b$&@h what kind of basic bullshhh are you pulling right here? If you don’t get your act together. Da fuq wrong with you?
That was my real live conversation to myself as I almost shed a tear, and was already upset at the fact I cried off my eyelashes the night before.
I can’t believe I done pulled a mokensteff. I have fallen in love with a man who don’t love me.
In my mind I can see me beating my hind end up. Because wtf is wrong with me.
Self to other self.
He said he…
But you knew he was a playa, a womanizer, a dawg.
I didn’t know a thing. I assumed. Maybe I…
Maybe I make excuses for people who have exactly what it takes to be right here with me, in my presence and actively in my life if they choose to be.
But my mind holds onto the memories of us holding pointer fingers not wanting to let go. According to one person, My name made big smiles appear on his face. The hours we spent in conversation. The hugs, the attention, the grabbing me like he didn’t want to let me go. All the wrestling, and play fighting as I struggled to keep my cookies in their jar. He let me win, and hold on for a moment. His strength. The reminders that he was not like the rest and I needed to wake up and see.
My short term memory may be shot right now, but I still remember the first day I met him. Inquiring to the person who introduced us if she had a thing for him. This thing been brewing for over a year now. How did I let a seed flourish into a full grown tree whose big stupid roots are breaking up some things in me.
Like my callous, nonchalant, dismissive, or vindictive behavior. I realize now. When you love someone truly love someone you don’t want to see them hurting. When we hurt people that we put time into love wasn’t the motivating factor. It may have been lust, addiction to their presence or flesh, or the need to create an imagery through appearances.
It was my fault. I should’ve run like the wind.
See I had red flags. He never wanted to go out. He never followed through on the plans he would say he wanted us to make or do together. He was always trying to get in my place. It was either for tea for a cold. Pretending to want to watch movies. Or to use the bathroom.
I thought we were friends.
But friends shouldn’t be…
We had already crossed the line.
Then another, and another.
Now I’m in the feelings I have caught like a bad cold. Suffering alone. Nobody to nurse me back to health.
And he’s probably off trying to make a new conquest believe he is ready to give up his thot pockets. Yes. He has claimed he has thot pockets.
I did the dummy.
I’m writing four page Aaliyah esque letters. Or maybe ten 1 page letters. Four of which haven’t been delivered. I bought a gift. Twice.
And ignored all the good guys.
I played the fool.
I wrote a poem years ago saying i wasn’t going to do it again. But here I am. Failing tests and learning lessons again.
Maybe I didn’t love myself enough to set the bar, and create the standards I know I deserve. Maybe, I wanted to believe what I knew wasn’t real. Maybe I wanted to prove to the world that I am lovable, even though others say otherwise and don’t even know me.
Maybe. I finally have a heart of flesh when I once had a heart of stone.
I watch the Issa Rae show Insecure. I see a name. The name is the Facebook name of an ex of mine. A real ex. Not just a former situation. I think of the cold hearted way I dismissed him.
He was calling my phone on repeat. Finally I told him, “all this was about was sex. It was good. We did what we did. Now it’s time to move around. Stop calling my phone.” He stopped calling. I never reached back out.
Even though I cared about him.
Back then. I would rather cut my nose off to spite my face. My feelings were rather surreal at the time. But I couldn’t let him know I was weak. I couldn’t let him know I was soft. I couldn’t let him know I had feelings. And when he tried to come ‘home’ I wouldn’t let him.
I was so cold.
Where she at though?
I am sitting here pining for someone who obviously isn’t thinking twice about me. He used to call me on my cell phone. Hot line used to bling. I thought I could make him put his phone, and hoes and reckless lifestyle down. But that’s my problem.
Always wanting to fix someone else. Always wanting to nurture someone else. Always wanting to help someone else. Do you know why?
Because I get to avoid dealing with my own stuff.
So. I can’t help the feelings I have. I have been asking God to take them away since the summer. They’ve gotten more intense. It’s real love. The type of love where you want the person to just be better. Where you pray for them. Where you pray the person they have chosen treats them right, and if they don’t, God shows them how to love them the right way.
I’ve never felt that before.
But. Since it’s not reciprocal. I take that love that I can’t give to him and use it to pray for him. Then I pass it along to the wonderful people in my life. First of all me. Then extra kisses for my baby girl. Then the people who call and remind me I am loved get this soft, tender and gentle character. I guess that’s what love does. It softens the rough edges. It makes me a little more gentle than I was before. I am not hardcore. I was created to be a nurturer. I am a love baby. Life made me hard. The rough things I went though made me this so called tough chick.
But love. Understanding love gave me grace.
Graceful movements through an awkward society, where awkward moments follow me like a hovering shadow.
And for that reason Of grace I am blessed.
I guess I can stop with the harsh words to myself.
It’s okay. I am human. I connected with a beautiful soul. He bared parts of himself to me, maybe it was game, maybe it was real life. But I saw vulnerability. He sang beautiful melodies that calmed my spirit. I saw the beauty of his kindness. I saw someone that made me feel. That made me want to be a better version of myself.
So I can take those lessons and carry them forth into my life. And realize.
Sometimes people come into our lives to teach us things. Sometimes people come into our lives to leave us with something. Sometimes people come into our lives to get us to a certain destination.
Only God knows. I have no other choice but to Lean on him for understanding.
So I will. Let Go and let God!
Whatever is meant to be will be, and what is not paves the way for what is.