I was 12 the first time i was betrayed by a woman. 

I wrote a poem to my crush who could sing his hind parts off,  and my friend gave him the poem. I was too nervous to. She also took credit for it.

I couldn’t believe her.

But she was my friend right?

The next one used to tell me how pretty my mother was. She would go on to ask why didn’t I look like her?

Oh. My mom’s pretty, but I am not?

I was 15. I thought I was getting my first kiss. I thought he had just made it official. We were “going together”.

As long as my momma didn’t find out.

She would have had me before the Jehovah’s Witness elders fast and in a hurry like she did years later when she found my BC.

Anyway. As I was walking back to behind the garage where I left this boy with my friend who always implied I wasn’t so attractive, i heard something.

They are kissing.

Who said that? I wondered. As i peeped over the gate to see. But they were far apart.  Crazy me. Thinking the worst about people. Not knowing that was the Holy Spirit speaking to me back then.

Anyway. Days or weeks later the boy who went to church on occasion told me the truth. The Jehovah’s Witness girl kept that secret strong. 

My friend though. 

Years later. That very same friend did all she could to turn my family’s back on me. Thank God for that. I might be the same woman i used to be had i started around the people who encouraged me to be foolish. and never held me accountable for my behavior.

I always give people the freedom to be without making them pay for the sins of others.

So when I moved to the east coast I had a best friend there.
She did a similar form of betrayal I experienced at 15. But worse. 

Then a friend I called my sister did some of the worst things anyone could ever do.

I heard that same voice tell me she didn’t like me.

I called her. I told her, the Holy Spirit just told me you don’t like me. 

She said, “I don’t.”

Then began to explain something equally as ludicrous as to why. 

I noticed that these women would engage in opportunities for pettiness. I would shake it off like i am just being too over dramatic.

No. When God speaks he wants us to listen. When he shows us someone. Believe them. Then pray to God for their change. Then love them in spite of.

Women throw shade for so many reasons.  Some of the major ones are men and insecurity. 

When I dealt with a cheater every pretty woman was a problem. He liked pretty women. He had hurt me repeatedly with a pretty woman. I didn’t even know why I didn’t like the beautiful women I came in contact with. My spirit couldn’t be honest with myself to say that his behavior had caused insecurity to creep in. Which then introduced me to jealousy. So I could celebrate certain types of beauty. The beauty that he would probably reject. But. The beauty that I may have seen him staring at a little bit too long, or reminded me of someone he was unfaithful to me with, I shunned.

But. People have made up these stories about who I am. Since no one knows me and they maketend like they have it all together, they become the credible source. 

Not accepting that it may be them. 

Pastor said at bible study last night, “God can’t heal can’t heal a lie.”

I had to be honest with myself. I want real meaningful and lasting relationships. Not just the ones I had before the hurt came. But new ones as I build trust past betrayal.

I don’t have time to love and leave. I don’t care to love and lose anymore.

When God shows me. I will believe and love and pray for that person from a good distance.

And once they are better we can come back together. If God took away my pain. If I can love and talk to those who betrayed me in my past because they chose to heal from their hurt and grow. Then, I know God will do it for those who diligently seek him for the healing.

Dear pettiness,

Thank you for taking space in the hearts of many. I surely know how to recognize you. I definitely know how to avoid you. Pettiness at the expense of others is like anger used to hurt someone. I use anger to fuel my passions. I only use pettiness to poke fun at those who are celebrities and do silly things when i need good laughter. 

So you, petty behavior, may have tried to get me going. You may have tried to upset me. But i will not let you close to me again. When you use a woman who is better at pretending she is alright as opposed to going to get help to make her better, i am going to see you every time.

No thank you. 

You can’t come into my circle. You will never be wanted or accepted amongst us who just want to see others be better and willing to do better.

Peace pettiness. You just lost this one.

Sincerely,

Radiance J.

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