I have fallen in strong like for the new HBO series, INSECURE.
Issa Rae is a genius. Her writing is imaginative and creative. Her humor is candid. And she uses my favorite word, the f bomb rather frequently.
I never said I was a lady. I often say I am such a fuckin lady.
I know, right.
I thought you loved Jesus. They will say.
I do. He loves me too. He knows I cuss. I often ask him to take the thorns that add to my total imperfections away. He often lets the scripture pop in my head that His grace is sufficient. A constant reminder that no matter how good I think I am I will never meet standards of perfection. Therefore, I may as well just accept grace as that gap that gets my sinful natured self to the throne. Shortcomings and all.
Besides. I need to be all things to all people so I may win some. And some people won’t take my soft voice seriously until I am cursing with harsh tones. Unfortunate but true.
One of my brothers in Christ asked me recently about marriage. Do I want to get married?
Now if I were any normal woman chatting with a handsome man, who happens to be educated, successful in his line of work, with a kind nature asking me these questions I might immediately stop and think he is asking because he is interested in me.
I am blunt and direct. If you don’t say flat out, Radiance I like you and I am interested in you, you stay in the friend 😍 zone forever!
So. I get to thinking. Do I want to be married?
That was never a goal in my younger years. I once told a woman I would never get married. The disdain for the arrangement that I saw with the only examples I knew made me want to run away from those possibilities.
Fairy tales were for TV. And Prince Charming was only available for the women who had everything going for themselves like the TV depicted. Long flowing locks of hair was one attribute. They always had these teeny tiny waists perfect for being slung in the air.
That was just not me. Not ever.
I kept cutting my lengthy hair short, probably so it wouldn’t be me.
No. Sir. I tell the guy. I would only want to be married right now for help with my daughter. And help is not a good reason to be married. Because she only has 12 more years at home. Unless she goes to boarding school then it’s only 8. So then what will I do with this man, who my heart never wanted to love but just allowed to come in to help me?
I will be gone like and with the wind.
I explained. He would have to be a friend who just so happened to creep into my heart and make a pallet there. Then all of a sudden I look up and I am in love.
That seems to be the way things happen for me. I am always running from love, dating, and relationships. Never allowing people to get too close.
Then all of a sudden I am getting rides home from work. And someone I would never look at like that for real is pulling a Daniel and Issa moment in the car. And I’m going in and pulling back and catching feelings.
Friend zones passed.
Friendships crashed, like overworked hard drives.
There is nothing wrong with communicating. There is nothing wrong with a man telling a friend you are interested in them like that so motives won’t be the motivating factor behind a situation. And it is alright for a woman to stay out of a mans face she is interested in. Not pretending under e guise of friendship, more often than not to send him off about every woman he is interested in hoping he will see her for the dream she wants to believe she will be to him.
I am single asf.
I am waiting on a feel. Someone who motivates me to be better. Like when I am on the phone I just want to clean my whole house. Or write a thousand songs and poems. Or love and hug my daughter a little harder. Or exercise with consistency.
I don’t need fairy tales for real life. Carriages and horses for hire are not my thing. Rocks on my finger would probably get caught on everything since I use my hands a lot for creating things. I just need a partner. A business partner. A life partner. A coach. A teacher teaching me the things I don’t know but he does.
I see. My vision is not so cloudy.
I tend to see who a person is going to be to me before they do a thing.
So. Listen. Or read. There is nothing wrong with waiting. Usually I don’t have the patience for it. I always move on to the next when what I want doesn’t give me what I want. But, I always miss out because of that pride. No more pride. Patience. That’s the virtue. Being single is not a death sentence. It is a place of comfort and joy if one allows God to guide, teach, train and mold one while waiting.
So I wait!