“I am the one thing in life I can control.”

Listening to this Usher Raymond song on the Hamilton soundtrack. 

I am reminded of one thing. I can’t control anything but myself.

Sometimes I run away from my blessings because I don’t like what I am hearing. I don’t like how people treat me. I am sensitive to the people I love. I am Harsh with asshole tendencies to those I do not. 

But no matter how bad a situation is, it changes if you are willing to wait for it.

Why wouldn’t I wait for it?

Pride, ego, running after what’s available and ready for me instead of waiting for what I truly want. 

I’m like Ishmael all the time. You know the one in the bible who gave up his birthright for the stew. So hungry for what was right in front of him, he took that and gave up what was his destiny. His brother Jacob who became Isreal became Father to a nation of many! 

A legacy.

“My mother was a genius, my father commanded respect. When they died they left no instructions, just a legacy to protect.”

I am like an orphan. No mother or father. They didn’t tell me what to expect of this life without them being here. I am sure my father never imagined he would die at 39. I am sure my mother had no idea she would leave this earth at 49. 

I don’t have instructions but where I fall short in this life I have Gods word to bring the truth to my life.

Psalms 27:14 wait for the Lord; be strong and let your heart take courage; yes, wait for the LORD.

I’m willing to wait for it. Just because I love someone doesn’t mean I need to have them if they are not who they need to be at the present time to bring out the best in me.

Just because I need a car and have the money to get one doesn’t mean I get it, because maybe God needs to place me in the car with some people. Or maybe he needs me to meet some people on public transportation. Or maybe he needs someone to hear  my conversation of encouragement bringing him glory and honor.

I don’t know Gods plans.

Maybe he didn’t want to move me into the place I thought was a perfect fit for me, because he has something else for me.

Wait for it.

“Theodosia writes me a letter every day”

I write these letters to a man I have a caught a few feelings for. 

He ignores me regularly. He goes out with me never. He sends my calls to voice mail sometimes. He denies me before the people he hang with that have a problem with me. 

That’s not love. But. The male friends that are watching me make a fool of myself are patiently waiting for me to come to my senses and say eff him like they keep telling me to. The funny thing is. I always do this. I always catch feelings for the playboy. The guy everyone else wants. The one with all the options. And I always give my all. And then I finally fall back. And guess who is there to catch all the love that has built up for a person who never wanted it. That’s right. My guy friend. And we live happily ever after for a little while. 

They wait for it. 

My destiny.

I have had people promise me opportunities to help me get to my destiny. Or what I believe is my destiny. But if I had gotten there would I have met the man that prays for and with me, impacting my life and bringing about change in just a week. Or the various women who love me, check in on me and show me love and are not black. See some black people would have you believe white people are the devil, but the LOVE I feel from women of another race that aren’t even church going women is something I don’t feel from too many black women connected to me. Remember I am a love baby. I either feel it or I don’t. But. If I hadn’t had to wait for my opportunities would I have met these people along the way. If I didn’t have to wait for it, would I have gotten over my fear of the stage I got over last year. 

Wait for it.

We don’t know what we are waiting for. But since God knows the plans he has for us, and Jesus is the author and finisher of our faith, and Faith is a substance of the things hoped for and belief in the things unseen. 

That’s right.

“I am not standing still, I Am lying in wait”

So I stand still and wait on the goodness of God. Knowing that every perfect gift comes from him. I know he has something perfect for me. It will be Just for me, it will be a perfect fit.

“And if there’s a reason I’m still Alive/when everyone who loves me has died”

I am waiting….


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