Consistency

I am doing this thing these days. If I start with something I aim to finish it.

Like if I start encouraging a person. I aim to do that thing until God says stop.

Or if I start with this vegan lifestyle, I plan on picking every piece of egg I can find out of the fried rice I forgot to tell them to make without egg.

If I am working on building a better me, then I want to be able to do that consistently. I remember when walking and running miles were my thing. Then I fell off. But consistency would have kept me on.

I need consistency.

I need routine.

I don’t care if you are a consistent shady character.

Just don’t ever change how you treat me.

Until you are ready to come clean about how you been throwing shade and me under the bus. 

I have come to brace myself for certain individuals and their sly comments and almost compliments. 

I have something to look forward to. 

But, I have expectations.

See consistency. That’s all i need.

Someone consistent in their decency.

If someone is going to be in my life they have to consistently be a decent person, with morals and integrity. Trust is such a big thing to me. And if I cannot trust a person they cannot be in my inner circle. 

See consistency is such a tough thing to find these days. 

Then a double minded man is unstable in all his ways.

A couple of weeks ago, I was in the train. A man I had been crazy about for all of 2016 happened to be on the same car as I. We were both so busy in our phones that we didn’t see each other. Or maybe I didn’t see him. Maybe he saw me and had his own private agenda. Because his story of wanting to go to Giordano’s is not adding up when I just looked to see what time they opened today. They open at 11 AM. We were getting off at my stop at a little before ten. He was definitely not about to wait until 11 until they opened up. 

So we were walking. I told him I threw my feelings for him away. 

Buddy was under the impression that all women get hooked on something and will stay. And maybe he thought because I am a nice person who was interested in encouraging him so let the words God has given me to help him on his journey, in addition to my attraction was going to cause me to allow him to mistreat me. Even though he would not give me what I was asking for, he thought I would still be willing to stay around for the foolery.

I am an only child. I enjoy my alone time. I have only ever been in three official relationships, because once I start something I ride that thing until the wheels fall off and even then I am slow coasting on the rims.

So he asked why. I explained that if my feelings were unnecessary and weren’t going to be put to use what use are they. If the feelings weren’t being reciprocated, why hold on. I threw them away. I have no plans to go and find them. 

He began to explain how I come up with all types of conclusions, that aren’t true. 

And the more we talked, I knew my mind wouldn’t be changed. When I am done I am done. Forget everything else. That’s it. That’s why I don’t commit. If I was committed I would have been compelled to try. But no commitment means a towels throw away. 

As our time together progressed he began to ask me for a kiss. 

Not a chance buddy. We are literally fighting for kisses. Me to not give him one, and him to force me into giving him one. 

When I explain to him why he begins to go into details about all the women he is interested in that is not me.

Is that double minded or what? Why would a man be wrestling with a woman he is not interested in?

I need consistency.

I knew he wasn’t consistent. 

Some days I would get texts, some days I would not. 

Some days he was available to talk, some days he was not.

Some days we would speak to each other, some days we would not.

I was so over it.

Consistency is king in the land of confusion. 

Life is too short to not know what you want. Life is to be lived, and what you want shouldn’t change with the current of the wind.

Nope. I want consistency.

See I have a couple of goals. And like Joseph led Mary to a place to birth her promise safely, I need someone who is consistent about listening to God to follow the path we are supposed to take to make that happen.

I know a consistent person will push and motivate me to become my best consistent version of myself, because that is something they have already conquered.

Anything else will quickly get dismissed!

Everything I want is not good for me. So I will consistently stress to myself that I deserve the best life I was placed here to live. And live abundantly. I will live consistently and on purpose. 

Love on time, at the right time and in the right season. Love like a sculpture on the potters wheel. Love like you are willing to conform to a mold that best suits the beauty of this life that you want to hold. Some sculptures, like vases, have a small opening, and some sculptures are wide enough to hold larger pieces on display. 

Whatever you allow love to mold you into, make it the you that has the most to give to the rest of the world!

Spread love. It’s an art. It was never meant to be kept to yourself, because when it’s real you can’t contain it nor hide it. The whole world will know about it!

Safety in numbers

I almost forgot who I was.

I am Radiance J. But the great I Am had to remind me of who He created me to be.

So. Here it is today I am going through my contacts. One of the women who was a kind older figure of wisdom in my teenage years upon first arriving in Boston, Massachusetts number was popping out at me.

I call.

She answers, and we have a nice chat. I am reminded that I have been a lovable person all my life. Just sometimes situations cause us to mourn and grieve and we can’t be ourselves in a pit of pain.

Anyway, I am thankful.

One of the gems of wisdom that always stood out to me was what she told a group of us young ladies after one came into our department telling us something strange, wild and crazy.

The young woman was tired of her child’s father, who just so happened to have Haitian lineage, cheating on her. This woman who was always giving me wisdom happened to be born in Haiti, so what the young woman shared did not surprise the older woman.

The young lady said that the mans mother told her if she did something in particular, I won’t repeat, to his food he would never be able to leave her.

The older woman agreed. Yes. She began slowly, that will work. However, the relationship will get volatile, you all will hate each other but won’t be able to leave each other. The only way would be through death. One of y’all killing the other.

I never found out if the young woman did it or not. I didn’t care to hear about such things.

I didn’t believe in such, black dark practices at the time. But I kept being exposed to people who practiced.

I always seemed to make friends with my exes, exes. I’m a friendly person and I didn’t have, insecure or jealous tendencies at the time. It must still be that way, because my first loves’ ex is a friend on my social media, and my daughter’s sister’s mom was just recently calling me to vent about our childrens’ father before she decided to take him back. Such is life. I’ve been known to give good advice for those who want a better life.

Anyway I digress. My exes ex. I was probably 22 or 23 at the time. I was living a wild and reckless life. Swerving around Boston’s winding roads and hilly streets, lit up like the fourth of July. But this young lady became my friend.

Her family was not from America. The lived in the West Indies before they moved here and she told me her mother did dark practices against people who did her wrong.

She was a hair dresser.

I still didn’t believe in such things, but since I was away from what I felt was a covering in my religion I never got too close to the girls mom out of fear.

Its sad to believe that people are doing these things out here. They hide in ordinary places, usually getting close to people on a one on one basis to develop a sense of trust. That’s why I have always been careful about who did my hair. It seems like those women hid in beauty shops a lot. Or maybe just in their kitchens doing hair on that one on one basis.

I fought a witch once. God won.

No she didn’t have warts, and a long green face. She was a fairly attractive young lady, or she could appear to be. She was a kitchen beautician. And she wanted to maintain control and manipulation over a man who loved me.

So she got hold of my hair in a melee, of sorts. She knew I wasn’t going to sit in her stylist chair. And after that a lot of unfortunate things began happening to me. My body wasn’t healing in an area the doctor couldn’t explain. I couldn’t get a job. All my life I had always had two and three jobs at once. Now I couldn’t find one. And then. Inside I felt an urge to fast. For a set amount of days. And I did. I didn’t know church. I didn’t know fasting. I didn’t know warfare prayer. But I was desperate. This was in 2011. The year before I would walk away from everything I knew as truth and trust God to reveal himself to me.

I now realize God led me to a spiritual warfare website where I was then taught how to war in prayer against what was happening. I asked though. I wanted to know how to ask God to fix it.

Faith without works is dead. The weapons of my warfare is not carnal, (fleshly). For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but powers, dark forces in the heavenlies.

Anyway. Things started happening I couldn’t explain. The issue with my health was gone on day two, immediately. My daughter’s father was getting in touch with me to mend our broken situation. Now mind you this is after a melee where I ended up knowing what the halls of the county jail look like because of his lies against me. And he had lost his job as a result of my petty, get you back, attitude. Third, the woman they said was doing the black magic against me, her house burned down. And lastly, I got my CDL to began a new life for my daughter and I.

I was driving big bodies. No more broke days. Things were looking brighter.

All I know is my life changed. Because of prayer and fasting.

This was before I even knew what prayer and fasting was.

But faith that God was real. And being willing to listen. To the same voice that had been revealing all the bad stuff to me all my life, and leading me in the direction of exposing lies even in bad relationships, and in finding truth about the world.

I don’t know much.

I do know that men don’t be on a course of loving God, get in a relationship and things change. And they are in a volatile relationship with someone whose heavy weights keep them from loving God the way they use to and its not spiritual.

All I know is that a young woman can’t have fire and zeal for God, let the wrong person play in her head and now she can barely get out of bed to accomplish her assignments. It has to be spiritual.

I know God has a real enemy. Which makes the ones that follow his lead have one too.

God commanded his people not to do some things because he knows that sometimes its easy to follow those who get their results instantaneously as opposed to being patient and waiting on God. So he gave them Deuteronomy 18:9-12
9 When you enter the land the Lord your God is giving you, do not learn to imitate the detestable ways of the nations there. 10 Let no one be found among you who sacrifices their son or daughter in the fire,who practices divination or sorcery,interprets omens, engages in witchcraft, 11 or casts spells, or who is a medium or spiritist or who consults the dead. 12 Anyone who does these things is detestable to the Lord; because of these same detestable practices the Lord your God will drive out those nations before you.

Then He reminded them again.
Leviticus 18:3 You must not do as they do in Egypt, where you used to live, and you must not do as they do in the land of Canaan, where I am bringing you. Do not follow their practices.

I knew a young woman who would go to psychics to get money spells. I wasn’t saved yet, but I just knew God. And I would tell her that sometimes to receive what God has for us we must go through trials. She said she preferred her own ungodly method, that made her miserable all the time, because she didn’t want to wait on God. She really didn’t want to go through trials.

I’ve learned these days to love people from a distance. Especially those who love practices God says are detestable to Him. Like the above mentioned things and Proverbs 6:16.

Nothing personal. I’ve just learned to love Jesus more than anything. So I don’t mind exposing the devils dark practices he uses to pull Gods people away from Him.

So.

That’s my spiel for the night. If you feel like you know someone involved with these dark practices run. Then fast, then pray and find a good bible based church to get close to whomever God is going to put in your life to help you fight this war the enemy of our faith has out on every soul in mankind wanting them to have his hell bound fate as well.

Not everyone looking as if they should be trusted, should be. People take a pretty face and stylish behaviors and become as the devil illuminating himself masquerading as an angel of light. See I am thankful for having been exposed to so many things while in the world. I see what it is. But better than most I can see what it ain’t.

So. If your life is going in a place you can’t understand. Or if you dont understand why you’re in a rut you can invite Jesus into your life.

Simply repenting for your sins. Acknowledging that Jesus died on the cross for yours and my sins. That you accept him as Lord and Savior over your life, and that you want to give your life to Him from this day forth. And things will change. Shift. Get ready.

I would never have imagined my life would ever take a turn for the better. Not the days I was taking too many pills and having charcoal given to me so I could get them out. Or when the acts of violence were happening against me, repeatedly. Losing my mom. Losing my friends and family. Then the war with the witch. I was like will this life ever get better?

Yes! Since I’ve accepted Jesus it has. I am thankful! I hope you find all that you’ve been looking for. It hasn’t all been easy. This walk with Jesus. But life has always been challenging. Now I just have someone who will always be by my side leading me to my best life, because He came so I could have abundant life!!!

Yes Lord. I am so thankful I said yes!

I hope you do as well!

Relationship

Yesterday I had the urge for some home cooked food.
Cabbage, corn bread, candied yams, baked macaroni and cheese, and fried chicken.
People kept on saying I looked as if I couldn’t cook, so I almost believed them. Then I tasted my cooking. Not like it tasted when I was cooking regularly, but, my baby the picky eater ate and enjoyed.
Anyway. I needed to run to the store. It was cold yesterday. I didn’t want to have my baby on the bus, so when I see the sister God has given me walking into church, I let sis know the game plan. My daughter was asking to stay anyway. Sis agreed to keep my bouncing daughter who wanted to stay in church another service while I get dinner started. And I was off.
Fortunately for me I no longer live in a food desert. Food deserts in Chicago are marked by areas that have no grocery stores, but have corner stores and fast food restaurants and that is how the residents usually find ways to nourish their bodies. But without fresh sources of food that is nearly impossible.
Anyway. In a 1.5 mile radius, walking distance for me, there are three Jewel-Oscos, two Whole Foods, two Targets, one Mariano’s, and a Trader Joe’s.
Boo. I got options. Now!
And here I am wondering why I am passing all the stores to get to this one Jewel that keeps popping up in my mind.
And I pass up the fast moving line to get into the slow moving line. Lord! What am I here for. And then I see. One of my daughters trusted babysitters. Smiling. Coming from behind the register to show me love, and I smile. God has a way of doing things when we walk in obedience.
That’s how I met the sister that was keeping my baby at church with her while I made the store run.
Sitting next to a complete stranger, I felt a tug and urge in my spirit to make sure she got to the place she needed to be. That’s been me. Why I drive the bus now, God knew He could trust me back then to get people to their destination, drop them off and keep on moving!
Being a faithful steward over few, yields rewards, like ruler over many.
You’ll never know a persons story until they tell it all.
Anyway. I made sure my sis made it to her destination back then, and she became a blessing to me later, and yet later still.
I could remember starting a new job. A year after we met initially. All the way in Niles, IL. At this time I was living on Chicago Ave, and Austin. If I had to be at work at 6 something, I was out the house walking from Chicago Ave to Lake st, at 2/3am to catch the Madison nightowl bus. From there I could walk to sis house, drop my baby off for her long day, and hop on the bus, a train and another bus.
Mothers do what we have to when we choose not to allow toxic relationships rule our lives.
I did anyway.
Anyway.
Yesterday I told sis that I didn’t want to get her to her destination back then. I didn’t know her. She was a stranger. But I was walking in faith, obedience to a God move, because I knew when He was working in my life. I had already saw the results of listening, and they always were good moves to make.
But it was about relationship.
I had no relationship with this young woman. Too quiet, for my then rowdy nature. Nah. Not really. I just didn’t know her.
Relationship.
I think now to my relationship with the Savior of my soul. Jesus Christ. The Son of God. Who lives in heaven, creating all things as God, and walked the earth as man. Seeing people in a way the Father never would see us, with human emotions, so going to the Father, through the Son as mediator, allows God to understand us better because the Son was once one of us.
Old testament Father God, dealt with his chosen people a lot differently, now that we walk alongside twins Mercy and Grace. Thanks to Jesus. For the perfect sacrifice. For the death on the cross. A perfect sacrifice for imperfect humanity, to redeem our sins.
I once walked the fine line of religiosity. In a religion, whose theology is off, and rhetoric is continuous.
And as much as my spirit wanted to do right, but my flesh couldn’t make the grade, I knew it had to be an easier way.
I didn’t know Jesus.
I knew bible verses. I knew rules. I knew religion.
I did not know Jesus.
I didn’t know his heart. I had a Sadducee and Pharisee mentality. Cruelly looking down on others for their differences. But it was all the people with differences who followed Jesus.
Not having anything to do with people who were unlike me, berating and belittling them like Apostle Paul, because I felt I had the right religion, and they were part of Babylon the great, false religion.
That’s not Jesus’ heart. Not for people. Creator walking with creation, of course his heart with Human emotion went out to those who were hurting, because we have an enemy who, like he did Job, seeks to see us hurt and in pain and turmoil, so we can turn our backs to God.
But Jesus. Opened the door so we can get back close to our Father. So there would be no more need to go through people. No need to see a high priest, a brother, an elder for our sins.

Prayer. Works. And when I ask my Father in prayer to forgive me, he does. Throwing it in a sea of forgetfulness. Not placing my sins on a card to be transferred from state to state, congregation to congregation so my sins will forever follow me via man who has a hard time containing their judgments.

This is the word of God. Not my opinion. Opinions are overrated. Save them for people who care and not many do these days. But word of God.
Study to show thyself approved. Not scriptures to quote before man. Or words to boast of in front of people.
We have one judge. He will return. And his questions and examination is the only one that will matter.
But its about relationship.
Before I had a touch from God on my life I wanted to do my own thing. I didn’t want to drive people I didn’t know places. I wanted to go to stores that were close and convenient for me. I kept my hair , nails and lashes on point, with clothes fly-i-i-i-y, so I didn’t associate with people who weren’t on my level. I did me. Quoting scripture like I had it together, negating that one simple commandment, that comes after love God with all your heart.
Loving my neighbor as myself.
But relationship.
In relationship with Jesus, wanting to have his heart for people. Wanting to love the unlovable. Wanting to encourage those who others shun. Wanting to listen to those others say are crazy, but sometimes people just want to be heard and tell their story.
Sometimes people are sent to us so we can do a work for them from God, because to whom much is given much is required.
Maybe that’s why many are called and few are chosen. Because after people hear the call, they can’t imagine God asking them to make sure a young woman gets a ride to her destination. They are expecting something grandiose. But if we don’t despise the days of humble beginnings, we have an opportunity to make it to greatness!!
I recited a poem for my church’s thanksgiving service. And after I bared my soul in a piece, feeling rather awkward about telling my story in front of a majority, where I had not always felt comfort, it was my sisters smiling face of encouragement that walked with me down a street not really talking about, but just being a source of encouragement.
You never know who God will use to push, motivate and encourage you if you always pushing people away because they don’t fit your mold.
But relationship.
Only God knows the heart, only God knows the plans for our lives.
Hebrews 12:2  looking unto Jesus, the author and finisher of our faith, who for the joy that was set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.
No need to pay attention to what comes to distract us all around us. Gods plan. Is the only plan that matters.
And that comes with relationship.
Do you know how to gain, and maintain a relationship with Jesus?
Ask and the door shall be opened!

on marrying mistakes

I’ll never forget the first guy my mother let me date. With my, in my mind from what I could remember, untouched self. And he had a hard time dealing with that. So. Me taking matters into my own hand, I went to Chicago. I got into behaviors I had never known because of poor decisions, and the coercing of someone who I thought had my best interests at heart. Seeing as I had been around her family my whole life, even taking care of her family member. No. I had never had a drink (except for that wine cooler my best friend and I shared when we were 15), a smoke, a cigarette, (we were smoking black and milds) or had even had sex.

I was 18.

Anyway. All that was out the window by the time I came back to Boston. Four months before my 19th birthday.

And the guy I left was hurt. After all he had always told me, some women you sleep with and some women you marry. And he wanted to marry me.

He couldn’t believe I had lost my jewels, my cookies, my nooks, and my crannies.

So he went and got someone pregnant.

I explained to him then you don’t have to marry someone because of circumstances. Marry someone because you love them.

If you want to know why so many loveless marriages exist. Why people are cheating and disregarding their mates feelings? Because they married for circumstances. Some marry for financial help. Some marry to hide a shame or being a parent without a mate.

I wouldn’t do it.

My daughters father was willing. Proposing on a hospital bed sad because I was the only one willing to look out for him in a tough spot as bad as I had been treated throughout my pregnancy.

My aunt told me to wait though. Wait until he was healthy and unbroken.

He had a dream though. One where I was leaving him and he couldn’t run after me to get me. He said he woke up with tears in his eyes. It felt so real.

It happened. I made a choice. He wasn’t able to come after us. And I walked away.

His family calls all his children bad. He was bad, they said. A four year old little boy who once pulled a knife on his sister. The same little boy who got kicked out of all his daycares.

I saw it in my daughter.

As a toddler she would fight anyone and everyone. My grandmother and grandfather included.

We are still a work in progress. Prayer works!!!

But now this little girl tells me her favorite place to be is in Jesus house. She said she won’t love anyone more than God, not even me!

Changes.

But if she had grown up in a house of fighting, screaming, and toxic behaviors, would she be the same girl?

I doubt it.

I believe I would have been so bound by my connection and covenant to someone who had no good intentions towards me that I would have stayed in my spiritually dead state. Maybe even going back to the religion of my youth and staying there, because of not being willing to break away from everything I knew and everything that had been comfortable to me. I mean the way you do one thing is the way you do everything. And if you can’t let go of a person who mistreats you, emotionally, physically, and verbally abuses you, its hard to let go of the ideas one has grown comfortable with about what’s right about life, love and even religion.

I’ll never forget what I told my friend those sixteen years ago. Maybe, if you leave someone you don’t love but care for your child you can be a better parent outside the bad relationship than you can be in it.

He made the choice to stay.

He now lives like he is single.

Maybe I didn’t even know back then that I was advocating for his wife. Because a woman who has to live with a cheating spouse ages, and goes through the terrible trauma of being embittered towards all she encounters, and not trusting anyone enough to even let someone who has love to share come and love the hurting places.

But I didn’t know her.

All I know is bible.

When Abraham got Hagar pregnant he didn’t marry her. He sent her away. She became a threat to his promise.

Abraham didn’t marry his mistake.

So why do we?

I have had this silly notion or idea that even though friends hurt me, because of our history, or the things they did for me I should allow them to remain my friend. When it was a mistake to allow them in my world so close in the first place without seeing who they truly were. I was ready to marry my mistake. Because my mistake was in thinking they had anything but the ill intentions they had for me.

Nope I let people go. If you call yourself my friend, but you dog me out behind my back, or do hurtful things to me and then you start being nice, that’s no better than a DV (domestic violence) relationship. Where he hurts me then comes back with a trinket to buy my forgiveness, and my love.

Sorry. I been a go getter. Since my Jeezy listening days. “Trap all day play all night, this is the life of a go getta” days.

Legitimately. Working two and three job days. You can’t buy me.

So no. You can’t stay.

So why would I marry my mistake. So caught up in the negativity of the mistake that I miss out on the promise God has for me.

I’m not for advocating that men don’t marry the women they get pregnant if they love those women. But if the interaction was a mistake out of lust, and not trusting God, then that’s a decision one must pray about to make sure God is with them in.

Children are never a mistake they are a blessing, and they deserve to grow up in healthy environments and experience loving interactions amongst the adults in that house.

But this goes further than this. What about your ideas about religion, or the bible, or God? If you’re committed and married to an idea about who God the Father is and who Jesus is and who the Holy Spirit is, how can a heart be open to truly knowing for certain? If you don’t have the peace of God and you are praying to him repeatedly. Or you need love and kindness. Or joy, or mildness or self control, any of the fruitages of His Holy Spirit, it may be time to ask Him who He is and to reveal himself to you!

But you have to have a humble heart not holding onto what you think you know, but having a teachable spirit for God to come through and show you.

You don’t have to marry or be committed to your mistake.

We even hold onto the opinions of others based one another’s interaction. Married to a mistake of not getting to know the person on our own. Married to the mistake of not stopping the gossiper in their tracks. Married to the mistake of leaning on our own understanding when the bible tells us not to lean on our own understanding but in everything we do seek Him.

Married to the mistake of thinking that God won’t show us what we need to know and thinking a person is blessed when they act holy in worship, but dogging others out behind their backs.

I have been told, warned really, to be careful of the dog who carries the bone.

But I let go. I have been blessed with the spirit of cutting things, or people off that don’t act kindly towards my daughter or myself.

Yes.

God has someone and somethings that are amazing for you in life. His promises are real. But how will you receive his promises if you are willing to marry your mistakes?

 

Popularity Contests anyone?

I walk through my garage and people know my name and I’ve never even seen them before.

We have this humble position of taking people to their destination. Almost like chauffers. Sometimes that’s how people treat us.

But that pay though.

Therefore in order for some who struggle with humility, they take their money and get super fly. Never look like what you’re going through right?

It was me for a minute. Lashes, nails, weave. That’s me though. Always has been. But my priorities are changing. I want something more.

Anyway I been looking rough. And I joked about it with one of my coworkers. He said that outside stuff only goes so far. Because it faded and all you’re left with is conversation. Out of the heart the mouth speaks.

Anyway.

I’ve learned to be me. Staying in my lane. Sometimes I drive a 60ft bus and I don’t want to because I feel bigger vehicles deserve more lane. But that big bus fits between the lines of one lane if I take my time. If I work with the skill I have been trained with.

I can stay in my own lane.

It doesn’t matter about who likes it. Its for who its for. Sometimes only 20 people get on my 60ft bus. That’s because those are the people going in my direction. Those people need me to get them to their destination.

And I do it like its filled to capacity and they are obstructing the view out my front door.

Jesus had many followers when he was passing out the food, healing, and telling them what they wanted to hear. But when it came time to doing what he was sent to do people got little.

They like the popularity. But not so much the purpose.

My daughter asked me today who is her neighbor.

I gave her the account of the good Samaritan.

I broke it down like how you would speak to a five year old.

This account which is found in Luke 10 tells us by way of Jesus’ parable who our neighbors are.

I explained there was a man who got beat up and left for dead, on the side of the road. But a man passed him. The priest. The man of God. But he walked right past this man. Like he walked to the other side of the street to avoid even seeing the problem.

See anyone can talk about God but if he is not helping those in need how is he doing what Jesus asked us to do?

Then. The levite. The Levite’s were those who brought the sacrifices of men to the altar. They worshipped. He walked right past too. So I told my daughter, if a person can dance with their feet, sing with their lips and love God buy walk right past hurting people that’s not a neighbor.

I told her about the Samaritan. Samaritans weren’t accepted by Jewish customs. But this man saw a man hurting near death and took him to the help he needed.

A neighbor. Like sometimes its the person who doesn’t look like, act like, or is acceptable to the community that will help one out in need.

That’s who I love as myself. That’s who I can treat the way I treat me. Gifts and love. Smiles and concern.

I can’t help that as a bus operator I’ve been trained to notice everything. I just so happened to see you praise God with your hand lifted while everyone was watching. Then talk about that person exposing their heart to God with their crew behind that persons back.

I’m not a man easily duped and manipulated like perfect Adam was by perfect Eve. I’m a woman who knows the manipulative tactics of women. Because I once was her, who just so happened to be trained to see bicycles, taxi’s, ubers, lyfts, pedestrians, red lights in the distance, flashing hands in the distance, distracted motorists. To get my passengers to safe destinations. Who also has the help of the Holy Spirit.

I can’t brag on myself. But God in me is bad in a good way. Or cold according to this Chicago slang.

Yes. I know my lane.

The man standing outside of CVS, high on something he wouldn’t tell me what. Gave me a dollar. But through his words I knew he had a call. The devil don’t knock down people who don’t have purpose. But I gave him an invite to my church.

The woman being wooed by the Jehovah’s witnesses. I can tell her the truth of Jesus not being an angel. Or the paradise Paul saw in the third heaven.

Or the young woman who thinks a man who hurts her loved her. Or thinks that she needs to share her cookies to get that man to stay. Who didn’t understand how her assignment as a woman is to help, how powerful must a woman be to help a man. But when she finishes with God using me to speak to her she knows her worth.

She shows her man. He appreciates her more for it.

That’s my lane. My purpose is connected to my experiences. My life. My pain.

I’ve lost an uncle to Chicago street violence. Which in turn made my grandmother give up on life. Which in turn caused my mother to stop living after losing her mom.

But my life’s experiences have been the lack of power as a woman. And women are valuable. I live to live to uplift my neighborly sisters.

So I do. Not those who talk. But those who do.

Its never been a popularity contest. Jesus was quite unpopular at the end of it all. And not even received amongst his hometown. Don’t worry about who likes, or why they don’t like. Its about ministry. Its about people knowing Jesus. And if you live to make Jesus name famous, some people will not like, follow or accept.

But we do for the glory of God.

Will you continue to be, and do?

 

 

Balanced outlooks

I’ve been wondering a lot about people. 

Like why they so mean? But I used to be a mean girl. Ran with the Billy crew in grammar school. Why did I? Insecurities. A false sense of worth and security. In putting others down I had a false sense of heightened self worth. Because if I wasn’t as bad as them I must’ve been kind of good, right?

Why do people choose people who mean them no good, and reject people that want to love them?

I go and check up on friends or exes from time to time. In relationships where they are not happy or don’t have friendships that encourage and motivate. And I hurt them and let them go because before I realized my worth there was something deeply hidden within which couldn’t fathom how someone else could see the good in me when all I saw were the ugly cuts and bruises. I didn’t understand how much love God has for me. So I couldn’t see how Ge could send someone else to truly love me so I settled for the scraps. The people who mistreated and misused, abused and hurt me because I felt like I didn’t deserve mercy love and a fresh start. 

But God.

He is delivering me from old behaviors.

Old ways. Old mindsets. And the pain of the past. The pain my body holds onto and it manifests in areas of my body I never recognized having pain.

But now it’s surfacing.

The pain underneath my scapula. Left side. The pain in my knee joint. Or my lower back. The pain that comes to my wrists.

And then I’m like, by your stripes Lord you said I am healed.

And then I get that feeling. Like I’m hearing him say, but didn’t my word tell you some things won’t go except by fasting and prayer? Oh. Then.

I gotta go on this liquid diet. Juicing fruits and vegetables to heal my body? Oh. Then.

Or didn’t the word of God say pray for those who persecute you?

I have to pray without ceasing. In praying for those who don’t like me, speak ill of me, hurt me, or whatever, I let God heal my heart by having enough love and compassion for those ones. And I free myself from the pain of rejection, abandonment, or the out in the open hurtful things that people do when they are hurting themselves.

We see people as we ourselves are. Which means we treat people the way we see ourselves as well.

So deliverance.

It. Takes. Work.

Sometimes it takes bring alone. If a person doesn’t like themselves it is hard to be alone. But it’s in that alone time one can hear the quiet still voice of God, some call intuition. But when you’ve got so many other people talking how do you learn to discern God?

It takes releasing. 

Every day comes I let out air like a balloon. It’s like God has punctured those things that came to fill me up with behaviors and thoughts and actions that weren’t like him. They came with the interactions of people that hurt me. Every cry, scream, yell, whimper etc is the release of the things that once hurt me more than anything.

So when my body begins releasing the air in a belch or something similar I am releasing.

I am letting it all go.

I can find peace. I can let go. I will and I do. I have. And the pain in my body dissipates. 

Letting go requires work. Faith without works is dead. So I work. 

And the smile on my face is authentic. It becomes easier to ignore subtle disses to my character. I can say nothing back when someone is screaming at me out of my name. No need to judge the behaviors or actions of others. Or talk about them behind their back. When I get frustrated or anxious I can ask God to remind me of a scripture that gives me hope. I am hidden underneath him. So I stay high. Praying and reading my word! Talking to my favorite friends and sisters. Hobbying. Writing. 

Because I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength. 

Yes God. I am learning a balanced life. I am blessed for it all. Because blessings aren’t in the material provisions. But in the godlike qualities that gives me the chance to enjoy those things!

So I don’t forget the mean. I pray for them. I do my part. With everything. And I can watch God my Father do the rest!

Connecting the Dots

We connect to people based on a commonality.

Our common interests keep us interesting to one another. And interests create dividends that help us cross the dividing line.

That’s really why I’m single.

My Pastor was preaching at bible study and the Holy Spirit moved him to say, the reason why you are single is because God can’t trust you around someone. His finger was pointing. It felt like it was pointing right at me. And I had to evaluate.

Let me think about that? Lord is that me?

It was. Lust was a real struggle. And then. Somebody. Made me fall in love. And then broke my heart. And then I knew. I can’t trust anyone but Jesus with my heart. 

And when I give him my heart He will hold onto it until the man that comes to Him for it and asks for instructions on how to get it.

I wrote a piece a while back like why would I cheat on Jesus? And I forgot my stance. Oh but that heartbreak reminded me.

He keeps me, and provides a way of escape for me. And because I knew I had my own struggles I chose to stay away from men during my season of change and deliverance. Until.

Him. And I raked coal into my bosom. And the fire. Was too hot to handle. And then I fell back into the arms of my savior with a promise.

Like the promise I been holding onto about not blowing trees like the breeze anymore. That’s been a three year promise I’ve been keeping!

It’s better to not make a vow to God than make one and not keep it. And fear of The Lord is the beginning of understanding. So I fear making a promise and not keeping it.

Anyway.

I have been at my church for three years in January. Not one man that attends my church can say we were talking. Only one person ever asked me out and I said no repeatedly. And to top that off I have a best friend. Who is a male. And I truly love him without crossing unwritten but understated boundaries.

So. The lust that used to control me has been given to my savior because He is the best at saving me.

So why am I single?

When so many single and handsome men work with me? Make sure I get home safely. And check in on me from time to time?

Since people see each other in each other. I will only really attract someone when we have similarities.

In my broken state, I tend to attract broken people. They see my brokenness reflected in their broken states and my similarities attract me to them.

I don’t want a broken man. I am working on walking into my wholeness. I am tired of nursing someone back to health, they get their strength and since they can’t see themselves in me anymore they no longer see the attraction. Or if he is not ready to grow with me, he will find. A problem in my changes. When I gain my self confidence and walk into the strength I embody his insecurities will rise.

I have seen both situations happen. 

I have watched it happen from the broken men that have tried to tie me down in manipulation, control and the seeming never ending circle of abuse that came from me not knowing my worth and attracting men who see that and want to capitalize on that.

I can wait. I want to wait. I want to be whole. When my broken pieces are put all together and begin to reflect the magnificent light of Gods glory then all the terrible things I have overcome will begin to make sense to me.

See I am reminded that all things work for the good of those who love God! And oh I am in love!!

So. I said before I am waiting. Now this is an understanding of why. Becoming comfortable and sure about me, my purpose, and Gods will for my life is what I want to see revealed in my life. 

And sometimes if you take the cake out the oven before it’s ready and it looks ready it falls flat. Or it’s still wet in the inside and can’t be eaten. So no. I don’t want to look ready for a relationship. I want to be ready! 

Right now though. My singleness can be used to give God glory in a way me being in a relationship won’t be able to compare to.

But why compare what can never be the same?

So. I still pursue the mark of the higher calling. Running a good race, the end result is to win the prize. Delighting in suffering that produces endurance which comes from my perseverance. Yes God! I just want to hear Him say, well done my good and faithful servant. 

No longer desiring to fulfill my wants. Wants are temporary. No one can ever fulfill all their wants. But if I fill my voids with God them I have learned whatever state I am in to find contentment.

Yes. I am content! Gods will being done in my life. And I say Yes!

Jesus did it!

You know how back in bible times the bible speaks of Jesus healing the sick, the maimed, the lame. And those demon possessed??

Jesus carries the fullness of the power of God being The Son. And since God is not changing why would I think Jesus isn’t doing what he did back then. 

He is the way. 

Don’t fight me. Fight the word of God. But all of our arms too short to box with God!

So. Four years ago. I got into a melee. That had me pepper sprayed. Attacked from behind, and as I got my bearings to finally get up, police were behind me about to tase me. 

When I was younger, I was known by my associates as Rae-Rae. They had everyone thinking I was crazy Rae-Rae. That I would fight if anyone ever came at me crazy. I just didn’t scare easily. I never started one fight in my life. I’ve always liked peace. I just never backed down from much of anything. Or knew when to shut up. Like the day I was dragged away by police, slept overnight in a cold cell on a cold metal bench, and then transported to the county.

But I was angry!! Looking for revenge!!

Fast forward. This life in Christ I keep blogging about happened. Two years after this situation. And my Pastor was preaching about the seven deadly sins one November, I believe it was. The sermon on anger had me at the altar, crying. I knew I had to let go of that situation with the young womans attack. I screamed and let go of that thing at the altar.

Guess who was sitting in a chair when I went to pick up my daughter right after church? The same young lady who attacked me. 

Somebody was lookin at me waiting for my reaction. But I gave that thing to God at the altar! I smiled at the young woman. I was full of smiles. Genuine smiles! I invited the young lady to my church. I told her she had a beautiful voice and while she reminded me of one of our worship leaders, she could have been using her gift to glorify God. I told her that maybe it was time for her and her guy to get married. Help him raise his children and live a life pleasing to God! And then. I HUGGED her!

My last couple of blogs show how forgiving a heart can be when God moves and lives in that heart. But this though!

Oh. Thank God for Jesus! 

Old Rae-Rae. She woulda ran full speed at that girl. The police wouldn’t have been able to protect her from me this day. The same strength, that carried chest high chests made of pure mahogany wood out of apartment buildings to make a quick move from Boston to Chicago, would have caused my hands to do damage. 

The only person I ever fought is someone a person is never supposed to fight. 

But God. But Jesus!!!

I left those things at the altar!

Remember back in the Israelite days, they took their sacrifices to the Levites who then left them at the altar. 

Jesus is the reason we don’t need anyone to take our sacrifices. We can come ourselves. Through Jesus.

The altar.

That’s where change happens.

That’s where the things that hurt are left behind for God to take. 

That’s where I get my strength. That’s where I feel God, greater in me than He who is in the world. 

The Holy Spirit!

I write to get free. But I get on that altar to be healed and to stay free. 

Because Jesus knows the ones the Father has sent him to get. And when He knocks! 

Do we answer?

I answered. 

I called. I prayed. I cried. And he came!

I was headed down a dark, hate filled path. I had been hurt too many times. 

I wanted to be free. 

I had a friend of mine from childhood delete herself from my FB page. She asked me was I still one of Jehovah’s Witnesses. I told her no. And then shortly later she was gone. 

Well I guess that’s for the best. I see the bible scriptures that show the inconsistencies in the JW doctrine. Like 

2 Corinthians 2:2  I was caught up to the third heaven fourteen years ago. Whether I was in my body or out of my body, I don’t know—only God knows. 3 Yes, only God knows whether I was in my body or outside my body. But I do know 4 that I was caught up to paradise and heard things so astounding that they cannot be expressed in words, things no human is allowed to tell. 

Wait. Is this the paradise we had been taught was on the earth?? Or nah? Which paradise is this? Where exactly in the bible does it specifically say Paradise is going to be in the earth? 

I’ll wait! I looked. I cried.

I seperated from people. I would look at them and look away, hoping they wouldn’t see me. See the broken pieces. See the lies I had been taught and would sometimes be knocking on doors 60 hours a month to try and convince people of. 

I was ashamed. I was hurt. And I couldn’t dare let another person come close because I had been lied to and hurt by the only people I ever believed in my whole life.

Oh yeah and then this.

Hebrews 1:6 And when he brought his supreme Son into the world, God said,

“Let all of God’s angels worship him.” 

Worship? Is that why the wise men were looking for Jesus to worship Him? We are a little lower than the angels. 

And then this.

Hebrews 1:13 And God never said to any of the angels,

“Sit in the place of honor at my right hand
until I humble your enemies,
making them a footstool under your feet.”

14 Therefore, angels are only servants—spirits sent to care for people who will inherit salvation. 

So. How could Jesus be Michael the Archangel? The bible clearly speaks against this sort of teaching.

I know. I know. Obviously. If you’re believing Jesus is an angel and you’re praying in Jesus name, and you keep getting disfellowshipped for fornication. But you’re praying in Jesus name, and you are in a religion who believes he is an angel; it might be hard for those prayers to get to God our Father. You think?

Study to show yourself approved. 

And guess what? Ask these questions you might get looked at as someone who is being insubordinate, and shouldn’t be asking questions. 

Like an apostate. Or something. And then God forbid you’re called that. It’s much worse thanbeing  disfellowshipped. No one will ever have anything to do with you. People you’ve known all your life.

But the truth will set you free!

Yes. The truth has set me free. Freely on the altar worshipping God in Spirit and in truth. 

I have been made whole and set free.

What a moment to realize at the fork in the road you took the wrong route. But sometimes you have to go back to get to the right place to make the right choice. Do overs!!! It’s not easy going back. 

I went back. Realized no one could tell me who the Holy Spirit was. I was disfellowshipped over the phone. On three way. With no meeting or prayer.

No.

That wasn’t my truth. 

Now I’ve found truth. So I walk in it. 

And continually thank God for giving me this new life! 

Because now that I know the truth about Jesus, when I ask Him to present my case to the Father he does it and I see changes. Big changes. That only a big God can do.

So now when you ask why don’t I say the fathers name like I used to. I spent 31 years calling out to Jehovah. He couldn’t hear me because I was ignoring the Son I didn’t even know the truth about. And Jesus is the only way.

So that’s why I’ll continually say. Jesus did it!! 

My Father knows what I mean!

Thankful and grateful: on humility

I am thankful for strength. In my weakened state, God makes His  strength perfect in me.

I am thankful for courage. To speak about the harsh realities of life. Wounds don’t heal unless they are treated. They can’t be treated until they are presented.

I am thankful for patience. Far too many times I take things into my own hands. When I sit back and let God do it, He does it perfectly.

I am thankful for love. The kind invites of people who have taken time to get to know me and make sure I have an option of not being alone on a holiday centered around family.

I am thankful for peace. In the midst of a storm, I can find refuge.

I am thankful for kindness. I applaud for all those who go for their dreams. Encourage and motivate with kind words.

I am thankful for self control. I used to do things that now I am helped by Gods perfect will to control myself to not do.

I am thankful for the Holy Spirit. These are some of the fruitages of Him. And for Jesus. The Son who is the only way I can get to the Father.

See. I have delighted myself in service to God. Service to Him means I still have to be kind to those who think and speak ill of me, and treat me poorly. Because He says pray for those who persecute me. And I have finally figured out that not everyone saying Lord Lord will make it. He will say get away from me you workers of lawlessness.

And that’s why I am thankful. Because when I prayed for Him to create in me a clean heart and renew the right spirit in me, He did! He did!!! 

And while I will always fall short of the glory of God, His grace and mercy is sufficient. He will look over my wrongdoings and forgive me, when I come to Him with repentance in my heart and humbled in my prayers.

See. I could’ve given in to the pain of a past. It could’ve been worst. But God. 

I see. Many are called. Few are chosen. There were some uncomfortable things Jesus disciples were required to do, to let go of, to see. And to stay with Him through it all. And unlike Judas, not running behind money. Chasing illusive dreams to be the center of attention for meaningless things.

I hope I will live to make famous the one who died for me, sitting next to the Father, interceding for me.

Jesus.

The only one who needs to validate me. Because He is the only one who can prepare a place for me in the midst of my enemies.

So be thankful. Live life to love and serve God. Become pleasing in His eyes. Because He is the only one who can open doors no man can open and shut the ones that need to be shut!

And while I used to cry for my momma and daddy on days like this holiday, I am thankful because I shed no tears. Spent enough time in the presence of ones who love me, and called enough sisters, brothers and friends.

And my beautiful daughter! She spent the day helping me make things beautiful!

Thankful for a CHURCH home! And a Pastor that disproved all the lies I was taught about church and Pastors. And a Pastor who listens to God to speak truth!!! It’s like every sermon he was I side my home before he preaches it because it always seems tailor made to me.

Thankful for finally having a job that will allow me to care for my daughter solo. Since I chose this life, or it was presented to me!

And boom. The one guy who sends me flowers like these  

    
 
Is patient enough to deal with my shenanigans. My cheerleader. Reminding me of Gods greatness within me. And doesn’t mind that I may not get back to a text in a couple of days, but still is consistently showing me of the value that God has reminded me I have.

Yes! So much to be thankful for everyday. More things than I am actually able to count! Not just on holidays. Everyday. God is amazing! And so I will forever to Him be grateful!!!

Shut your Big Mouth

so many times as I am writing have I wanted to scream that to myself.

They’ll see you as weak, I said.

They’ll talk about you, I said.

They will remind you of your ugly, dirty past, I said.

They’ll hear your story third party for the ones who won’t read who get the story relayed from another, and change it, I said.

That was really my enemy. God’s enemy. The father of lies, who doesn’t want anyone to know the truth.

But they. They didn’t comfort me when I was mourning. They weren’t with me when I walked away from everything I knew. They weren’t soft reminders in the middle of the night that this is only a season, and tests. They didn’t provide for me when I gave up my things and was like I am going to trust you God. And boy did He provide. Sending me to Plato’s Closet grab bag sells. He taught me how to stuff 21 items into a easy to tear little bag for ten bucks to get a new wardrobe. They were not that gentle voice whispering to me to go to this particular place where God allows those to hand out food, feeding us when we are hungry and they just so happen to have chocolate syrup for my daughters chocolate milk phase, and tissue.

Necessities.

They were not my God.

For His Glory! 

I won’t ever be perfect in This body. Just a woman, learning how to abandon childish ways. Relearning how to walk, talk, live and be. To bring God glory.

Once God revealed Himself to me. Once He showed me the TRUTH about Jesus. once I read scriptures for myself. It became about him. Dying daily to my own selfish desires. To give Him what He created me for.

I lost something today. I lost the proof that I even bought it. I went back and tried to find the piece of paper that fell out of my hand. And the thing I lost. I couldn’t find the thing. I couldn’t find the receipt, and I realized sometimes things get left behind. They served their purpose. And sometimes it’s okay to leave it behind because something else is waiting for me.

Plenty more where that came from.

Faithful. God is faithful. I may struggle with my lifestyle of loyalty. But He never will.

I am relearning how to blog. 

I read a book about it.

Forgive my long verbose rants. They were for my healing. From the lies, I had been told all my life, that had me suspiciously looking at everyone upside their heads not knowing whom I could trust.

So to my new followers, thank you for taking the time out your day for the extra long posts, and my old followers… Y’all the real MVPs. 

I pray God continues to bless you all in ways that only He knows the plans. 

He will. 

Sometimes it’s okay to start over. You didn’t lose from the past thing you believe you are losing. You gained a wealth of knowledge and experience that no one can ever take away from you.

It’s all for love. Love of God teaches you love of self, and only then can you love your neighbor as yourself!

I can’t ever redo who I used to be. But I can continue to pray to the Father in Jesus name to create in me a clean heart and renew the right spirit in me. Because really at the end of the day, He is the only one equipped to do it, seeing as He created me!

Hebrews 1. 

Find your healing. Seek your truth. You’d be surprised just how beautiful the world can really be!