how about healing from an angry place.

Who does that?

I was doing that. 

I had a scar on my hand. And because I didn’t have the proper tools it was healing back with hardened skin around it. 

Of course I don’t want hard skin around my hands.

So I peeled the wound. I peeled that hard dead skin. A little bleeding happened. But when it healed properly it healed with smooth soft skin. Easier to take. It was my finger with a beauty mark on it. The beauty mark didn’t grow back but the skin is smooth.

Ive been healing.

I’ve learned at the root of healing what hurts most is usually not where the problem is coming from.

If I am in a relationship and I am having problems it’s generally nothing to do with the guy or the situation, it’s my past pain and anger from hurtful situations I thought I had healed from but have merely covered over with pretty clothes, nice shoes, make-up, long/short/medium weave, and eyelashes, and music, and outings, and drinks, and people. The list goes on and on.

See it has never been anything wrong with that stuff. It’s only a problem when one is so busy hiding from self that the true nature of the problems are never revealed.

I am learning how to deconfigure and reconfigure my problems.

I make up words. All is well.

So here I’ve been. Crying ugly tears on a therapists couch. Not combing my hair. Commas in my bank and not buying an outfit, shoes, nails to make me cute. 

And the uglier I feel I get the more love I get showed. From men.

See the uglier I became to me on the outside because I was so used to hiding behind my pretenses of beauty while the inner me was in angst, was actually revealing the real raw beautiful me. The me wanting to break down barriers. The me wanting to see and be light. The me wanting to love and receive. The real me.

The me that hides gifts and talents because of all the reasons one can think of.

Me. I’m loving me.

A man saw me. Something about being pretty. Told me to thank mom and dad. I said they just did the dirty work. God did this. 

No longer living to hate me. My bigness. Dude formerly known as bae saw me and the extra weight I’ve gained in his absence and said, don’t ever eat vegan again. In other words, You need meat for your bones, to have meat on your bones.

No longer living to please people. I may lose eighty pounds tomorrow. And whomever is going to love my meatless bones will do so after seeing the love and self care I give me.

So really.

Pardon my rude. 

I’ve been healing. And so concerned about me surviving I had no time to care for anyone’s feelings.

But I was broken. Now I’m healing

Loving me today, which was once tomorrow. See the sun will always come out tomorrow if only you believe it will. And if you believe in the one who caused the Son to rise and still allows the sun to rise.

Change is inevitable when it comes to Him. He gave full control to His Son to set the captives free.

So who do you believe in?


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