I am continuing this momma love for her birthday weekend.

She taught me respect of self.

I’ve been in my feelings about the young woman on Chicagos redline train who was allegedly stabbed by her current or former lover.

I am a survivor of domestic violence.

I know. It’s chic in my society to feel empathy over what could have been us but that’s not it.

It’s the rumor that he snapped because she had HIV. 

I grew up in the 80’s & 90’s. HIV had just come out. No one knew much about it. And I just so happened to be drawn to the girl in my school whose mother had it. 

Having a mother with HIV in the 90’s made my friend not so popular amongst our peers. But I loved her. I loved her mama. She kept her home clean with bleach. But was still stigmatized.

I saw a man my mother rejected repeatedly a couple of day ago. He hugged me and told me his family and he were just wondering about me. It made me wonder about what would have happened had my mother chosen him.

See. My mother had this self respect thing going on. She didn’t sleep around. She wouldn’t accept my father back because his life was contrary to the one she was living full of moral values and better than before choices.

I am living. That life now.

Anyway. My friends mother. A sweetheart. She had only ever been with one man. Her husband. She just happened to take him back after he had been infected by someone after being away from her.

My mother raised me. Maybe I strayed for awhile. But now… I know my value and worth!

Having unprotected sex was always a no-no because of growing up around my friend and her mom. And even with slip ups, I’m the first one at the doc. Test me please doc!! 

The only negative I do is HIV negative. Thank God I didn’t leave out the dangerous world in my life before him with a package no one wants.

But these days more than ever. People are doing everyone. More brothers are living a downlow life. They hide, afraid to be stigmatized and of course if you’re hiding you’re not carrying safety nets because they be in denial that their desires are what they are. 

No one is judging!

  
That’s James 4:11

Don’t forget ‘saints’ and aints!

That’s the word of God not to be debated. Just applied. Used to correct ones own self. Not supposed to be a brow beating tool for others. I mean why would one be so concerned about the straw in my eye when they have a tree in their own. 

Anyway. 

On safe practices.

And testing. 

Practice both. 

I remember one lover and I used to go together. Every few months. About ten years ago. Only because we chose not to be safe. But even that was foolish. Knowing my status was good but no one can know what another is doing at all times. And if someone is living a lie, and exposing someone they are not being truthful to to something that can ruin their life. It can be devastating.

I’ve chosen to be single for a year. I’m down to 9 months now. It matters not who has my undivided attention. All that matters is when this nine months is over who has made me the center of their attention. I am thankful for my ability to care for myself. For loving myself enough to practice safe measures. To love myself enough to test my body for diseases that could take me away from my daughter. And now. To practice abstinence because I made it out the world I was living in sin in, unscathed! 

That means in laymens terms, without any diseases. Healthy!

Thank you Jesus!

Yes. My heart goes out to the young woman. Whether that was her truth or not. We have failed our youth. We are so busy telling them what not to do we are not teaching them what to do, if they do. And they are losing their lives because people would rather judge than help.

I am still my sisters keeper. Just like my mother was my friends mothers sister. My mother came. She sat. She loved.

My mother didn’t know how to shun hurting people who hadn’t hurt her.

I am still celebrating my mother. Teaching me ladylike behavior. Teaching me how to make better choices and decisions. Teaching me that I only choose not to be alone when someone comes to make being in a relationship better than being single. And teaching me how to wait to share my body with my faithful husband.

It’s hard. I fought a battle with my body a couple of weeks ago. As much as it screamed yay. The Holy Spirits self control kept me!!

Thank you Jesus! Again. 

Praying for the young woman’s family and friends. But more importantly for my young sisters who don’t know better and have no one to talk to because so many women would rather compete than love. So many would rather judge than teach. So many would rather shun than reach out. 

It’s alright. That verse on James shows we have one judge. And he will give us the same mercy we show others.

Happy birthday mommy. The tears dry up when gratitude is so real! 

Even hurting I am grateful!

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