I was sad today

Day 16

I have come to the realization that I am joy from Inside Out!

  
I’ve never understood the need for sadness. So I avoid sad people. I avoid thinking of what will make me sad. That’s why my filter is so small. I forgive so easily because I don’t want to remember what makes me sad.

But today. 

I am reminded that everything I ever wanted I lost because of the last relationship I was really sincerely in with my heart and mind.

By now I hope I would have been working on my PhD, hopefully at UC Berkeley. Shopping at the Adidas store that sits right across the street from it preparing to get ready to be a professor of African American studies concentrating in the culture of hip-hop.

Remember it was the love of my life!!

Or sitting comfortable after accepting the after graduation offer to be a manager at Jewel Osco. The offer I received the summer my mother died.

But I loved.

And I lost.

And I lost me in the process.

I lost my ability to relate to I. I lost my I, in the process of relating to someone who made me feel so insignificant.

But today.

I realized that. I acknowledged my emotions. I cried a little. I encouraged. I loved.

And after my daughter got out of school I let her play at the park. She ran. She climbed. She was overfilled with joy. 

And when she laid on me on our ride home she told me that when she gets older she will never leave me. Because I’m the best mom ever.

And then it hit me.

See I celebrated yesterday my friends birthday. I wanted to go all out, cooking all that good food with her. See when I was sad after my mom died, she helped me clean up for my birthday party to make sure I celebrated my birthday. Not just observed, but celebrated. She encouraged me through the decisions. To have her or not. To stay with her father or not. And she just listened to me.

And sometimes like in inside out, we just need someone there through it all.

And I lost but I gained. 

I gained an understanding of what real friends do. I got this beautiful daughter. 

And now. I was sad. But now I’m happy again. I had my moment. But she and I sit here watching Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory, the original one. And we enjoy our time together.

Yes!

No one can be happy 100% of the time when life always hands us low blows. But it’s enjoying and appreciating the moments.

  
So continue to live and love your moments!!

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Moments

Day 13

#100daysofhappy

I could only do one church service today. That one, with my I don’t care praised, had me taking too many naproxens. I don’t like taking pills. But thank God I have some pain pills to take.

But the word. The start of service😁!! That was just for me!!

See that storm from Thursday had my daughter and I soaked through and through! I shivered in the air conditioning of the place I will be at every Thursday night. Applying the blood of Jesus that I would not get sick🌈🌈. I didn’t!

But the latter rain. Those torrential storms will be like my blessings.

I believe!! God is about to… Yes. Just that.

Then today. All these old friends popping up. Pastor preached that last Sunday.

But I chatted. Got off the phone to read my baby a few bedtime stories.

I encouraged someone today. Someone reminded me about obedience.

And I realized that God always gives me a warning about people. I hear. So I adhere. Pay attention and take heed!

Yes today. Short sweet and to the point!

I found a blessing in the treasures of my moments!!

Let’s be happy everyday, or at least 100 days consistently

so I’ve done this thing called 100 days of happy before. But then it was a struggle to be happy. Now though.

I talk about real life because I can’t keep my head in the sand all my life, but I’m a happy lady these days.

Walking down the street. Head held high, smiling and speaking. 

Yes Lord.

Today though. My happy story starts with obedience!

I wind up taking care of my important business early. Friday my doctors office said my doctor had no appointments until October. I’m like I don’t know about who a lie, but my God is the truth!

I felt the urge in my spirit to just go to the office. How can they deny 5’8.5 236 pounds of smiling brown woman in front of them? 

So I get to see her. God 1, the enemy been defeated!!!

Anyway after going to pay a bill, I feel that familiar urge this time telling me to take the bus to my daughters school. But I’m like the train is faster. It’s 1 pm and I can’t be late for my precious ladybug 🐞🐞🐞.

Then I’m like God?!!? Who you want me to meet on the bus?

And I’m sitting across from him. I can’t help but notice his hand. And I think of my friend. My beautiful friend who had his hand caught in some machinery. 

This man too looks as if he had some trauma to one of his fingers, and I can’t help but listen to him sing his beautiful melodies.

So I’m hearing him sing brick house, and I smile.

My momma. Built like a thoroughbred in her heyday, 22 inch waist, is why all these pounds on me and my waist be like 31 inches give or take. Well that was fifteen pounds ago. But still. More muscle than fat covers my frame.

  
So he looks up at me near the end of his ride and calls me a soldier.

I’m just online finding what belongs to me and mine. 

I want it all back.

But I look up at him curiously as he begins to sing a song about being a soldier for the Lord.

I smile again.

He said Gods soldiers can’t be cowards.

It’s funny I was just having this conversation with my grandmother the day before. 

I’m not afraid of anything!

Only God. Fear God, like not afraid but that awe like fear. Never man.

I asked him how did he know though?

So he continues. He tells me it’s the glow I have that let him know I was for God. He told me to stop trusting people. As long as I have Jesus who do I need? 

He talked about me always being in my books. Getting that knowledge about life and God. And not having time to chat with girlfriends. If they not trying to go to that higher place in Christ with me I leave them behind.

He told me the type of man I needed. I was like man, God I was just saying that’s what I wanted. And then he went into how rich I am.

He said if you doing work for the Lord and you receive a penny you are far more rich than these others. Your words about the Lord being delivered all over the world, and if all you get is a penny you are richer than all these people, basically what he said, doing it for vain glory. 

Like those apostle Paul preached of.

Phillipians 1:15 It’s true that some are preaching out of jealousy and rivalry. But others preach about Christ with pure motives. 

But what Paul went on to say was what does it matter as long as the good news about Christ is being preached.

And when he got off the bus all I could say was that was God using him. I hadn’t said one word to him. He didn’t know me. I had never seen him before. 

That gift of prophecy used to edify. See prophecy confirms what God has already shown or given me. 

Obedience. Better than sacrifice.

1 Samuel 15:22,23 22 But Samuel replied,

“What is more pleasing to the Lord:
your burnt offerings and sacrifices
or your obedience to his voice?
Listen! Obedience is better than sacrifice,
and submission is better than offering the fat of rams.
23 Rebellion is as sinful as witchcraft,
and stubbornness as bad as worshiping idols.
So because you have rejected the command of the Lord,
he has rejected you as king.” 

 We can give our servitude all day long. Sacrifices ain’t obedience.

The same reason Moses didn’t make it to the promised land. 

Disobedience.

The Lord is telling us all to do something.

I hope you’re taking heed. I’m repenting and asking forgiveness for slothfulness in obedience.

But that beautiful thing called grace, and mercy! 

So when I get home one of my nos have been turned to a yes!

Look at God! He will restore.

Joel 2:25,26 25 The Lord says, “I will give you back what you lost
to the swarming locusts, the hopping locusts,
the stripping locusts, and the cutting locusts.
It was I who sent this great destroying army against you.
26 Once again you will have all the food you want,
and you will praise the Lord your God,
who does these miracles for you.
Never again will my people be disgraced. 

I’ve lost a lot. It matters not what I’ve lost. Because I really gained. I gained Christ. And when I gained Him I gained adoption to be called. A daughter of God, and to call Him Abba, Papa, or Daddy!!

And He always hears me.

Man. To know Jesus and know that him sitting on the right hand of God interceding, and praying for me. See it’s because I have a relationship with Jesus, the one the Almighty God said you had to know in order to get to him is a reason to be happy.

I Don’t know about all these angry people anymore. I once was. Now I’m free.

Thank God for Jesus! 

See after picking my daughter up and spending a couple hours in the library with her, I allowed her to pick one book so we could read together before bed.

And we just did. 

Moments don’t come happier than this, and if they do then I can wait. I want to savor the flavor of what’s on my plate right now. Thank God. My life. Full of smiles and sunshine no matter how dark the clouds may seem to be telling me there is no sun. 

   
 The Son I know shines as light in the midst of darkness. So I know for sure the Son will come out tomorrow!!!

Perfectly flawed

I wear on my 5’8.5 frame, 230+ pounds. 

  
I go up and then I’m down.

The yo-yoroller coaster of life has me eating food to comfort me from the throes of life.

I once had a trainer tell me I wouldn’t lose the weight until I feel safe.

I am survivor. 

And they things I have survived keep me on the prowl for someone to supersave a thug. I really just need some hugs.

Hard as a cotton bAll. I never fought for me. But if you tried to hurt someone I loved I went in.

I guess I didn’t love my daughter enough at the time to fight the attacker that attacked me while she was in my belly.

But I love her now!

Let a hitta try me, try me!!

My family members are guards in the county. They’ll look out for me.

But nah. No jokes. For real. Ain’t nobody go time to be locked up and confined! 

So here I am. Overindulging. Eating too much. Good food, yuck food, any type of food has replaced my addictions of my past life. 
Addictions don’t die they seem to be replaced. 

I used to replace my addictions with exercise. But what happens when my body gives out on me. Then I’m eating.

I been eating. I been eating. Not drinking like 👑🐝!

So I’m looking at these celebs online who everyone has something to say about their weight gain. 

Matthew Perry. My favorite friend. Mariah Carey. Christina Aguilera. And the list goes on.

People love to talk about your demise and downfall. But are super quiet about your success.

I wonder if people compare themselves to others. 

Well my thighs are not that big. Even though your belly is larger. Well my neck doesn’t have as many rolls. No. But your back does.

Was that mean?

I’m sorry. 

Sometimes I can’t help myself.

I’m still a work in progress. Being delivered from unkindness. Working to speak the truth in a kind way.

Like for example. How do you tell a messy individual they are messy unless you say it out loud knowing they will hear, but not loud enough for anyone else To hear. Hoping they won’t carry the mess to tear your name down. But operate in love. Maybe that wasn’t loving. Maybe letting someone know their behavior is messy out loud and with a smile is better than a mumble.

Forgive me. I am still learning this operating in the real world with no phony or fake bones in my skeletal.

Anyway, The bible says that’s how Christs followers are known.

By love.

So here I am. My struggle. My body. Safety. In numbers. 

Not the numbers that push the scale up. But the number of people who are genuinely interested in my well being.

Someone said she was concerned about me. I’ve been missing in action. I believe she may have been. But why do we spend so much time speculating about people behind their back instead of showing genuine concern to their face. Asking why. Confrontation is not in the questions being asked, it’s in how the question is being asked!

I appreciated the genuine concern in my face. I hate the look of disdain that I know accompanies words being spoken behind my back.

So I eat. I won’t poison my body with the liquor anymore. And as soon as my body heals I go HARD in the gym. 

But I eat.

I am praying that one day soon I learn to eat to live and let go of my ties of living to eat!

And until then I’m loving my perfectly flawed self!