Consistency

I am doing this thing these days. If I start with something I aim to finish it.

Like if I start encouraging a person. I aim to do that thing until God says stop.

Or if I start with this vegan lifestyle, I plan on picking every piece of egg I can find out of the fried rice I forgot to tell them to make without egg.

If I am working on building a better me, then I want to be able to do that consistently. I remember when walking and running miles were my thing. Then I fell off. But consistency would have kept me on.

I need consistency.

I need routine.

I don’t care if you are a consistent shady character.

Just don’t ever change how you treat me.

Until you are ready to come clean about how you been throwing shade and me under the bus. 

I have come to brace myself for certain individuals and their sly comments and almost compliments. 

I have something to look forward to. 

But, I have expectations.

See consistency. That’s all i need.

Someone consistent in their decency.

If someone is going to be in my life they have to consistently be a decent person, with morals and integrity. Trust is such a big thing to me. And if I cannot trust a person they cannot be in my inner circle. 

See consistency is such a tough thing to find these days. 

Then a double minded man is unstable in all his ways.

A couple of weeks ago, I was in the train. A man I had been crazy about for all of 2016 happened to be on the same car as I. We were both so busy in our phones that we didn’t see each other. Or maybe I didn’t see him. Maybe he saw me and had his own private agenda. Because his story of wanting to go to Giordano’s is not adding up when I just looked to see what time they opened today. They open at 11 AM. We were getting off at my stop at a little before ten. He was definitely not about to wait until 11 until they opened up. 

So we were walking. I told him I threw my feelings for him away. 

Buddy was under the impression that all women get hooked on something and will stay. And maybe he thought because I am a nice person who was interested in encouraging him so let the words God has given me to help him on his journey, in addition to my attraction was going to cause me to allow him to mistreat me. Even though he would not give me what I was asking for, he thought I would still be willing to stay around for the foolery.

I am an only child. I enjoy my alone time. I have only ever been in three official relationships, because once I start something I ride that thing until the wheels fall off and even then I am slow coasting on the rims.

So he asked why. I explained that if my feelings were unnecessary and weren’t going to be put to use what use are they. If the feelings weren’t being reciprocated, why hold on. I threw them away. I have no plans to go and find them. 

He began to explain how I come up with all types of conclusions, that aren’t true. 

And the more we talked, I knew my mind wouldn’t be changed. When I am done I am done. Forget everything else. That’s it. That’s why I don’t commit. If I was committed I would have been compelled to try. But no commitment means a towels throw away. 

As our time together progressed he began to ask me for a kiss. 

Not a chance buddy. We are literally fighting for kisses. Me to not give him one, and him to force me into giving him one. 

When I explain to him why he begins to go into details about all the women he is interested in that is not me.

Is that double minded or what? Why would a man be wrestling with a woman he is not interested in?

I need consistency.

I knew he wasn’t consistent. 

Some days I would get texts, some days I would not. 

Some days he was available to talk, some days he was not.

Some days we would speak to each other, some days we would not.

I was so over it.

Consistency is king in the land of confusion. 

Life is too short to not know what you want. Life is to be lived, and what you want shouldn’t change with the current of the wind.

Nope. I want consistency.

See I have a couple of goals. And like Joseph led Mary to a place to birth her promise safely, I need someone who is consistent about listening to God to follow the path we are supposed to take to make that happen.

I know a consistent person will push and motivate me to become my best consistent version of myself, because that is something they have already conquered.

Anything else will quickly get dismissed!

Everything I want is not good for me. So I will consistently stress to myself that I deserve the best life I was placed here to live. And live abundantly. I will live consistently and on purpose. 

Love on time, at the right time and in the right season. Love like a sculpture on the potters wheel. Love like you are willing to conform to a mold that best suits the beauty of this life that you want to hold. Some sculptures, like vases, have a small opening, and some sculptures are wide enough to hold larger pieces on display. 

Whatever you allow love to mold you into, make it the you that has the most to give to the rest of the world!

Spread love. It’s an art. It was never meant to be kept to yourself, because when it’s real you can’t contain it nor hide it. The whole world will know about it!

Protector

I used to listen to Steve Harvey talk about the ways a man will show his interest in a woman. 

Those three things were to provide, profess, and protect.

Protection.

I need a man to hold me down in the areas I can’t when it comes to being safe in this world.

Remember Miss Sophia said the world ain’t safe for a woman child in a house full of men. And here we are in this society full of men who think rape culture is alright. 

She must’ve asked for it, about the woman who said no repeatedly to the man she let in her home just for tea or coffee. 

Remember For Colored Girls? 

Just because I enjoy your company doesn’t mean I want to enjoy your body.

I always had to be tough. Who was there to protect me? 

My father died when I was 15. My stepfather was a joke, and I didn’t meet my brother until I was 26.

Yeah. I don’t think too much about fighting women. We been fought, beat up, abused, mistreated, made to be responsible while the boys got away with bloody murder.

It’s easier for me to forgive the transgressions of a woman than it is for me to not hold a man accountable for his behavior. He was built to lead. And I can’t see letting him fall short of using traits that will make him a better leader. 

I am more mature these days, even at my lowest. But I remember how I was always quick to jump in a dude face screaming, “I fight boys.”

I would’ve, it I had to. Until my momma died. My baby was in my belly and the boy who wanted to fight me wanted to abort the baby in my baby too. Yeah. I just humbled myself.

I don’t keep much beef with my sisters. 

But these guys. The guys Who are supposed to be protecting his sisters. The guys lying on their dipstick just trying to see how many licks it takes to get a chick to drop her guard and let him in. 

Those lying boys.

They love to pretend as if they have gotten notches on their belt, when they have really just gotten dismissed, looked at in contempt like why are you here looking to undress yourself in my space as if I am interested in pursuing you on that level?

Those lying boys. Supposed to be protecting sister girls image. Supposed to be protecting her heart. When they pretend they want anything more than sex they allow a woman’s heart to be unguarded. They are supposed to be protecting her body. Why satisfy your cravings on a woman treating her like a toilet. Just someplace to do your business?

What is wrong with settling down with one woman?

I often wondered.

And then I saw a post. It talked about hazing sin fraternities. It spoke of rituals I would care not to discuss right now. But it caused me to wonder about men and their ability to be with one woman. Does it have anything to do with needing an urge and a craving satisfied that a woman never can?

Is that why my brothers refuse to protect their sisters. Protect their reputations after one  out of character deed, forgetting all the good they did before? Protect their minds by speaking truth to them. Protect their bodies by honoring their no. Protect their hearts by treating them with kindness and dignity?

Who taught black women how to hate themselves. Was it the black man with his love of the exotic features? That same mans’ love of the look of women who have never and may never walk along side them in the struggle? Is that why we compete with each other like crabs in  a barrel. Who has the longest weave, the fairest skin, the most European features is the one who will get chosen by the man who hates himself, and hates his sister in the process.

Brother I needed protection. Ten years ago. On this early morning when I supposed to be headed to school. 

My dreams were left there with the hauntings of a naive, not so innocent, young woman who never knew what being protected felt like. 

There was no savior back then.

But that’s why I love my Savior like I do now.

I used to choose men based on what my physical self told me was good. If he looked good, or smelled good, and did this and that good. Yep, it’s him. He is the one for me. But now a days things are different. If he doesn’t have integrity he is a no go. You remember the traits I discussed in the last blog? Those values would be honesty, loyalty, and moral fibers in his values; now let’s add, and be able to protect me to the growing list. If he doesn’t have those basic things; I am not interested.

I get this. This is not all my brothers. But I have been so bad at making choices, it is hard to be able to discern between what’s real and what’s fake. 

I just dismissed the fake. The fake that got mad at me for not letting him in my home, and not letting him kiss me. 

Nope. No sir. These lips are on reserve for somebody God has deemed worthy. 

The fake that got to spreading vicious rumors about me behind my back, but failed to say a word in my face. The fake that keeps harassing me with his nasty display of indecent behavior by gossiping and repeating secrets I thought I told a friend.

I Guess. My brother became my enemy.

But the Lord is faithful. He will strengthen me and protect me from the evil one. The ones that refuse to become accountable for their behavior. That keep lying to themselves about where their self hate, and hatred of women comes from. The ones that never try to live by the standards they grew up believing in and have let their moral fibers be given over to the enemy they used to sing songs in praises to Jesus to defeat that enemy.

The ones that would rather beat their mother down for being a failure, instead of loving her through her storms and accept her where she is. The one who treats women based on how he feels about the mother that failed them in life.

We are not to blame. And therapy helps us address deep seated hurts that cause us to fail in our interpersonal relationships as adults. 

That mother did the best she can. She probably just wasn’t protected from something that changed the whole course of her life. I know about being that woman. I know about healing from hurt and trauma. I know that it takes a lot of strength to do so. And sometimes it is hard to find that strength while trying to be strong for little people that demand so much.

Those who are critical of others usually have a hard time accepting theirselves. So. Accept you are doing the best you can, as we all are. I am sure my brothers would protect me if they knew better. And when they know better they do better. 

Do better, and be your best. There is a whole world waiting on your greatness. But in the meantime. 

Protect your sister the same way you want someone to protect your daughters and sisters. 

That’s love. So love on purpose. Intentionally. Like in art. It takes time to complete the masterpiece. So take your time to love someone. It is not always easy. But it will always yield fruit, because it is a seed!

Accountability

I will never forget the year I fell in love I with a married man.

He was tall; 6’4, caramel complexion, and so handsome. 

I was walking up to my friends apartment, square in hand, and whatever had me stressed had me smoking the cigarette until the butt. 

He asked for the county short. I looked at him in disdain. I mean what kind of man is trying to shoot his shot at a woman walking in an alley. I immediately discarded him as trash.

But me, forever being nice, and always wanting to give what is asked of me proceeded to walk towards him to give him the short. I figured he had to be going through worse than I was if he needed my short that was nothing meow than fumes really at this point.

He tricked me though. The first time of many. He didn’t want my short, he wanted me to be his shorty. His nucca no matter what as he chose to describe it later as we got closer.

I wasn’t really interested. Especially after he told me he drove a city transit bus. I was too bourgeoisie for that. Bad, and boujee. Especially after he asked me was I a stripper. I already knew what type of man he was; and I had just come back from California visiting PhD programs at Berkeley, Stanford, UCLA, UC Davis, UC Santa Cruz just to name a few. I was being groomed for the life of the upper echelon. My ‘guy’ was working on his Masters. 

No sir. My family lives in the hood. Just because I am a product of the ghetto doesn’t mean I am a ghetto progeny. My story will not end here, and it looks as if you live for the hood.

No and thank you.

But. Life happens. Shifts change, and currents tide. 

My mother as dying of cancer, and my ‘guy’ was being dishonest. Besides, he never told me he was married. What he did tell me I disregarded because he said he wasn’t married.

However, when a year later he did come clean I didn’t leave him all the way alone. I insisted he leave. I insisted he get his own place. I was bossy and demanding. And he did.

Oh the repercussions!

I met an abusive man shortly after that. One that refuses to help raise his child, and quits a job every time child support sends papers. Touché.

I had never been a person who had a hard time finding and keeping love around. After that, however, love always seemed to slip through my fingers. Jobs became hard to come by. I got kicked out of school. The job that was waiting for me after my graduation was forfeited. My mother died. My friends became busy with their own lives. My family couldn’t help. I knew homeless nights a time too many.

And then here comes Jesus.

And then here comes this relationship with my Savior. 

And then here comes repentance, and obedience.

Jobs started lining up, money started rolling in, homelessness is a thing of the past, even after not having an income from my job in almost three months. 

Then here comes a secret desire of mine being fulfilled. Before all the horrors of the year my mother died and cavorting with the married man, I had this amazing boyfriend. One who took me everyplace I wanted to go, bought me everything I thought I wanted, and loved me unconditionally.

And he once took me to see Def Poets on stage.

I wanted to do that. I wanted to share my poetry with people on a big stage. 

But I never told anyone that. 

But one appointment. One meeting with my pastor, and he offered me a spot on the stage.

See my pastor didn’t know me. I hadn’t been recommended to him. But God knew me. He knew my changes had come. He knew I sent the married man home to his wife encouraging him to be true to her and love her like he did when they were teenagers. He knew I blocked all contact, and vowed to never make that mistake again.

He knew I was living a sacrificial life. My God knew this. He recommended me.

And I made a promise. Well not really. I stated some words. I said I was patiently waiting for my husband at the end of that poem.

Lord knows I meant it. But, the way my resistance is set up these days. I fought a good fight. I ran a good race. But someone at my job hindered me. 

Those words became meaningless and futile.

So now the hurt and pain I am suffering letting go of something I was never supposed to grab hold to is a constant  nagging reminder of why obedience is better than sacrifice.

See lack of obedience is why Saul lost his kingdom to David. And David’s taking Uriahs wife is the reason why his child with Bathsheba died, why his son slept with his wives, and why someone was always going to die by the sword in his household.

2 Samuel 12:10,11: 10 From this time on, your family will live by the sword because you have despised me by taking Uriah’s wife to be your own.
11 “This is what the Lord says: Because of what you have done, I will cause your own household to rebel against you. I will give your wives to another man before your very eyes, and he will go to bed with them in public view. 

God holds us accountable for our behaviors. We have to suffer the repercussions of our actions. This is why, i always ask God to show me how to deal with people dealing with hardships. If they are being disciplined by God because of sins against Him who am I to step in the middle of what crooked path God is making straight? If a person is constantly going through the same thing because like Jonah they are running from obedience to God, and I step in to help them, should I be surprised when I am hit because I am blocking Gods hand from hitting them.

God is a God of mercy and grace, when we repent. But he is also the same God who caused the earth to swallow up whole families who were disobedient in the wilderness, even when only one member of the family was guilty.

Guilty by association.

But God was merciful. To David.

1 Samuel 12: 13 Then David confessed to Nathan, “I have sinned against the Lord.”
Nathan replied, “Yes, but the Lord has forgiven you, and you won’t die for this sin. 

I often wondered what was the key to the gospel of Christ.

Acts 8:37!

All I have to do is believe. Believe that Jesus is the Son of God and he died for my sins. Once I believe I know that when I confess my sins they are forgiven, and thrown in the sea of forgiveness. Then I run a race working hard to win no more. 

I hold myself accountable, all while remembering there is no condemnation for those in Christ Jesus. He is my only judge. He judges with grace and mercy. 

So.

We all fall short. A righteous man falls seven times, stands up eight.

Get up. Someone is waiting for you! You did it. But grace, being sufficient, said all is well. We are imperfect beings whose desire to is to serve a perfect God. So go, and be. Become all God called you to be! Because He is the one who authored, and finishes our faith!

Let it be done!

Why you hatin’ though? When Love is so necessary

I called my old co-worker the other day.

It really was a business related call. But he and I never kept our relationship professional while we worked together.

And I know the old adage. Don’t make a mess where you eat.

The job I had before taught me that.

Women I tell you.

They will make life difficult for someone when the person they are interested is interested in that someone.

And I used to struggle with humility. The guy everyone wanted always wanted me and I would gloat. Nah.

Nah. Neeeee.

Booboo. Boohoo. Who you?

Yep. Women crying to their friends about how I looked at them cross eyed when I was paying them no attention. Poetically thinking about that funny text the guy they like sent me.

It’s never been personal. I just be me. No holds barred. Men tend to like women who not talking about their “friends” behind their back, then keekeekeeing with them later on.

I’m usually the only woman in a room full of their boys. I hear. Conversations about what women do to push their man away.

Never wanted to be her.

All lonely and bitter. Hating other women. Hating the pretty woman. Hating the woman the guy I like likes. Hating the confidant woman. Using my judgements of others as my excuse as to why I can’t be better.

Man, men can be a trip. Especially when they forget I’m the lone lady in the room listening to how they really feel about the women they’ve been playing for a fool.

So. I digress.

I talk to the unprofessional nurse. Who used to follow behind me in all my rooms. Tall brown and so FINE! In a nursing home of women he was prime picking, with his eyes set on me.

And the way he cared for our residents caught my attention. And the way the other women started rolling their eyes at me kept me in the game of chase.

I mean if you must hate me.

Let’s have a good reason.

But then. My residents started having bowl movements from their feet to their neck. And guess who can’t get out of bed? And guess who sweating and rolling people to change whole linen. And guess who won’t help this CNA in a place where help makes life better. And the other nurses, not understanding why the handsome available nurse would be interested in a CNA, making a little change when the lady nurses were making that paper. They were probably giving the residents stool softener at the beginning of my shift.

It seems like for everyone is a lose lose.

I maintain great friendships with guys. No strings attached. Boundaries set in place and limits intact. My friendliness is not flirting. Nor is it an invitation for someone to get closer. I love to love on people who are not mean to me. So I do.

If I’m friends with someone who likes the guy that’s interested in me, I’ll gladly send him in her direction. Why hold onto what I can’t do anything with?

Now, though. I’m learning teamwork. I’m learning love all over again.

The art of love.

As the Master’s brush strokes against the inside of my heart to create and change mine to clean and one of flesh when it was formerly made of stone. From the inside out. His beautiful splendor touching my mind to help me see things his way.

I used to anticipate the hate coming for just being Radiance. Giving ammunition. But now I seek the whole armor of God. My feet shod with peace. Body armor of righteousness. That means the blows of the enemy are cancelled when I choose to live a righteous life. Doing the right thing. Walking in integrity. Weapons form but they do not prosper, because how can attacks penetrate when I have on the full armor?

See hating my sister is against the grain of what Christ commanded me to do. He said if I love him I’d keep his commandments. And loving my sisters is number two. They have to be a part of that neighbour category.

See when we work together we thrive.

We help each other. I don’t care if it’s helping a sister eat healthy, learn a musical part, distinguish the difference between alto and soprano, work out, clean her space, be a blessing to her. Love is patient and kind. Love keeps no record of wrong. Like you know what a person did, but you don’t hold it against that person for the future. Love is forbearing.

We take offenses. A forgive repeatedly. Last year a sister of mine did something totally hurtful to me instead of just saying, no thank you Radiance I don’t want to go to church with you.

But this year after finally joining the church she was running from last year she invites me to a girl spa weekend in a couple of weeks.

We hugged and she’d a couple of years when we reconnected this past Sunday. She said she had been coming to check looking for me. But I was probably there early in the morning.

Anyway.

We fall short. We forgive. We move on. We become great. Loving and nurturing each other back to life one day at a time. Not leaving a sister behind that wants to stay in the race.

So. Next time you say, uhh unhh I don’t like her. And stay slandering her name to the men folk, women folk, check your heart. Where is this really coming from?

And correct. We never are too late to ask God for forgiveness in the land of the living.

So who you loving, wanna be hugging on today.

Love your sister!

 

Safety in numbers

I almost forgot who I was.

I am Radiance J. But the great I Am had to remind me of who He created me to be.

So. Here it is today I am going through my contacts. One of the women who was a kind older figure of wisdom in my teenage years upon first arriving in Boston, Massachusetts number was popping out at me.

I call.

She answers, and we have a nice chat. I am reminded that I have been a lovable person all my life. Just sometimes situations cause us to mourn and grieve and we can’t be ourselves in a pit of pain.

Anyway, I am thankful.

One of the gems of wisdom that always stood out to me was what she told a group of us young ladies after one came into our department telling us something strange, wild and crazy.

The young woman was tired of her child’s father, who just so happened to have Haitian lineage, cheating on her. This woman who was always giving me wisdom happened to be born in Haiti, so what the young woman shared did not surprise the older woman.

The young lady said that the mans mother told her if she did something in particular, I won’t repeat, to his food he would never be able to leave her.

The older woman agreed. Yes. She began slowly, that will work. However, the relationship will get volatile, you all will hate each other but won’t be able to leave each other. The only way would be through death. One of y’all killing the other.

I never found out if the young woman did it or not. I didn’t care to hear about such things.

I didn’t believe in such, black dark practices at the time. But I kept being exposed to people who practiced.

I always seemed to make friends with my exes, exes. I’m a friendly person and I didn’t have, insecure or jealous tendencies at the time. It must still be that way, because my first loves’ ex is a friend on my social media, and my daughter’s sister’s mom was just recently calling me to vent about our childrens’ father before she decided to take him back. Such is life. I’ve been known to give good advice for those who want a better life.

Anyway I digress. My exes ex. I was probably 22 or 23 at the time. I was living a wild and reckless life. Swerving around Boston’s winding roads and hilly streets, lit up like the fourth of July. But this young lady became my friend.

Her family was not from America. The lived in the West Indies before they moved here and she told me her mother did dark practices against people who did her wrong.

She was a hair dresser.

I still didn’t believe in such things, but since I was away from what I felt was a covering in my religion I never got too close to the girls mom out of fear.

Its sad to believe that people are doing these things out here. They hide in ordinary places, usually getting close to people on a one on one basis to develop a sense of trust. That’s why I have always been careful about who did my hair. It seems like those women hid in beauty shops a lot. Or maybe just in their kitchens doing hair on that one on one basis.

I fought a witch once. God won.

No she didn’t have warts, and a long green face. She was a fairly attractive young lady, or she could appear to be. She was a kitchen beautician. And she wanted to maintain control and manipulation over a man who loved me.

So she got hold of my hair in a melee, of sorts. She knew I wasn’t going to sit in her stylist chair. And after that a lot of unfortunate things began happening to me. My body wasn’t healing in an area the doctor couldn’t explain. I couldn’t get a job. All my life I had always had two and three jobs at once. Now I couldn’t find one. And then. Inside I felt an urge to fast. For a set amount of days. And I did. I didn’t know church. I didn’t know fasting. I didn’t know warfare prayer. But I was desperate. This was in 2011. The year before I would walk away from everything I knew as truth and trust God to reveal himself to me.

I now realize God led me to a spiritual warfare website where I was then taught how to war in prayer against what was happening. I asked though. I wanted to know how to ask God to fix it.

Faith without works is dead. The weapons of my warfare is not carnal, (fleshly). For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but powers, dark forces in the heavenlies.

Anyway. Things started happening I couldn’t explain. The issue with my health was gone on day two, immediately. My daughter’s father was getting in touch with me to mend our broken situation. Now mind you this is after a melee where I ended up knowing what the halls of the county jail look like because of his lies against me. And he had lost his job as a result of my petty, get you back, attitude. Third, the woman they said was doing the black magic against me, her house burned down. And lastly, I got my CDL to began a new life for my daughter and I.

I was driving big bodies. No more broke days. Things were looking brighter.

All I know is my life changed. Because of prayer and fasting.

This was before I even knew what prayer and fasting was.

But faith that God was real. And being willing to listen. To the same voice that had been revealing all the bad stuff to me all my life, and leading me in the direction of exposing lies even in bad relationships, and in finding truth about the world.

I don’t know much.

I do know that men don’t be on a course of loving God, get in a relationship and things change. And they are in a volatile relationship with someone whose heavy weights keep them from loving God the way they use to and its not spiritual.

All I know is that a young woman can’t have fire and zeal for God, let the wrong person play in her head and now she can barely get out of bed to accomplish her assignments. It has to be spiritual.

I know God has a real enemy. Which makes the ones that follow his lead have one too.

God commanded his people not to do some things because he knows that sometimes its easy to follow those who get their results instantaneously as opposed to being patient and waiting on God. So he gave them Deuteronomy 18:9-12
9 When you enter the land the Lord your God is giving you, do not learn to imitate the detestable ways of the nations there. 10 Let no one be found among you who sacrifices their son or daughter in the fire,who practices divination or sorcery,interprets omens, engages in witchcraft, 11 or casts spells, or who is a medium or spiritist or who consults the dead. 12 Anyone who does these things is detestable to the Lord; because of these same detestable practices the Lord your God will drive out those nations before you.

Then He reminded them again.
Leviticus 18:3 You must not do as they do in Egypt, where you used to live, and you must not do as they do in the land of Canaan, where I am bringing you. Do not follow their practices.

I knew a young woman who would go to psychics to get money spells. I wasn’t saved yet, but I just knew God. And I would tell her that sometimes to receive what God has for us we must go through trials. She said she preferred her own ungodly method, that made her miserable all the time, because she didn’t want to wait on God. She really didn’t want to go through trials.

I’ve learned these days to love people from a distance. Especially those who love practices God says are detestable to Him. Like the above mentioned things and Proverbs 6:16.

Nothing personal. I’ve just learned to love Jesus more than anything. So I don’t mind exposing the devils dark practices he uses to pull Gods people away from Him.

So.

That’s my spiel for the night. If you feel like you know someone involved with these dark practices run. Then fast, then pray and find a good bible based church to get close to whomever God is going to put in your life to help you fight this war the enemy of our faith has out on every soul in mankind wanting them to have his hell bound fate as well.

Not everyone looking as if they should be trusted, should be. People take a pretty face and stylish behaviors and become as the devil illuminating himself masquerading as an angel of light. See I am thankful for having been exposed to so many things while in the world. I see what it is. But better than most I can see what it ain’t.

So. If your life is going in a place you can’t understand. Or if you dont understand why you’re in a rut you can invite Jesus into your life.

Simply repenting for your sins. Acknowledging that Jesus died on the cross for yours and my sins. That you accept him as Lord and Savior over your life, and that you want to give your life to Him from this day forth. And things will change. Shift. Get ready.

I would never have imagined my life would ever take a turn for the better. Not the days I was taking too many pills and having charcoal given to me so I could get them out. Or when the acts of violence were happening against me, repeatedly. Losing my mom. Losing my friends and family. Then the war with the witch. I was like will this life ever get better?

Yes! Since I’ve accepted Jesus it has. I am thankful! I hope you find all that you’ve been looking for. It hasn’t all been easy. This walk with Jesus. But life has always been challenging. Now I just have someone who will always be by my side leading me to my best life, because He came so I could have abundant life!!!

Yes Lord. I am so thankful I said yes!

I hope you do as well!

on marrying mistakes

I’ll never forget the first guy my mother let me date. With my, in my mind from what I could remember, untouched self. And he had a hard time dealing with that. So. Me taking matters into my own hand, I went to Chicago. I got into behaviors I had never known because of poor decisions, and the coercing of someone who I thought had my best interests at heart. Seeing as I had been around her family my whole life, even taking care of her family member. No. I had never had a drink (except for that wine cooler my best friend and I shared when we were 15), a smoke, a cigarette, (we were smoking black and milds) or had even had sex.

I was 18.

Anyway. All that was out the window by the time I came back to Boston. Four months before my 19th birthday.

And the guy I left was hurt. After all he had always told me, some women you sleep with and some women you marry. And he wanted to marry me.

He couldn’t believe I had lost my jewels, my cookies, my nooks, and my crannies.

So he went and got someone pregnant.

I explained to him then you don’t have to marry someone because of circumstances. Marry someone because you love them.

If you want to know why so many loveless marriages exist. Why people are cheating and disregarding their mates feelings? Because they married for circumstances. Some marry for financial help. Some marry to hide a shame or being a parent without a mate.

I wouldn’t do it.

My daughters father was willing. Proposing on a hospital bed sad because I was the only one willing to look out for him in a tough spot as bad as I had been treated throughout my pregnancy.

My aunt told me to wait though. Wait until he was healthy and unbroken.

He had a dream though. One where I was leaving him and he couldn’t run after me to get me. He said he woke up with tears in his eyes. It felt so real.

It happened. I made a choice. He wasn’t able to come after us. And I walked away.

His family calls all his children bad. He was bad, they said. A four year old little boy who once pulled a knife on his sister. The same little boy who got kicked out of all his daycares.

I saw it in my daughter.

As a toddler she would fight anyone and everyone. My grandmother and grandfather included.

We are still a work in progress. Prayer works!!!

But now this little girl tells me her favorite place to be is in Jesus house. She said she won’t love anyone more than God, not even me!

Changes.

But if she had grown up in a house of fighting, screaming, and toxic behaviors, would she be the same girl?

I doubt it.

I believe I would have been so bound by my connection and covenant to someone who had no good intentions towards me that I would have stayed in my spiritually dead state. Maybe even going back to the religion of my youth and staying there, because of not being willing to break away from everything I knew and everything that had been comfortable to me. I mean the way you do one thing is the way you do everything. And if you can’t let go of a person who mistreats you, emotionally, physically, and verbally abuses you, its hard to let go of the ideas one has grown comfortable with about what’s right about life, love and even religion.

I’ll never forget what I told my friend those sixteen years ago. Maybe, if you leave someone you don’t love but care for your child you can be a better parent outside the bad relationship than you can be in it.

He made the choice to stay.

He now lives like he is single.

Maybe I didn’t even know back then that I was advocating for his wife. Because a woman who has to live with a cheating spouse ages, and goes through the terrible trauma of being embittered towards all she encounters, and not trusting anyone enough to even let someone who has love to share come and love the hurting places.

But I didn’t know her.

All I know is bible.

When Abraham got Hagar pregnant he didn’t marry her. He sent her away. She became a threat to his promise.

Abraham didn’t marry his mistake.

So why do we?

I have had this silly notion or idea that even though friends hurt me, because of our history, or the things they did for me I should allow them to remain my friend. When it was a mistake to allow them in my world so close in the first place without seeing who they truly were. I was ready to marry my mistake. Because my mistake was in thinking they had anything but the ill intentions they had for me.

Nope I let people go. If you call yourself my friend, but you dog me out behind my back, or do hurtful things to me and then you start being nice, that’s no better than a DV (domestic violence) relationship. Where he hurts me then comes back with a trinket to buy my forgiveness, and my love.

Sorry. I been a go getter. Since my Jeezy listening days. “Trap all day play all night, this is the life of a go getta” days.

Legitimately. Working two and three job days. You can’t buy me.

So no. You can’t stay.

So why would I marry my mistake. So caught up in the negativity of the mistake that I miss out on the promise God has for me.

I’m not for advocating that men don’t marry the women they get pregnant if they love those women. But if the interaction was a mistake out of lust, and not trusting God, then that’s a decision one must pray about to make sure God is with them in.

Children are never a mistake they are a blessing, and they deserve to grow up in healthy environments and experience loving interactions amongst the adults in that house.

But this goes further than this. What about your ideas about religion, or the bible, or God? If you’re committed and married to an idea about who God the Father is and who Jesus is and who the Holy Spirit is, how can a heart be open to truly knowing for certain? If you don’t have the peace of God and you are praying to him repeatedly. Or you need love and kindness. Or joy, or mildness or self control, any of the fruitages of His Holy Spirit, it may be time to ask Him who He is and to reveal himself to you!

But you have to have a humble heart not holding onto what you think you know, but having a teachable spirit for God to come through and show you.

You don’t have to marry or be committed to your mistake.

We even hold onto the opinions of others based one another’s interaction. Married to a mistake of not getting to know the person on our own. Married to the mistake of not stopping the gossiper in their tracks. Married to the mistake of leaning on our own understanding when the bible tells us not to lean on our own understanding but in everything we do seek Him.

Married to the mistake of thinking that God won’t show us what we need to know and thinking a person is blessed when they act holy in worship, but dogging others out behind their backs.

I have been told, warned really, to be careful of the dog who carries the bone.

But I let go. I have been blessed with the spirit of cutting things, or people off that don’t act kindly towards my daughter or myself.

Yes.

God has someone and somethings that are amazing for you in life. His promises are real. But how will you receive his promises if you are willing to marry your mistakes?

 

Don’t get caught in the friend zone!

Let’s talk about honesty.Honesty and integrity when dealing with others.

Honesty, integrity, and loyalty when dealing with the opposite sex.

I watch people who claim to be or have a best friend get little ( be gone) when the friends new love interest comes around. This goes for those who call people brothers/sisters, cousins, or whatever because of not having courage. Or rather the humility to let someone know you are interested. 

What if they don’t share the same interest. What if they tell someone.

So what?

It’s life. Live it without regrets. And pray for discernment that you are interested in a person who knows how to be discreet. And reflects the discretion you carry within yourself. 

Remember we are a reflection of the things we are attracted to.

I mean all I’m saying is don’t get friend zoned.

I had a best friend turned boyfriend once. The longest relationship I was ever in. There was no fighting. There was mutual respect and understanding. There was love. Because love built on trust and respect turns into something greater.

But he didn’t operate in deceit. He didn’t like me in the beginning. It took a transformation (of mine), and a sweet potato pie for his birthday before he became interested. But as soon as I felt the shift he told me, he didn’t wait and act in cowardice. See before hand he listened to me talk about the guy I was interested in. Quietly. Giving good advice. And even after we got together and I was confused about whether I should choose him or the one I had been dating, he was willing to take a step back and let me pursue the other relationship because his love for me was unconditional. Not based on what I had to give him, or what he wanted to gain.

See I have had people play the friend role, then slip in outings that they secretly calling dates. And then give me the googly eyes.

We are friends. Stop it.

Be bold enough to state your intentions so I can let you know early that’s not how I feel, or maybe it is.

But I’m usually bold and blunt. I won’t pretend to be someone’s friend when I am interested. I don’t want to hear about your love interests and I’ll tell you why. 

Because if I was your girlfriend…

Someone got mad at me. He could no longer carry out his role as my friend because when he had the chance to tell me he was interested someone else was showing it. 

Someone is always interested. Someone is always calling. 

I get to choose who. 

Who will be the best fit for my daughter and I. Because she’s just as much a part of the equation as I am.

Anyway. Someone else saw what Common says in his song The Light. It don’t take a whole day to recognize sunshine. I opened up. I blossomed. And he decided to pursue something. And my friend got mad. Couldn’t even be a friend when I got hurt in the situation. But had he been honest and let me know he was interested, instead of constantly talking about the guy that was for me, he would have had the opportunity to see if I could’ve been the one.

But. Loyalty is everything. And a person that turns their back on me in my time of need when I have done nothing to physically or verbally hurt them, has shown their true colors and for that I am thankful.

So. Maybe my sisters have made this too easy for men. 

Always throwing themselves at them. Turning our backs on each other or cattily in our interactions with one another for the affection of a man. Throwing one another under the bus to make ourselves look as if we shining in there spotlight when we see his eyes connecting dots with another woman. Or tearing her name down hoping she wi be like Eve manipulating that man to see things her way when she needs to be pointing him to God, asking God to order his steps and praying. So now brothers don’t know how to pursue a lady. They don’t know how to act around a lady. A woman who won’t pursue a man. A woman who will be wooed, pursued, and courted. 

Whatever my past contained it did not contain me running behind a man, trying to make him love me when he wanted to be somewhere else. Talking bad about another sister that may have been a good for for him. Because anyone knows if a man choose someone that’s not a good fit he will eventually make ways to get out of her way and go back to pursue what he wanted in the jest place before being blind sighted and deceived. My thoughts are; If you want someone else go. I know my worth enough to know you’ll probably be back here like a few others have been crying for me to give you another chance. But. IT’s all in how one ends a thing. How much integrity does one operate in?

I believe a man should be a man. He should make choices. He should pursue. But women that make themselves so available playing the friend role, sister role, or whatever role waiting for vulnerability doesn’t let that man do what he needs to do as a man, which is take a stand, a choose what he wants. Not just what had been made easy for him.

So. Friends. Don’t get zoned. Level out your clear intentions so both people can feel safe in the interaction. 

It’s all in the name and sake of love!

Because we can’t build up our community until we first build up our family structure!

Keeping opinions on hush mode..

I had a friend thank me.
Praise God. If I have moved anything. Done anything. Sad anything. Helped anything. Praise God. I’ve never been that nice. But my love for Him makes me want to be kind to those He loves. But yeah. I just so happen to love this lady. So I might’ve. But still praise God.
We were talking about relationships. And how I was the only person who never said she needed to leave her relationship. 
That’s not my job. Pray.
That’s God’s job. To lead you and direct you. I can give you my roadmap. The word of God. And let Him do His job from there. I struggle to balance my own life in my own hands I cannot carry the world on my shoulders. 
Lean not on my own understanding, but in everything I do I need to acknowledge God.
I can only acknowledge Him for my needs. He wants that one on one relationship with you. He wants people to come to Him.
Not to man. But if only His people which are called by His name would humble themselves and seek his face. Not brother or sister so and so. Not your mother or father. Not your cousin, sister, brother. 
God!
I had someone talk me out of my relationship. And the help I thought I needed was no longer available to me. And the stigma of being left with a baby followed. And when I went to visit her in her near million dollar home she purchased with her abusive mate I felt some type of way. The things her cousin told me her mate did to her, caused an eyebrow to raise. 
I was bitter.
See. I understand now that what we go through and who we choose is personal. I believe in the power of prayer to change. I believe with God anything is possible. He has changed me. He has changed people around me. 
My own two, sometimes four eyes have seen this. So now I have learned that my poor vision was intentional. I have been taught to walk by faith and not by sight.
I once loved. A man. He would beat his first love in the middle of streets. Later on he blackened the eye of the woman he was deep in love with. And he was honest with me about this. But he never touched me. And I know I hurt him in ways that should have had me worried or nervous. Kicking him out at 2 in the morning. Screaming and calling names, cussing and name calling. Or that time or two I did a couple of worse things than that. But not me. He never physically hurt me. While still a toxic relationship, I had to choose what I wanted to do. Because his past wasn’t necessarily going to reflect his future with me.
People learn lessons. And grow and change. And no one can make a person feel like their past behaviors are the end result of who God will help someone become! 
My Father who art in heaven, is skilled and masterful intelligent in his ways of taking broken pieces and turning them into masterpieces.
So.
The next time your advice includes anything besides take that thing to God, maybe it’s time to reevaluate your true feelings. Because we should always want what god wants for a person. And no one can know what that is except for God. Our opinions mean nothing when God has a plan for us all.
He says. He knows the plans he has for us. To prosper us and not to harm us.

So how can my opinion include a course of action that may not be the best for you?

So.
I live to love God. And be pleasing in His sight. And what is more pleasing than bringing his people to Him?
So I do. Keeping my opinions to myself. I know what I would do, but since my was and thoughts are not like Gods, silence is best when it comes to telling people what they should do in their relationship. 
Praise God! He gives wisdom!!! So ask Him for it. It is available to you as well!

I’m not sharing

The type of lyrics from my childhood included stuff like this

And I get tired of somebody else’s man wanting me

I need a man who’s single and free

Someone to call my own

To be there when I get home

To understand me and love me for me

I don’t want nobody’s body wanting me….

I loved Monifah back then. Especially this album.

But anyway. I’m not sharing!

Trust me I don’t!

I am an only child. I don’t even like to share my food. Or my things. I am definitely not sharing a man!

I saw a meme that said something about here in this city women share. They fight over the same man. They don’t allow a man the choice to choose what his heart wants because with low values of self they throw themselves at a man to get his body’s attention. Thinking if that captivate his mind they can have his heart. But they wind up sharing because getting a man interested in your body and having his heart is two different things. 

I have to read my word, and get my Father in heaven to cosign me with His word.

Matthew 5:7 “You have heard the commandment that says, ‘You must not commit adultery.’ 28 But I say, anyone who even looks at a woman with lust has already committed adultery with her in his heart. 

Women make themselves available to be desired by a married man, and wonder why they aren’t receiving the blessings God has in store. 

And for the single men. we won’t even cover the comfort thing. 

Some are willing to Make a man comfortable for the in house cuddling season so he won’t leave and then maybe just maybe he will stay for the long haul throughout the summer.

A hoot. A riot.

So many families have been yanked a part by women pretending to be someone’s friend and talking that man out of his relationship by being a friend with benefits. And then wonder why so much turmoil exist if they actually do get the man.

Some women don’t share. Won’t share. So they leave mates by the wayside when they refuse to get right.

Like.

This man grabbed my hand to shake it. Then kissed it. And said it was all in love. 

Not with that wedding band on your hand I replied.

Ain’t no love to recieve or share when you got a wife at home.

This city. Where people refuse to watch the chi-raq movie because how preposterous would it be for a woman to close her legs to a man she is not married to. Because, in the  back of her mind maybe she thinking. The other woman going to give it up. Can’t let her win.

Self respect? Anyone?

I wonder if from my conversations with the guys who are friendly enough to tell the guy secrets, women understand men want what they can’t have. This conqueror conquest thing. But they will accept what’s easy. And that’s why they mistreat the women who pursue them because they never learned how to value something they didn’t have to work or fight to have.

I get offended when a woman pretends to be a friend to a married man waiting for his relationship to fall apart. Or rather. To send him off on a relationship that was sent to destroy him hoping when he’s good and heartbroken she will have a chance.

Women who cavort with married men knowing they once had or have feelings for them don’t even understand the seeds they sow. 

Maybe if the girls had talked my husband into having a conversation with me instead of giving him reason to harden his heart against me, forgiveness would have kept us from destroying Gods covenant between us.

Anyway. All I know is I know nothing at all. But a married man should be talking to his wife and not a whole bunch of women friends who have ther own agenda. 

And really who wants to share? Numbers are low, but for real. You can find joy in finding self and be  entertained by personal hobbies. Or get the nurturing and love from sister friends who share the strength in a mindset of unwillingness to be a secret. Once you find out what you enjoy. No one ever really has to share. Date outside the box. Color outside the lines. Choices in life create the pattern for success or failure.

Because when we choose something or someone who has no good intentions toward us we don’t know how to value ourselves enough to pursue a life of success, health and happiness. 

It’s alright to live a pain free life and to let go of toxic behaviors in men that keep you from being the best you can be.

God has once again shown me my value. I was bamboozled once before. Perishing for a lack of knowledge. Normally the ispy but not checking out one person in particular took my self esteem on a strong detour. But God. Changes situations and people alike.

We live we learn. We move we shake.

But as for me. I don’t want nobody’s body. I won’t ever be willing to share!

Thankful and grateful: on humility

I am thankful for strength. In my weakened state, God makes His  strength perfect in me.

I am thankful for courage. To speak about the harsh realities of life. Wounds don’t heal unless they are treated. They can’t be treated until they are presented.

I am thankful for patience. Far too many times I take things into my own hands. When I sit back and let God do it, He does it perfectly.

I am thankful for love. The kind invites of people who have taken time to get to know me and make sure I have an option of not being alone on a holiday centered around family.

I am thankful for peace. In the midst of a storm, I can find refuge.

I am thankful for kindness. I applaud for all those who go for their dreams. Encourage and motivate with kind words.

I am thankful for self control. I used to do things that now I am helped by Gods perfect will to control myself to not do.

I am thankful for the Holy Spirit. These are some of the fruitages of Him. And for Jesus. The Son who is the only way I can get to the Father.

See. I have delighted myself in service to God. Service to Him means I still have to be kind to those who think and speak ill of me, and treat me poorly. Because He says pray for those who persecute me. And I have finally figured out that not everyone saying Lord Lord will make it. He will say get away from me you workers of lawlessness.

And that’s why I am thankful. Because when I prayed for Him to create in me a clean heart and renew the right spirit in me, He did! He did!!! 

And while I will always fall short of the glory of God, His grace and mercy is sufficient. He will look over my wrongdoings and forgive me, when I come to Him with repentance in my heart and humbled in my prayers.

See. I could’ve given in to the pain of a past. It could’ve been worst. But God. 

I see. Many are called. Few are chosen. There were some uncomfortable things Jesus disciples were required to do, to let go of, to see. And to stay with Him through it all. And unlike Judas, not running behind money. Chasing illusive dreams to be the center of attention for meaningless things.

I hope I will live to make famous the one who died for me, sitting next to the Father, interceding for me.

Jesus.

The only one who needs to validate me. Because He is the only one who can prepare a place for me in the midst of my enemies.

So be thankful. Live life to love and serve God. Become pleasing in His eyes. Because He is the only one who can open doors no man can open and shut the ones that need to be shut!

And while I used to cry for my momma and daddy on days like this holiday, I am thankful because I shed no tears. Spent enough time in the presence of ones who love me, and called enough sisters, brothers and friends.

And my beautiful daughter! She spent the day helping me make things beautiful!

Thankful for a CHURCH home! And a Pastor that disproved all the lies I was taught about church and Pastors. And a Pastor who listens to God to speak truth!!! It’s like every sermon he was I side my home before he preaches it because it always seems tailor made to me.

Thankful for finally having a job that will allow me to care for my daughter solo. Since I chose this life, or it was presented to me!

And boom. The one guy who sends me flowers like these  

    
 
Is patient enough to deal with my shenanigans. My cheerleader. Reminding me of Gods greatness within me. And doesn’t mind that I may not get back to a text in a couple of days, but still is consistently showing me of the value that God has reminded me I have.

Yes! So much to be thankful for everyday. More things than I am actually able to count! Not just on holidays. Everyday. God is amazing! And so I will forever to Him be grateful!!!