Everything must come to an end. One day. Sometimes sooner than later.
I guess it was finally time to let go of my mother’s passing away.
However, I never thought I would be able to let go of the woman I lost before the assault I survived almost a decade ago.
She like my mother, is never coming back.
But its alright.
I looked at my daughter after wishing I could have my mother back before I came to grips with this realization. Had my mother been here, my daughter’s father would not have gotten a second glance.
Talk about a situationship gone wrong. To go right with my lil bright sweet light.
So I got my daughter in lieu of my momma.
But who replaced that girl who laid in shattered pieces fragmented and torn from the pain of having something taken that she never intended to give away?
Me. A follower of Jesus. Someone who didn’t know how much she needed a savior until every thing I tried to make a superhero in my life let me down. So I cried out to God and here came Jesus who was given all power in heaven and on earth to help me fix my situation.
I asked a friend of mine who used to club with me regularly who did I used to be. B smoking, drank drinking, lean sipper? Like how was I when I was under the influence. I dont remember.
She said I was live. Fearless. Unafraid to talk to the guys, not afraid to get on the dance floor. That’s probably how I ended up in DJ booths instead of the dance floor. I was always turnt. I was not afraid to speak my mind or get in someones face.
Now. I get live for Jesus. Not afraid to make my way to the altar to leave behind the things that hurt me. Now I speak out when people cross lines that I feel wont keep me safe mentally and emotionally and most definitely physically. These were the things that were designed to break me.
Sometimes I feel afraid being alone with a man. Even with my God given brothers. Or I may not always feel safe around them. It’s nothing they have done. I may not even know how to have a normal conversation. Sometimes.
See the encounter i survived was a person who was like my brother. He was seeing my friend, who was as close as family so I called her my cousin. I was used to calling her guys my big brothers.
It’s just a trigger.
Nowadays though I fight through the fear.
Recently as anxiety hit, thinking someone I was in close company with wasn’t going to accept my no, it was quieted by me calling on Jesus. Asking him to call on him with me. And that was that.
See. I’ve gained power in Jesus, through Jesus. I never have to walk in fear again. I never have to live for the turn up again. I dont have to miss my momma when she gave me so many beautiful traits to carry and give to others.
Her sistethood bonds had women sitting around her hospice bedside singing songs to her. They held her hands. It was so much food she joked with me, that everytime she saw me it was a piece of food in my hand.
I was stressed. I replied. Matter of factly.
Again i say with courage. I dont tell my story for sympathy. I have enough love around me and people that pass me tissues when I’m balling my eyes out.
I tell it for freedom.
So people will know they don’t have to use relationships as crutches when they really need their voids to be filled by Jesus!
Today I truly feel free. Unstigmatized by my past. And in a better place than Ive ever been.
I told my mama it was okay to let go because I would be alright.
Today. I finally realize that to be my truth! I am finally alright!!
I had to be broken to be remade in the image of God’s design for my life! So i encourage others to do the same. The breaking process is not fun but there truly is a light at the end of the tunnel.
Its not a train!
So live out loud. Laugh on purpose. Be brave and courageous. And move closer to your dreams everyday.
The world is waiting on you to become everything you were created to be.
Are you willing to end the pain, by doing the necessary work to begin to live? It is not always easy. But i am living proof that it is worth it!!