Single Asf

I have fallen in strong like for the new HBO series, INSECURE.

Issa Rae is a genius. Her writing is imaginative and creative. Her humor is candid. And she uses my favorite word, the f bomb rather frequently.

I never said I was a lady. I often say I am such a fuckin lady.

I know, right. 

I thought you loved Jesus. They will say. 

I do. He loves me too. He knows I cuss. I often ask him to take the thorns that add to my total imperfections away. He often lets the scripture pop in my head that His grace is sufficient. A constant reminder that no matter how good I think I am I will never meet standards of perfection. Therefore, I may as well just accept grace as that gap that gets my sinful natured self to the throne. Shortcomings and all.

Besides. I need to be all things to all people so I may win some. And some people won’t take my soft voice seriously until I am cursing with harsh tones. Unfortunate but true.

Anyway. Single.

Single asf!

One of my brothers in Christ asked me recently about marriage. Do I want to get married?

Now if I were any normal woman chatting with a handsome man, who happens to be educated, successful in his line of work, with a kind nature asking me these questions I might immediately stop and think he is asking because he is interested in me.

I am blunt and direct. If you don’t say flat out, Radiance I like you and I am interested in you, you stay in the friend 😍 zone forever! 

So. I get to thinking. Do I want to be married?

That was never a goal in my younger years. I once told a woman I would never get married. The disdain for the arrangement that I saw with the only examples I knew made me want to run away from those possibilities.

Fairy tales were for TV. And Prince Charming was only available for the women who had everything going for themselves like the TV depicted. Long flowing locks of hair was one attribute. They always had these teeny tiny waists perfect for being slung in the air. 

That was just not me. Not ever.

I kept cutting my lengthy hair short, probably so it wouldn’t be me.

No. Sir. I tell the guy. I would only want to be married right now for help with my daughter. And help is not a good reason to be married. Because she only has 12 more years at home. Unless she goes to boarding school then it’s only 8. So then what will I do with this man, who my heart never wanted to love but just allowed to come in to help me?

I will be gone like and with the wind.

I explained. He would have to be a friend who just so happened to creep into my heart and make a pallet there. Then all of a sudden I look up and I am in love.

That seems to be the way things happen for me. I am always running from love, dating, and relationships. Never allowing people to get too close. 

Then all of a sudden I am getting rides home from work. And someone I would never look at like that for real is pulling a Daniel and Issa moment in the car. And I’m going in and pulling back and catching feelings.

Catching feelings. 

Friend zones passed. 

Friendships crashed, like overworked hard drives. 

There is nothing wrong with communicating. There is nothing wrong with a man telling a friend you are interested in them like that so motives won’t be the motivating factor behind a situation. And it is alright for a woman to stay out of a mans face she is interested in. Not pretending under e guise of friendship, more often than not to send him off about every woman he is interested in hoping he will see her for the dream she wants to believe she will be to him.

Integrity.

I am single asf. 

I am waiting on a feel. Someone who motivates me to be better. Like when I am on the phone I just want to clean my whole house. Or write a thousand songs and poems. Or love and hug my daughter a little harder. Or exercise with consistency.

I don’t need fairy tales for real life. Carriages and horses for hire are not my thing. Rocks on my finger would probably get caught on everything since I use my hands a lot for creating things. I just need a partner. A business partner. A life partner. A coach. A teacher teaching me the things I don’t know but he does.

I see. My vision is not so cloudy. 

I tend to see who a person is going to be to me before they do a thing. 

So. Listen. Or read. There is nothing wrong with waiting. Usually I don’t have the patience for it. I always move on to the next when what I want doesn’t give me what I want. But, I always miss out because of that pride. No more pride. Patience. That’s the virtue. Being single is not a death sentence. It is a place of comfort and joy if one allows God to guide, teach, train and mold one while waiting.

So I wait!

Pep talks and things

b$&@h what kind of basic bullshhh are you pulling right here? If you don’t get your act together. Da fuq wrong with you?

That was my real live conversation to myself as I almost shed a tear, and was already upset at the fact I cried off my eyelashes the night before.

I can’t believe I done pulled a mokensteff. I have fallen in love with a man who don’t love me.

In my mind I can see me beating my hind end up. Because wtf is wrong with me.

Self to other self.

How sway?

He said he…

But you knew he was a playa, a womanizer, a dawg.

Atomic dog!

I didn’t know a thing. I assumed. Maybe I…

Maybe I make excuses for people who have exactly what it takes to be right here with me, in my presence and actively in my life if they choose to be.

But my mind holds onto the memories of us holding pointer fingers not wanting to let go. According to one person, My name made big smiles appear on his face. The hours we spent in conversation. The hugs, the attention, the grabbing me like he didn’t want to let me go. All the wrestling, and play fighting as I struggled to keep my cookies in their jar. He let me win, and hold on for a moment. His strength. The reminders that he was not like the rest and I needed to wake up and see.

My short term memory may be shot right now, but I still remember the first day I met him. Inquiring to the person who introduced us if she had a thing for him. This thing been brewing for over a year now. How did I let a seed flourish into a full grown tree whose big stupid roots are breaking up some things in me.

Like my callous, nonchalant, dismissive, or vindictive behavior. I realize now. When you love someone truly love someone you don’t want to see them hurting. When we hurt people that we put time into love wasn’t the motivating factor. It may have been lust, addiction to their presence or flesh, or the need to create an imagery through appearances.

It was my fault. I should’ve run like the wind. 

See I had red flags. He never wanted to go out. He never followed through on the plans he would say he wanted us to make or do together. He was always trying to get in my place. It was either for tea for a cold. Pretending to want to watch movies. Or to use the bathroom. 

I thought we were friends. 

But friends shouldn’t be…

We had already crossed the line.

Then another, and another.

Now I’m in the feelings I have caught like a bad cold. Suffering alone. Nobody to nurse me back to health.

And he’s probably off trying to make a new conquest believe he is ready to give up his thot pockets. Yes. He has claimed he has thot pockets.

I did the dummy.

I’m writing four page Aaliyah esque letters. Or maybe ten 1 page letters. Four of which haven’t been delivered. I bought a gift. Twice.

And ignored all the good guys.

I played the fool. 

I wrote a poem years ago saying i wasn’t going to do it again. But here I am. Failing tests and learning lessons again.

Maybe I didn’t love myself enough to set the bar, and create the standards I know I deserve. Maybe, I wanted to believe what I knew wasn’t real. Maybe I wanted to prove to the world that I am lovable, even though others say otherwise and don’t even know me.

Maybe. I finally have a heart of flesh when I once had a heart of stone.

I watch the Issa Rae show Insecure. I see a name. The name is the Facebook name of an ex of mine. A real ex. Not just a former situation. I think of the cold hearted way I dismissed him.

He was calling my phone on repeat. Finally I told him, “all this was about was sex. It was good. We did what we did. Now it’s time to move around. Stop calling my phone.” He stopped calling. I never reached back out. 

Even though I cared about him.

Back then. I would rather cut my nose off to spite my face. My feelings were rather surreal at the time. But I couldn’t let him know I was weak. I couldn’t let him know I was soft. I couldn’t let him know I had feelings. And when he tried to come ‘home’ I wouldn’t let him.

I was so cold.

Where she at though?

I am sitting here pining for someone who obviously isn’t thinking twice about me. He used to call me on my cell phone. Hot line used to bling. I thought I could make him put his phone, and hoes and reckless lifestyle down. But that’s my problem.

Always wanting to fix someone else. Always wanting to nurture someone else. Always wanting to help someone else. Do you know why?

Because I get to avoid dealing with my own stuff.

So. I can’t help the feelings I have. I have been asking God to take them away since the summer. They’ve gotten more intense. It’s real love. The type of love where you want the person to just be better. Where you pray for them. Where you pray the person they have chosen treats them right, and if they don’t, God shows them how to love them the right way. 

I’ve never felt that before.

But. Since it’s not reciprocal. I take that love that I can’t give to him and use it to pray for him. Then I pass it along to the wonderful people in my life. First of all me. Then extra kisses for my baby girl. Then the people who call and remind me I am loved get this soft, tender and gentle character. I guess that’s what love does. It softens the rough edges. It makes me a little more gentle than I was before. I am not hardcore. I was created to be a nurturer. I am a love baby. Life made me hard. The rough things I went though made me this so called tough chick.

But love. Understanding love gave me grace.

Graceful movements through an awkward society, where awkward moments follow me like a hovering shadow.

And for that reason Of grace I am blessed. 

I guess I can stop with the harsh words to myself.

It’s okay. I am human. I connected with a beautiful soul. He bared parts of himself to me, maybe it was game, maybe it was real life. But I saw vulnerability. He sang beautiful melodies that calmed my spirit. I saw the beauty of his kindness. I saw someone that made me feel. That made me want to be a better version of myself. 

So I can take those lessons and carry them forth into my life. And realize.

Sometimes people come into our lives to teach us things. Sometimes people come into our lives to leave us with something. Sometimes people come into our lives to get us to a certain destination. 

Only God knows. I have no other choice but to Lean on him for understanding. 

So I will. Let Go and let God! 

Whatever is meant to be will be, and what is not paves the way for what is.

Wait for it

“I am the one thing in life I can control.”

Listening to this Usher Raymond song on the Hamilton soundtrack. 

I am reminded of one thing. I can’t control anything but myself.

Sometimes I run away from my blessings because I don’t like what I am hearing. I don’t like how people treat me. I am sensitive to the people I love. I am Harsh with asshole tendencies to those I do not. 

But no matter how bad a situation is, it changes if you are willing to wait for it.

Why wouldn’t I wait for it?

Pride, ego, running after what’s available and ready for me instead of waiting for what I truly want. 

I’m like Ishmael all the time. You know the one in the bible who gave up his birthright for the stew. So hungry for what was right in front of him, he took that and gave up what was his destiny. His brother Jacob who became Isreal became Father to a nation of many! 

A legacy.

“My mother was a genius, my father commanded respect. When they died they left no instructions, just a legacy to protect.”

I am like an orphan. No mother or father. They didn’t tell me what to expect of this life without them being here. I am sure my father never imagined he would die at 39. I am sure my mother had no idea she would leave this earth at 49. 

I don’t have instructions but where I fall short in this life I have Gods word to bring the truth to my life.

Psalms 27:14 wait for the Lord; be strong and let your heart take courage; yes, wait for the LORD.

I’m willing to wait for it. Just because I love someone doesn’t mean I need to have them if they are not who they need to be at the present time to bring out the best in me.

Just because I need a car and have the money to get one doesn’t mean I get it, because maybe God needs to place me in the car with some people. Or maybe he needs me to meet some people on public transportation. Or maybe he needs someone to hear  my conversation of encouragement bringing him glory and honor.

I don’t know Gods plans.

Maybe he didn’t want to move me into the place I thought was a perfect fit for me, because he has something else for me.

Wait for it.

“Theodosia writes me a letter every day”

I write these letters to a man I have a caught a few feelings for. 

He ignores me regularly. He goes out with me never. He sends my calls to voice mail sometimes. He denies me before the people he hang with that have a problem with me. 

That’s not love. But. The male friends that are watching me make a fool of myself are patiently waiting for me to come to my senses and say eff him like they keep telling me to. The funny thing is. I always do this. I always catch feelings for the playboy. The guy everyone else wants. The one with all the options. And I always give my all. And then I finally fall back. And guess who is there to catch all the love that has built up for a person who never wanted it. That’s right. My guy friend. And we live happily ever after for a little while. 

They wait for it. 

My destiny.

I have had people promise me opportunities to help me get to my destiny. Or what I believe is my destiny. But if I had gotten there would I have met the man that prays for and with me, impacting my life and bringing about change in just a week. Or the various women who love me, check in on me and show me love and are not black. See some black people would have you believe white people are the devil, but the LOVE I feel from women of another race that aren’t even church going women is something I don’t feel from too many black women connected to me. Remember I am a love baby. I either feel it or I don’t. But. If I hadn’t had to wait for my opportunities would I have met these people along the way. If I didn’t have to wait for it, would I have gotten over my fear of the stage I got over last year. 

Wait for it.

We don’t know what we are waiting for. But since God knows the plans he has for us, and Jesus is the author and finisher of our faith, and Faith is a substance of the things hoped for and belief in the things unseen. 

That’s right.

“I am not standing still, I Am lying in wait”

So I stand still and wait on the goodness of God. Knowing that every perfect gift comes from him. I know he has something perfect for me. It will be Just for me, it will be a perfect fit.

“And if there’s a reason I’m still Alive/when everyone who loves me has died”

I am waiting….

Hard to Love

There is a rumor in my family that Usher Raymond is my brother.

My father forever playing with my grandmother saw him on a TV screen and told my grandmother, that’s my son Jean. Don’t you remember?

Grandma recounts a memory of a young man coming to her door steps. He was with his mom. He was telling a story about how he was about to go start a singing group with some other young men. He was going to California. 

Grandma was in a funky mood, the day of the alleged meeting. She just had surgery on her stomach. She was in pain. My earthly Papa was a rolling stone. So when he hollered out, Jean come meet my son. She replied, with harsh tones, you always bringing someone around here talking about they are your child.

Needless to say, the man-child grandma describes as Usher never returned.

I don’t know what to believe.

I have a doppelgänger. Her name is Jasmine Sullivan. 

Maybe Usher is my father’s doppelgänger. Even my mother saw him after hearing grandmas story and said he looked like my father down to his hands. 

Maybe it’s the truth.

Usher has this song on his new album Hard 2 Love. 

On the track Hard 2 Love, he says, “it’s like you’re gambling falling for me. I’ll kill you, you’re gon lose.”

I never did that love thing. My father had a hard time settling down. I do too. It’s never been a big interest of mine. My big brother does too. 

I used to treat my lovers like a black widow spider. I never tried to keep them around for too long, and in the process they would get their hearts broken. After two months it was dead and gone, and all I was left doing was getting what my body craved until someone new came along that I found more interesting.

That’s why after my assigned appointment with Jesus I didn’t pay any attention to any of the men in my church. Now that I have opened my eyes I can see how fine they are. But I had spent my life leaving a trail of broken hearts behind. And only picking up the pieces when I get bored. So I was afraid to do that to another person after finally becoming remorseful for how I treated these men who were so kind to me.

Then last year. Someone caught my eye. 

Then he told me something that made me look at him with interest. 

Then he listened to me and reminded me of some things I said. He listened to me.

Then he went out his way for me.

Then he respected my no.

Then he sang a little song about Jesus for me.

Then. Then. THEN. He told me he was proud of me.

I think I fell in love. I am unfamiliar with being in love. But. Every time I saw him talking to a woman, I was unbothered. I didn’t need to talk to him everyday. And would still send him texts when he didn’t respond. 

Then the Jehovah’s Witness in me came out. I was leaving him literature to read by way of letters. Even after he told me he didn’t see us being in a relationship. 

Surely I can change his mind.

Then I realized he was for real.

But love doesn’t stop just because the other person is no longer interested. 

I get a chance to feel what my former loves felt.

But then I get to feel firsthand what my Savior has to feel for me.

Even when I am unresponsive, or cold to him. He still loves me. Even when I ignore him. He still loves me. Even when I disappear, he is waiting patiently to come open the door for me no matter what time I arrive. He still has his words readily available and is constantly sending people to me to give me his words.

Just like I have done with that man.

That’s love.

Love doesn’t look for reciprocity. That what are you doing for me mentality doesn’t exist with love.

I pray for this man. Not that he will love me. I pray that whatever woman he finds will love him, and will treat him better than he has ever felt. I pray that if she can’t love him like he deserves to be loved that God will show her how. I pray for the best in his life. I pray God changes what needs to be changed, and heals whatever hurts. 

Love is not selfish. I finally get that now. It’s not about me.

Love makes the hard to love, easy! 

I bet you didn’t know you have a perfect Savior waiting to love you just like that.

His name is Jesus. Call on him, he responds! 

And He just like someone truly in love, will meet you wherever you need him to meet you.

That’s love. That’s love a couple of forevers style. 

My Savior is the only one who knows about forever. He is the only one who can teach us how to love and how to give it and receive it.

Have you ever wondered what you have to do to let him in? 

I never knew how to love. Now I do and I am forever grateful. Because when you sow seeds, even ones of love, they always return. And I am feeling loved these days.

I guess I am not so hard to love these days. And more importantly. I have found that those hard to love is actually easy when one is overflowing and bubbling over with love.

How lovely!