a question at bible study, How do I not be bitter and walk around angry after all I’ve been through?

The power of forgiveness.

If I want to be forgiven I have to forgive. 

My coworkers like to see my smiling face. Sometimes they think, like men are apt to think, that a smiling face or a kind gesture means interest. After all I’ve been through with men, I really don’t like them. I like people based on how they treat others, or me even when they don’t think I’m interested. Or how they treat people who can’t do anything for them, and they can’t get any recognition for what they do. Anyway, I am kind. Not because I want something. I am loving not because I want a man. I smile not because I want attention. I get that with the mean face, being asked to smile often. I am just enjoying the love God has given me through His Son, my Lord and Savior.

So. At work. I’ve had a few offers of friendship or something more. But, I’m no longer willing to be distracted from Gods assignment for my life. So here’s a guy getting on my bus. And in my mind I see his attraction and I’m like oh no not again. Another wolf, Lord? Waiting to break me down so they can pretend to be my friend and then trying to hug me inappropriately, or the ones trying to kiss me. So they can keep breaking barriers down until they get me to compromise my stance with abstinence. My stance with this sacrificial life I’ve committed to.

So. I’m keeping my distance. Because I’m truly tired. I only try to be close to men who have shown they are not interested in me so I can get a break. I can have the interaction with men my tomboy inside of me wants, just homies joe, without having somebody liking on me. See before being saved I spent little to no time single. I digress. And then. This coworker gets on my bus the last time. And trying with friendly banter he’s coming for my bag of healthy goodies. 

Calling me selfish for not sharing with him. And I explain I share with whom The Lord asks me to. 

And then he quotes bible. Now he’s got my attention. If you speaking my Saviors words, who is the word, you can get my attention. Even it’s only a season to teach me something. Because even still I’m discerning. The enemy knows the word of God too.

So he gives me the how many times must I forgive scripture.

70 x 7.

Can you imagine. Being in the middle of a Chicago city block. Someone grabbing you from behind, snatching you to the ground, and by the time you get to a place where you can get back up the police are behind you threatening to taze you. And the one who is the other half of the child whom you’re still nursing is signing papers, lying. And the police which watched the whole melee is lying too. Sending you places where benches are cold, and county workers keep doors locked.

I’m a revolutionary. I see change in people that come into my life. So I keep bail money on deck. Just in case. So sitting time isn’t long, but paper that has to be spent to win an unnecessary case is. 

But. Can you imagine a couple of years later, loving on and hugging the one who attacked you and inviting them to your church? 

Not out of fear. I’m strong as oxen. My legs have in the past pressed more than 300 pounds.

But in obedience to God.

Can you imagine a best friend lying next to you, with the only man you’ve ever wanted to marry. And then you smell. Their intimate moment. 

But years later forgiveness allows you to have this very same friend be one of the closest people in your life for the toughest time in your life. And then you get a chance to let God use you later after that to encourage that person through a hard time. 

Last year, I had a sister call the police on me. We had a divider coming in the middle of our relationship. The night before church we had heated exchange. But if you ask me to get you for church I’m still getting you for church. So I go. And then. Instead of communicating her wishes to cut our ties she brings the police to do so. No worries. Goodbye. 

And then. After she finally joins the church I am trying to bring her to. A year later we cry and reunite. We fall back into sisterhood and I receive the apology I never needed. I love anyway because I am.

Forgiven.

I am forgiven. So I forgive others.

I am forgiving.

There are people I see. Walking in the spirit of offense. Because of what someone said, or what they did. But that’s against the mind and word of Christ. If I am to be like Jesus I have to forgive even when I don’t want to, because my flesh is constantly in conflict with my spirit.

I walk into forgiveness. And I keep forgiveness in my interactions with others because if I am presenting my body a living sacrifice to God that includes my mind. And my memory that holds onto offending behaviors. 

So. Releasing. And letting go. Is good for me. It creates a stress free life. And I do it through Christ Jesus who gives me strength. Because…

I am forgiving.

Noah got drunk and so what?

It all begins with a thought. 

The bible, the good book, the word of God, also called Jesus. The Master’s words. Talks about the sort of people that say one thing. But think in their hearts another. It’s not what people say. It’s not what they do. They’ll give you food and drink and be like, you saw how they ate all my food and didn’t give me anything. But if you do something from the heart, why must someone give you something in return? 

They say one thing. They think another. And the good book says for as he thinks in his heart, so is he.

I had a crush. I lost it when I saw him wanting to be part of the in crowd. You can’t see who these people are?, I wondered out loud.

I need a Joseph man who has the leading of God to know where to go, who to trust, and not an Ahab, or a Samson getting deceived by a woman again. Like the first man. I mean didn’t we learn about the first man in genesis? The beginning.

No shade. But why fit in when you were created to lead and stand out, not fall in line. Doing things everyone else does.

So. My thoughts. This man will lead. The in crowd will fall into subjection to the Lord, because every knee will bend, and every tongue shall confess Jesus is Lord.

But right now.

Like last year maybe.

I’ve always had a thing for pretty eyed men. Everyone has a weakness and that’s mine. 

Maybe it was my first crush. He rode my back as a baby. Terrorized me with all his animals. He may have scared me with a leg less grasshopper or two. Asked for my hand in marriage when I was only four or five. We grew up almost together. I thought I had my first kiss at 15, he said it was at a toddling tot age under someone’s table.

That’s why watching kids is so important.

Anyway though. His hazel eyes stayed around me long enough, from childhood, a couple years in adolescence, and a lot in adulthood. And since we never became anything more than friends I looked for those eyes in others.

And here I come in contact with Mr. Pretty eyes. Last year.

And since I don’t get too close to strangers, since I met him years before I figured why not give love a try.

And we did. And I loved hard. And he respected my boundaries. And I loved harder. For a teal ribbon woman boundaries are so necessary. And men that respect boundaries are keepers, because besides that interacting with men had been a little scary.

Anyway. He loved me. He loved my baby. I had keys to all types of things sooner than expected.

Just one problem.

He would get dead drunk every day.

Every day, bae?

But I had some things I used to do.

Like roll up my Bs, drink lean, smoke squares, get drunk.

Where’s this hypocrisy coming from.

Oh. This religious mindset I’ve been carrying all my life living like a sadducee and a Pharisee. And recently gotten introduced back to because some people don’t believe certain things are supposed to be talked about. But I thought it was our testimony and the blood of the lamb we are overcome by. Who am I keeping this in for? Someone else’s level of comfort? When people need to be set free? 

Anyway. We had a situation. I let get out of hand. The egging on of single women. The anger in my heart from the past, and men. And I told him, I can’t do this. You get drunk everyday. I can’t do this.

But Noah got drunk.

Remember. The story did not speak of Gods discipline towards Noah. Noah spoke, and it became. It was against Noah’s son. 

I will never begin to imagine what Noah went through in that ark. Can you imagine the smell. The fear of the rain. There had never been rain before. The complaints of the family. He heard the promise, they didn’t. But let’s go back to this smell. All those animals. Pooping daily. Guess who probably got seasick with the smell and swaying of the ark. Anyone of them. The restriction. The trauma of being in an unfamiliar place with unfamiliar things, for an unfamiliar length of time through unfamiliar circumstances. How stressful that must’ve been.

Yes. I might imagine how one may take a drink or two after something so stressful. Not to mention all the rejection before the downpour came. Not to mention the family and friends he lost.

I thought about that and realized how selfish I had been. 

I have no right to judge a persons lifestyle at any point of their walk and journey. Only the one who delivers knows when a person is ready to let go of certain things. The most important thing is to keep on walking with him. Not trying to be something you’re not because everyone else is that. When you are authentically rue to your process you get what you need. But if you’re true to someone else’s journey you get nothing because their journey leads them to what they are supposed to be. Therefore the author and finisher of their faith gets them to their next level.

I mean it’s like a monkey swinging. If that monkey lets go of one vine before it grabs a hold of the next one then it falls. 

Keep fighting, but know that God sets us free in his time, and whom the Son sets free is free indeed. And his time means it happened on cavalry, so really it’s about whenever we decide to accept the freedom. Some of us have been rejected so much acceptance is hard, even when it comes from God. I know first hand!

Noah got drunk, and so did my bae, and so what.

I’ve only been called to love. The art of love. Living to love on purpose, for my destiny, watching and waiting for God’s  will to be done.

And it is so. 

Rehealing

how about healing from an angry place.

Who does that?

I was doing that. 

I had a scar on my hand. And because I didn’t have the proper tools it was healing back with hardened skin around it. 

Of course I don’t want hard skin around my hands.

So I peeled the wound. I peeled that hard dead skin. A little bleeding happened. But when it healed properly it healed with smooth soft skin. Easier to take. It was my finger with a beauty mark on it. The beauty mark didn’t grow back but the skin is smooth.

Ive been healing.

I’ve learned at the root of healing what hurts most is usually not where the problem is coming from.

If I am in a relationship and I am having problems it’s generally nothing to do with the guy or the situation, it’s my past pain and anger from hurtful situations I thought I had healed from but have merely covered over with pretty clothes, nice shoes, make-up, long/short/medium weave, and eyelashes, and music, and outings, and drinks, and people. The list goes on and on.

See it has never been anything wrong with that stuff. It’s only a problem when one is so busy hiding from self that the true nature of the problems are never revealed.

I am learning how to deconfigure and reconfigure my problems.

I make up words. All is well.

So here I’ve been. Crying ugly tears on a therapists couch. Not combing my hair. Commas in my bank and not buying an outfit, shoes, nails to make me cute. 

And the uglier I feel I get the more love I get showed. From men.

See the uglier I became to me on the outside because I was so used to hiding behind my pretenses of beauty while the inner me was in angst, was actually revealing the real raw beautiful me. The me wanting to break down barriers. The me wanting to see and be light. The me wanting to love and receive. The real me.

The me that hides gifts and talents because of all the reasons one can think of.

Me. I’m loving me.

A man saw me. Something about being pretty. Told me to thank mom and dad. I said they just did the dirty work. God did this. 

No longer living to hate me. My bigness. Dude formerly known as bae saw me and the extra weight I’ve gained in his absence and said, don’t ever eat vegan again. In other words, You need meat for your bones, to have meat on your bones.

No longer living to please people. I may lose eighty pounds tomorrow. And whomever is going to love my meatless bones will do so after seeing the love and self care I give me.

So really.

Pardon my rude. 

I’ve been healing. And so concerned about me surviving I had no time to care for anyone’s feelings.

But I was broken. Now I’m healing

Loving me today, which was once tomorrow. See the sun will always come out tomorrow if only you believe it will. And if you believe in the one who caused the Son to rise and still allows the sun to rise.

Change is inevitable when it comes to Him. He gave full control to His Son to set the captives free.

So who do you believe in?

Why you hatin’ though? When Love is so necessary

I called my old co-worker the other day.

It really was a business related call. But he and I never kept our relationship professional while we worked together.

And I know the old adage. Don’t make a mess where you eat.

The job I had before taught me that.

Women I tell you.

They will make life difficult for someone when the person they are interested is interested in that someone.

And I used to struggle with humility. The guy everyone wanted always wanted me and I would gloat. Nah.

Nah. Neeeee.

Booboo. Boohoo. Who you?

Yep. Women crying to their friends about how I looked at them cross eyed when I was paying them no attention. Poetically thinking about that funny text the guy they like sent me.

It’s never been personal. I just be me. No holds barred. Men tend to like women who not talking about their “friends” behind their back, then keekeekeeing with them later on.

I’m usually the only woman in a room full of their boys. I hear. Conversations about what women do to push their man away.

Never wanted to be her.

All lonely and bitter. Hating other women. Hating the pretty woman. Hating the woman the guy I like likes. Hating the confidant woman. Using my judgements of others as my excuse as to why I can’t be better.

Man, men can be a trip. Especially when they forget I’m the lone lady in the room listening to how they really feel about the women they’ve been playing for a fool.

So. I digress.

I talk to the unprofessional nurse. Who used to follow behind me in all my rooms. Tall brown and so FINE! In a nursing home of women he was prime picking, with his eyes set on me.

And the way he cared for our residents caught my attention. And the way the other women started rolling their eyes at me kept me in the game of chase.

I mean if you must hate me.

Let’s have a good reason.

But then. My residents started having bowl movements from their feet to their neck. And guess who can’t get out of bed? And guess who sweating and rolling people to change whole linen. And guess who won’t help this CNA in a place where help makes life better. And the other nurses, not understanding why the handsome available nurse would be interested in a CNA, making a little change when the lady nurses were making that paper. They were probably giving the residents stool softener at the beginning of my shift.

It seems like for everyone is a lose lose.

I maintain great friendships with guys. No strings attached. Boundaries set in place and limits intact. My friendliness is not flirting. Nor is it an invitation for someone to get closer. I love to love on people who are not mean to me. So I do.

If I’m friends with someone who likes the guy that’s interested in me, I’ll gladly send him in her direction. Why hold onto what I can’t do anything with?

Now, though. I’m learning teamwork. I’m learning love all over again.

The art of love.

As the Master’s brush strokes against the inside of my heart to create and change mine to clean and one of flesh when it was formerly made of stone. From the inside out. His beautiful splendor touching my mind to help me see things his way.

I used to anticipate the hate coming for just being Radiance. Giving ammunition. But now I seek the whole armor of God. My feet shod with peace. Body armor of righteousness. That means the blows of the enemy are cancelled when I choose to live a righteous life. Doing the right thing. Walking in integrity. Weapons form but they do not prosper, because how can attacks penetrate when I have on the full armor?

See hating my sister is against the grain of what Christ commanded me to do. He said if I love him I’d keep his commandments. And loving my sisters is number two. They have to be a part of that neighbour category.

See when we work together we thrive.

We help each other. I don’t care if it’s helping a sister eat healthy, learn a musical part, distinguish the difference between alto and soprano, work out, clean her space, be a blessing to her. Love is patient and kind. Love keeps no record of wrong. Like you know what a person did, but you don’t hold it against that person for the future. Love is forbearing.

We take offenses. A forgive repeatedly. Last year a sister of mine did something totally hurtful to me instead of just saying, no thank you Radiance I don’t want to go to church with you.

But this year after finally joining the church she was running from last year she invites me to a girl spa weekend in a couple of weeks.

We hugged and she’d a couple of years when we reconnected this past Sunday. She said she had been coming to check looking for me. But I was probably there early in the morning.

Anyway.

We fall short. We forgive. We move on. We become great. Loving and nurturing each other back to life one day at a time. Not leaving a sister behind that wants to stay in the race.

So. Next time you say, uhh unhh I don’t like her. And stay slandering her name to the men folk, women folk, check your heart. Where is this really coming from?

And correct. We never are too late to ask God for forgiveness in the land of the living.

So who you loving, wanna be hugging on today.

Love your sister!