I will never forget the year I fell in love I with a married man.

He was tall; 6’4, caramel complexion, and so handsome. 

I was walking up to my friends apartment, square in hand, and whatever had me stressed had me smoking the cigarette until the butt. 

He asked for the county short. I looked at him in disdain. I mean what kind of man is trying to shoot his shot at a woman walking in an alley. I immediately discarded him as trash.

But me, forever being nice, and always wanting to give what is asked of me proceeded to walk towards him to give him the short. I figured he had to be going through worse than I was if he needed my short that was nothing meow than fumes really at this point.

He tricked me though. The first time of many. He didn’t want my short, he wanted me to be his shorty. His nucca no matter what as he chose to describe it later as we got closer.

I wasn’t really interested. Especially after he told me he drove a city transit bus. I was too bourgeoisie for that. Bad, and boujee. Especially after he asked me was I a stripper. I already knew what type of man he was; and I had just come back from California visiting PhD programs at Berkeley, Stanford, UCLA, UC Davis, UC Santa Cruz just to name a few. I was being groomed for the life of the upper echelon. My ‘guy’ was working on his Masters. 

No sir. My family lives in the hood. Just because I am a product of the ghetto doesn’t mean I am a ghetto progeny. My story will not end here, and it looks as if you live for the hood.

No and thank you.

But. Life happens. Shifts change, and currents tide. 

My mother as dying of cancer, and my ‘guy’ was being dishonest. Besides, he never told me he was married. What he did tell me I disregarded because he said he wasn’t married.

However, when a year later he did come clean I didn’t leave him all the way alone. I insisted he leave. I insisted he get his own place. I was bossy and demanding. And he did.

Oh the repercussions!

I met an abusive man shortly after that. One that refuses to help raise his child, and quits a job every time child support sends papers. Touché.

I had never been a person who had a hard time finding and keeping love around. After that, however, love always seemed to slip through my fingers. Jobs became hard to come by. I got kicked out of school. The job that was waiting for me after my graduation was forfeited. My mother died. My friends became busy with their own lives. My family couldn’t help. I knew homeless nights a time too many.

And then here comes Jesus.

And then here comes this relationship with my Savior. 

And then here comes repentance, and obedience.

Jobs started lining up, money started rolling in, homelessness is a thing of the past, even after not having an income from my job in almost three months. 

Then here comes a secret desire of mine being fulfilled. Before all the horrors of the year my mother died and cavorting with the married man, I had this amazing boyfriend. One who took me everyplace I wanted to go, bought me everything I thought I wanted, and loved me unconditionally.

And he once took me to see Def Poets on stage.

I wanted to do that. I wanted to share my poetry with people on a big stage. 

But I never told anyone that. 

But one appointment. One meeting with my pastor, and he offered me a spot on the stage.

See my pastor didn’t know me. I hadn’t been recommended to him. But God knew me. He knew my changes had come. He knew I sent the married man home to his wife encouraging him to be true to her and love her like he did when they were teenagers. He knew I blocked all contact, and vowed to never make that mistake again.

He knew I was living a sacrificial life. My God knew this. He recommended me.

And I made a promise. Well not really. I stated some words. I said I was patiently waiting for my husband at the end of that poem.

Lord knows I meant it. But, the way my resistance is set up these days. I fought a good fight. I ran a good race. But someone at my job hindered me. 

Those words became meaningless and futile.

So now the hurt and pain I am suffering letting go of something I was never supposed to grab hold to is a constant  nagging reminder of why obedience is better than sacrifice.

See lack of obedience is why Saul lost his kingdom to David. And David’s taking Uriahs wife is the reason why his child with Bathsheba died, why his son slept with his wives, and why someone was always going to die by the sword in his household.

2 Samuel 12:10,11: 10 From this time on, your family will live by the sword because you have despised me by taking Uriah’s wife to be your own.
11 “This is what the Lord says: Because of what you have done, I will cause your own household to rebel against you. I will give your wives to another man before your very eyes, and he will go to bed with them in public view. 

God holds us accountable for our behaviors. We have to suffer the repercussions of our actions. This is why, i always ask God to show me how to deal with people dealing with hardships. If they are being disciplined by God because of sins against Him who am I to step in the middle of what crooked path God is making straight? If a person is constantly going through the same thing because like Jonah they are running from obedience to God, and I step in to help them, should I be surprised when I am hit because I am blocking Gods hand from hitting them.

God is a God of mercy and grace, when we repent. But he is also the same God who caused the earth to swallow up whole families who were disobedient in the wilderness, even when only one member of the family was guilty.

Guilty by association.

But God was merciful. To David.

1 Samuel 12: 13 Then David confessed to Nathan, “I have sinned against the Lord.”
Nathan replied, “Yes, but the Lord has forgiven you, and you won’t die for this sin. 

I often wondered what was the key to the gospel of Christ.

Acts 8:37!

All I have to do is believe. Believe that Jesus is the Son of God and he died for my sins. Once I believe I know that when I confess my sins they are forgiven, and thrown in the sea of forgiveness. Then I run a race working hard to win no more. 

I hold myself accountable, all while remembering there is no condemnation for those in Christ Jesus. He is my only judge. He judges with grace and mercy. 

So.

We all fall short. A righteous man falls seven times, stands up eight.

Get up. Someone is waiting for you! You did it. But grace, being sufficient, said all is well. We are imperfect beings whose desire to is to serve a perfect God. So go, and be. Become all God called you to be! Because He is the one who authored, and finishes our faith!

Let it be done!

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