I am grateful. I am blessed. I have walked in my healing. I have purpose and peace.

I used to be a revolutionary. All power to the people. I wanted so bad to help my people. But then when it came time to save me I wanted to know where was my people at to help me?

I am a survivor. Of domestic abuse. Now wait. Lets sit this right here. So many women who love abusive men would like to tell me it was my fault. My mouth shouldn’t have been so big. I shouldn’t have this or that. But I never have the power to stop anyone from using their body to harm another.

That was his self control.

Or lack thereof.

But. As a result of leaving behind a relationship that caused physical, mental and emotional harm I had some setbacks.

Maybe my setbacks were necessary for my comebacks.

I lost everything. But my daughter. She was my rock through it all. She kept me pushing towards greatness. She kept me focused on a better life for us.

There were times I wanted to leave her behind but I couldn’t. I couldnt bare the thought of my baby not seeing me for extended periods of time. Besides where would she go?

My mother passed away September 2008. My family disconnect already being high from the religion that kept us separated had me trying to figure things out on my own.

But maybe not on my own. God had always been there with me. He ordered my steps.

I will never forget the shelter my daughter and I lived in right after walking away from her father. That’s where the healing began. That’s where I learned community amongst women. We would take turns cooking for each other. We had chores. We walked the streets of Evanston as a family. A group of women who were strangers to me in the beginning but friends and sisters at the end.

I made sacrifices. I didn’t have the support system of family and friends to turn to. I had to make a way. Or I had to let the way be made by the steps that had been ordered by the Lord for me.

In losing it all I lost my dreams. Being kicked out of UIC the year I was in the abusive relationship, then turning to care for him while he was unable to fend for himself, and care for a newborn, and work part time, and go to school full time. I damn near lost my mind too.

I thought I made as many good choices as I could.

My daughter’s father was only chosen in my grief induced state of despondency and despair.

I was missing my mother and afraid of living this life alone.

But I lost it all.

Now when I look back I realize maybe it was all Gods plan.

Philippians 3:8 What is more, I consider everything a loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them garbage, that I may gain Christ.

I lost a lot. But I gained this relationship with Christ!

I used to drink my sorrows away. I used to smoke the pain away. I used to sleep with men to rid myself of the numb feeling I had inside. I used to be an attention seeker. I used to do all the things to fill the void of my Lord and Savior.

Listen. I am not a perfect mom. Maybe you don’t feel like you are either. All moms don’t always have the emotional health and support needed to raise a child according to the standards society has given us. But do your best sis.

And when that’s done ask God to show you how to be better.

I am grateful. My mother asked me on her death bed to show her I could do more with my life besides drinking and smoking it away.

Success!

I am a mother. Missing my mother on mothers day. But I plan to shine bright for my diamond like treasure, my daughter.

I am fighting a new cause. Fighting to heal to remove toxicity from me for my daughters sake. I am fighting to heal so I can show my sisters how to.

I am still revolutionary. But how can I change the world when I can’t even change myself. I have to be my best self to give that to others to show them how to be their best as well.

So I do.

As a mother. As a sister. As a friend. As whatever I can give.

And I know you can too!

 

 

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