Source: Permission to Feel
If you have been following my diary blog for a while now.
I was a fragmented person looking to find sense in the pieces I had been shattered into, over and over again.
So I wrote. I wrote my truths. I beared my all. I needed to make sense of it all.
I have come to the understanding that the things we go through are important for shaping us according to the purpose God has for our lives. Don’t run from your truth. Don’t run from your pain. Feel it. Speak it. Face it. There is freedom in all of it.
Isn’t that the goal?
Isn’t that why people march in the streets? Isn’t that why we protest?
But Assata Shakur once said she wouldn’t know what freedom was, even having been freed from prison (breaking out?), and having political asylum in Cuba.
But I found freedom in the confines of my mind so I write about it.
I try to walk in love. Love includes discipline, and holding people accountable for behaviors that are outside the realm of approval to God. We (God’s chosen priesthood) are called to live lives that are holy, under acts of purity. How are we bringing the sins of others to God as intercessors when our hands are dirty? When the priests of old got caught doing that they were killed on the spot.
You may be physically alive. But spiritually dead, quoting scriptures out of context refusing to bring your sins to God. Refusing to admit you have a problem. Refusing to acknowledge that some things you do aren’t being done in love.
I recognize it. I dont form an opinion about your chsracter because your actions don’t dictate whats in your heart all the time. I mean havent you ever said something you didn’t mean to someone you loved. Lacking self control. In anger. Wanting to get them back in a spirit of retaliation? But on reality knowing you love them.
See i get it. I too used to be a Pharisee. Judging people. In my reign of superiority because of my religiosity. Knocking on doors. Telling the churched and unchurched they were going to die unless they came to the Kingdom Hall and became one of Jehovah’s Witnesses.
And then here comes Jesus. He stripped me. Blinded me. Maybe in my realm of being too judgemental he allowed me to think that just because a man quoted a scripture real good, looked real dapper in nice clothes to promote policy for my city that he would never violate me in my own space and justify his behaviors with scriptures. See had I prayed without ceasing like I used to. Had I asked God to reveal to me who a person was. Had I done that instead of just letting their reputation precede them as is the bad habit I picked up, after coming to church. I would’ve saw it coming. I would’ve been saved.
I wouldnt have fallen so hard for the man who quotes scriptures so hard but had a spirit of perversion and influence. I would’ve been able to ask God to show me as I always had. I would’ve done that instead of leaning on my own understanding. Then I wouldn’t have ended up being one of those people who chose a way that seemed right, but led me to death.
Right to a spiritual demise.
That’s why when I give the youth, you know those younger than me, advice; I remind them to stop looking at who they appear to be. Ask God to show you. Pray without ceasing.
Like Samuel had to do when choosing David. Flesh will have you choosing everyone but the anointed one of you’re waiting for people to tell you who it should be.
And men. Thinking men thoughts. Side with their own kind. For this act of treason. The nation that sat in my ovaries had just been attacked. And the woman who sat in one place only knew one way to react.
Give it away give it away give it away now.
I wrote that poem in 2014. I ministered it in 2015 at a thanksgiving service my Pastor asked me to after meeting me for the first time, periscoping me, and having no one to validate or give him an impression of me but the Holy Spirit.
Listen I tell you the truth, this years event triggered the same emotions as did during the period the poem was written about, circa 2007.
I began doing what I was doing in 2007. This year I started back smoking cigarettes like a chimney. But God stopped that. Tried to do an ex lover, stopped midway like Psalms 143 just popped up in my mind. Let’s read it.
No I can not go back.
I have healed.
Even if lying men use words of disconnect to bring divisions in my supposed sanctuary. Even if men side with other men for their despicable behaviors. Even if those men who side with said men, try to attack me and bully me for the text messages they were never supposed to see or know about if they had not opened doors for their family members to be a part of the group who got the scoop shared it like ice cream, and everyone dived in intent on demolishing my name.
Maybe I’m imagining the last part. Maybe i am not.
But I get to speak My truths. My testimonies. We are overcome by the blood of the lamb and our testimony. But men that try to tear down my name in a city that does more name recognition than Jesus and Holy Spirit approval recognition, shut down the very ones God has called. And stand in the way of Gods plan for his people. Playing God. So the people I have been called to go get will never be got.
Maybe that’s why the violence is so out of control in Chicago. The people God wants to use are seen as nobodies. Or their name got tarnished by the liars and manipulators who may practice magic behind closed doors but know church people are not familiar with that spirit so they hide in churches, in pulpits, in praise teams and sing over people keeping them bound just like the enemy likes. Or if they don’t, they have a friend who does. Or their influence is just so overwhelming that people fall for their deception every time.
Why else would a nobody be attacked, and their name dragged through the mud?
Yep. The woman with the story to tell is always called crazy. Or she just wanted that man so bad, she wants to get back at him.
But my words. Explain my freedom.
I have been at church for 4 years. It was always about a want.
But everyone has a different assignment. Even the Israelites were worshipping the golden calf and performing the sexual rituals they learned from their time in Egypt while Moses was on the mountain.
Some of us are valley people. Some of us are mountain people. But even Aaron in the valley was still used by God.
Jesus always asked the ones he healed in the bible, do you want to be made whole.
I made the choice.
And I understand I am an enemy to the enemy’s camp of darkness and being bound.
Let me tell you though. I have to refuse to be distracted. I know where I came from. Like Esther. I want my people to be free.
The people from the organization where they knock on peoples doors traveling in burning sun, blustery winter conditions, rain sleet and snow, every single day to try and tell others of the bible and the God of the bible.
The people who are taught to be intent on not sinning. And when they sin some go and tell on themselves. I told on myself. I didn’t much like the deception of living a double life and hiding my sins. I went and told the brothers this is what I did. I need help.
That’s why they disfellowshipped me and I couldn’t talk to my family and friends. I knew what was probably going to happen. But for me, doing what I thought was required to by God was more important than how others saw me.
The people who show love amongst themselves. The gatherings they hold to come together. The small groups of 10-30 they used to break the congregations of 150-300 down to study the bible in someones home. The hospitable people. The organized people. The people who went to get a member if they weren’t at the hall for too long. Like literally knocking on their door and sitting down with them, praying with them. The people who worked hard on building relationship and teaching each other how to build relationship.
My memories vary from others but I have no hostility towards the organization.
Yes. The people from whence I came.
There are over 7 million who still believe paradise is on earth even though the bible says something completely different in Corinthians.
Dont add to the word. Please don’t take away.
The devil. The father of the lie. Surely uses his children who love to lie to bring darkness in front of Gods chosen ones.
I’m not for this drama. I will speak my truth. I have walked into my freedom.
No more of a laundry list of things I, PERSONALLY, wanted to be made whole and cleansed from. Like a leper.
These words on this screen, carried to far away lands sometimes as far as Brazil, Africa, etc have reached people. Who probably stopped and prayed for me. And I thank you all for following my journey.
It was hard work healing.
I speak my mind a little bit sounder. I don’t internalize it and keep it to myself then go on an eating binge, then beating myself up with the what if I had said…
No. Let’s address it, and move on.
No grudges being held. If you don’t like what I have said, and no longer want to talk to me then your interest in me was purely superficial in the first place.
I’m never going to be your superficial phony fake as grass on a miniature golf lawn friend.
I watch my friends get free, experience joy and go do the same things I’ve done with them with others.
You know a tree by the fruit it bears.
Where’s the fruit?
But I’m done. Thank you. For reading. For commenting, whether on the page or amongst your friends. I’ve got my freedoms. I hated being bound to sin. I am still a sinner as everyone on earth that is imperfect is, but the things that used to have me craving what wasn’t good for me is gone.
Even if I do it, I don’t have to wallow in the mess I have made.
That’s what freedom looks like.
Gods will be done.
I hope you enjoy my new series as I get ready to release the first book in my series, The (i will reveal it later) series. My character will be introduced with her initials only until the first book is published.
Truth is stranger than fiction. So I write about it, and use my imagination. I hope you all will continue to join me on my walk. This journey has been expansive. But for me it has been a blessing and a privilege.
Stay well. Be easy, but not too breezy. Pursue peace and walk in love.
May the God of Abraham Issac and Jacob forever guide you to the place he intended you to be upon conception.