The winners circle

it seems as if the life i’ve lead in my day will have had twists and turns so that…

I could learn how to lean on no one but God.

Every left turn I made I chose.

The bible says that God always makes a way of escape. Like Joseph had with potiphers wife. We are always given an opportunity to run.

For instance. I chose to become a Jehovahs Witness as a child. My mother was like are you sure? I felt like it was what I was supposed to do. Get baptized. Be accepted. So I did. I never bothered to check the facts about Jesus, and Michael.

God gives me free will.

I chose each and every relationship that led me down pathways of self destruction.

It seems as if when being deceieved has been familiar to your spirit, it becomes easier and easier to believe lies. If you never question lies, when will you find the truth?

It seems in my opinion the way you do one thing is the way you do everything. 

Before I experienced violence the first time, my mother had already told me to avoid the person whose house it happened at. 

And by the time it happened with the second person, I’ll never forget.

I was so caught up and entangled with the person that I left my white clothes in the laundry room of my building. All the clothes came up missing. My nice designer Egyptian cotton sheets, and expensive, for frugal me, shirts were gone. 

I remember thinking that was a sign. I was going to lose some valuable things in my interactions with the guy.

Obedience is better than sacrifice. God gives us warning before destruction and hard headed me, wanted to rebel and never listen.

I had it. I could do it, my way.

It’s easier to believe someone who has done all the research and studying instead of doing it on my own.

So don’t cry for me Argentina! 

I never feel sorry for myself because I chose my life.

I tell the stories just in case I am not alone, and someone else made choices they aren’t too proud of, but too proud to tell another soul. 

Sometimes it’s enriching to find out that someone else took steps to freedom. 

I mean if all my friends are in abusive relationships and they think, all guys are supposed to cheat and fight, then I would be crazy to think I should stand up for standards no one around me has. Until someone steps out. And speaks up, and decides to choose life. To choose love. To choose God.

My mother was the best mother she knew how to be.

She loved kids.

Being taught lies doesn’t make a person a bad person. It means that they are so hungry to find a good fit with God that they are willing to trust someone they believe is trustworthy. It sounds good. Like legal documents. Until you read the fine print.

I have been afraid to call out the religion I grew up in. They call those people apostates. And now. Now the people I grew up knowing as family, and loving more than the family I was kept away from really won’t talk to me. 

But I chose this life. Or maybe God let me choose it because He knew that some of His called and chosen ones would wind up being sent into that religion as children, raised only knowing that and would one day seek freedom. 

I need an ex Jehovahs Witness support group.

I sat in front of another ex Jehovahs Witness at my church home one day and I saw the pain on her face as she recalled some memories. 

This too shall pass. Somewhere, out there over the rainbow. Representing Gods promise and hope. Someone is questioning. Someone is seeking and will find. God is making a way of escape for them.

So run. Don’t look back like Lots wife. 

Run the race so as to win the prize. The prize of life. Look. Search. Find out where everlasting life is going to happen. Paul looked to the third heaven and saw a man in paradise. God the Father told God the Son, your throne O, God will endure forever. And God never said to any angel what he said to Jesus. Sorry. Michael. Is not Jesus. I’m sure he wants everyone to know that he worships Jesus like all the rest of us should according to Hebrews 1:6.

Please forgive my broken record sounds. But for years. YEARS. I wanted change. I wanted to serve God. And I would call out to the father. Jehovah. Help me. But he told me to get to Him I had to go through the Son. Not Michael. Who they’ve depicted as Jesus.

The bible warns us to beware of those teaching a different Jesus. 

So. My race runners. Running to attain the prize. Those who are #winning. Three fingers up. For the W’s. Seek truth. Knock and the door will be opened. To you! 

It has been for me. I will continue to be praying for those seeking truth!

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Gods creations 

Day 24

I let my daughter play hooky.

Her teacher insisted that those with coughs and colds stay home. 

Since she was coughing yesterday I decided to allow her to stay home. And since germs habitat in enclosed areas, we went to the zoo!

The beautiful animals. The intricate details of flowers. The way leaves change colors in the autumn.

God really loved us to be so detailed and creative to create a world we would live in.

He sent His Son. And in the beginning He created. And then He rested!

He’s resting. And sometimes those He loves He allows them to enter into His rest. 

A time for prayer, praise, and getting to know more about Him through His creation. 

You can tell a lot about someone by the things they create.

When a person creates atmospheres of peace, they must be a peaceful person. When a person creates beautiful things they must love those who will come to observe the beautiful things. 

So it’s obvious. Those who create the opposite it says a lot about them as well.

So.

Enjoy my picture journey of today! It was definitely a beautiful day, full of love and happy.

My daughter learned gratitude today. And I did as well!

   
    
    
    
    
    
 

  
    
    
    
    
    
   

Life and Facebook

what if life was one big Facebook. 

And we could just walk up to people and press their inner wrist, and like them.

I mean the world could be a much kinder place if more people felt loved!

We were created to fellowship with the creator all the time, and since God is love, we must have been created to feel the presence of love all the time.

So.

This social media thing. 

People frontin, faking and pretending for likes, thinking that type of attention will supersede the loneliness. 

Nope. When all is said and done and you log out, it’s still you and your cat, or dog, or mice that live in the wall scurrying and hiding.

The world needs love.

My words seem harsh in black and white, but when I flash my not so pearly, but oh so natural whites and the soft dimple comes out in my left cheek, and my too soft voice that I don’t like to raise often says those same words out loud, I get a ‘yeah you’re right’.

One like, two likes. Red likes, blue likes. 

People choose.

I have learned love isn’t always sugar coated words lacking substance. Sometimes we have to correct people we see going astray. 

So. I’m Walking to the park yesterday. A man with a ring on his left ring finger, goes down the wrong way to try and talk to me. I inquire about the ring. He tells me he just saw a nice ring and wanted to wear it on his wedding band finger. 

Ok.

Like I told the last married man, don’t play with Gods girls.

Obviously someone has made him think dealing with him is alright. I’m not that woman. Regardless to who is spewing out vicious rumors. I can be nice and brave letting him know how I feel about his lies and married men.

Then when I get to the park a young girl is letting some boy squeeze her behind and kiss on her. I tell her if she don’t stop I’m going to follow her and tell her mom. 

Sounds harsh on paper, but in real life she laughed. My tone and smile is everything. 

I kept on walking. But that opened the door for her to come back and talk to me. She asked how old did I think she was? I thought twelve so I said so, she said she was 16. I told her still. Forget boy talk. She got college and all types of things to be dreaming of. Five star restaurants to be taken to. Traveling places to go to. Not getting caught up with a mannish little boy who only wants her body, and will leave her with a baby to become a bitter woman who doesn’t know how to do much with her life besides talk about how much she need a man, or don’t need a man but finding little to think of besides a man. Forgetting to dream because a man too, all that away when he left her displaying her backside like the piece of meat she was showcasing is all she has to offer. 

I explained to her the potential and power of a black woman with all her beauty and strength. 

Michelle Obama like. 

This is not a tear down. When we get corrected it doesn’t always feel good, but it’s for self improvement. 

She thought so. She listened to me tell of the scholarship to Loyola I gave up for a boy who won’t even respond  to my requests to sell me what he has for purchase. I guess if I had a like button on my wrist she would have pressed it, because every time she would sit on his lap when she saw me make my way back around she would get back up.

It must’ve been respect. The kind way the word was administered.

So. I wonder what kind of world we would have today if more people spent time together in the real world than they did behind phone and computer screens. 

That viable need for love would create less lonely in need of attention, and more rapports, willing to rap and chop it up, wrapping words around ears to hear what words will never say.

Like I need a hug. Or I’m lonely. Or words that look harsh on paper, which when spoken aloud are said with so much love they can’t help but be received.

So. 

Life ain’t Facebook. I almost made the mistake of judging a person by their Facebook page. Like he only has… But his loving caring demeanor and nature. Don’t wow me with a Facebook facade, and you don’t know how to master and maneuver through the real world. I can’t text you if we are in the same room together. We need to interact. And if we do. Yeah that’s too weird to think of.

Life is real. You need a real person to handle the curves and waves of the storms we often have to face alone. Because the rest of the world is too self absorbed in their own stuff to be down for a person who is in a down season. But as soon as bells ring and class starts some people forget who was encouraging them and rocking with them while life was hitting them below the belt.

Because life ain’t Facebook. It’s real. Not fake. Books that hold no real story lines. 

So. No more judging based on the premise of Facebook. Because…

Love. We need love, and it’s out there for all of us. Maybe we just gotta get our nose out of the faketenders page. 

Because whether everything is what it appears to be or nah. Everyone has their own life to live. 

So get out and live life. Not Facebook.

And see how much beauty is in the world…

The frozen hearts

So.

I’m watching Frozen for the umpteenth time. 

I usually don’t like to watch the Disney movies for their lackadaisical attitude towards magic. 

The movies of old always made the supposed white magic seem harmless. But. God says in Deuteronomy something altogether different.

Deuteronomy 18:10-12 There shall not be found among you anyone who burns his son or his daughter as an offering, anyone who practices divination or tells fortunes or interprets omens, or a sorcerer or a charmer or a medium or a necromancer or one who inquires of the dead, for whoever does these things is an abomination to the Lord. And because of these abominations the Lord your God is driving them out before you.

All practices of magic are detestable in the eyes of The Most High Almighty God. 

So I watch it with my daughter. I just explain to her how God feels about it. 

So we are watching frozen. The big sister with the powers learns early on that her magic is dangerous. It may seem like fun. But it is a danger to her sister. Because she gets hurt.

And after she gets hurt and goes to get healing, something thought provoking is said.

A heart is not so quick to change.

Revelation and wisdom in that.

I was talking to a friend of mine today about how selfish I can be. 

I can’t stop remembering who I used to be because those who don’t do anything to make themselves better won’t stop forgetting.

You know.

Those people who live their lives like Pearl off 227, got more to say about everyone else and the choices those people make but can’t get their own lives right. Like maybe it’s a school program you can be enrolling in. Or some sight words you can be teaching a young child. Or teaching a near grown child how not to be so lazy. 

Man. I get flack. Truth hurts. I’m working on kindness so this is what I tell my friend. 

I am selfish.

And he sends me this response.

 

Now. He knows me now. He never knew who I used to be. 
My heart. Was so hard to change. It was filled with so many things. And since out of the mouth the heart speaks. I was using the ugly things in my heart to penetrate my lips and make me say things that messed people up. 

How awful.

A man got on my bus the other day. He was telling me about how much rage he carries. He told me some private things that happened to him. I felt his pain. See he lost his mother when he was 24. She was 42. 

I didn’t tell him I lost mine at 27. And she was 49. But I instantly empathized.

I was hostile, mean, angry, enraged. 

I mean why my momma? Why not the person whose momma was addicted to drugs. Or the one whose momma exposed him to domestic violence so he became a woman beater. Or the momma who was in the streets bringing every type of man in the house not keeping her child safe?

My momma was about me. She taught me how to read sight words by the age of three. I never saw my mother with a man until she married my stepfather. And she was always trying to be of assistance, serving someone’s needs.

Why us?

See I sat at her funeral with that chip on my shoulder. Looking at my step father cross eyed. He was the one who had an in with the insurance company seeing as he worked for them. He was the one telling my mother that the research he was doing showed that she was healing. He was the one that never took her back to the doctor after she was diagnosed with breast cancer, although when his mother was diagnosed the same she went through the whole kit and caboodle. He was the one getting engaged to the so called herbalist’s, that treated my mother, sister after my mother died. And whenever I called my mother that year she was sick, he would always tell me she was resting. Like he told all her friends that tried to call her. So I found out when I actually started talking to people about it.

Conspiracy minded yes. I believed he set my mothers demise up. If someone is sick and you don’t take them to the hospital and you are their primary caregiver you have neglected that individual. 

Nursing homes get big lawsuits for stuff like that.

Needless to say I was angry. Enraged. I was two seconds away from being Snoop D O double G and murder was the case.

And then to come home to a backbiting family? No. I am not going to clean up and I’m depressed. I’ve been depressed in spurts for almost seven years. These folks didn’t even know where I lived before my mother died. Now they taking my fall and running to tell the world that’s who I am.

A lie.

They don’t know me. If you’ve never shared a meal with me. I’ll say it again. You don’t know me. I will never let my guards down for you. And majority of my family never have shared a meal with me. At the same table. We may have eaten the same food in the same house, just at separate tables.

So. How did I release that rage?

The man told me on the bus that he didn’t cry. 

Lightbulb. 

Clicking.

Before I stepped into the four walls of my church home I didn’t cry either. I was too strong for that. But God.

Psalms 126:5 Those who plant in tears
will harvest with shouts of joy.
6 They weep as they go to plant their seed,
but they sing as they return with the harvest.

See God had a plan for me.

Jesus said, come to me all you who are weary and loaded down. That anger was too heavy for me to carry. That’s why I lashed out at everyone I saw. That’s why I used Facebook as a sounding board to express my discontent with life. That’s why I hurt those who came to help me heal.

My daughters father was a lot of encouraging words for me. Helping me. Even going so far as to co-sign a car for me and making all the payments. 

But I didn’t want no dude from the projects when I was getting ready to pursue a PhD. Forgetting I am still the young woman with the GED. Wanting to be validated for feeling like I had always  been a nobody.

Oh how God has to pull my prideful thoughts and behavior down. 

So. Change. Crying those tears. Bringing it to the altar. No. I wasn’t crying for sins I committed. There is no condemnation for those on Christ Jesus. He died for my sins to be removed. But that pent up anger. Was released in the form of tears.

So I walk this walk. Why?

Psalms 116:7 Let my soul be at rest again,
for the Lord has been good to me.
8 He has saved me from death,
my eyes from tears,
my feet from stumbling.
9 And so I walk in the Lord’s presence
as I live here on earth! 

He saved me. From myself. From bitter anger. From damaging self destructive behavior. From losing friendship after friendship. People need people. We are designed to love each other.

So next time they say don’t cry, ask them why not? To be strong? But God says in our weaknesses His strength is made perfect. 

Let Go. We just talked about how to let God last week.

Something better. Is in store.

  
Humility overrides a superficial ploy at strength. Be weak before God. He is the only one that can rebuild us all. I know firsthand. 

He definitely put my puzzle pieces back in place. So now I can truly be connected to the ones that will really care for me!

And that is a reason for really celebrating!!!

How to let God…

I’ve never been one who had a hard time letting go. 

Not after having to leave Chicago, my few friends, my small family and my job etc for that move all the way to the east coast. New cultures, and new customs.

After I braved that storm, saying goodbye became easier. 

I’ll chuck them deuces in a heartbeat. I came in this world alone. I’m going to leave alone. My relationship with my Savior, Jesus, and the Father, Jehovah is personal. So. I have learned to walk alone.

But sometimes. I get caught up with wondering about what I do. I wonder if what I write is too much. If I tell too much. And then I remember. The only people who have a problem with my testimony is the religious community. 

But if they never had to overcome my struggle. Or if they are so busy trying to be validated by others that they hide their past. Or they don’t have enough word to overrule their opinions. 

We are overcome by our testimonies. 

See I don’t love the life I used to want to be accepted in, enough, to not scream about what I have been delivered from. That’s a testimony. A shout of how God did that special thing for me. Because I once thought I would be wnslaved forever. I never thought I’d get free. So now that I am I tell my story. I don’t love or miss my past. But I am thankful for being able to tell of how I got free from it. 

Nobody but God!

My real world heroine. She’s so brave. Assata Shakur got freed from prison. Well she escaped. She received political assylum in Cuba. Common wrote a song about her. I used to play that on repeat. Because it talks about how she escaped. And got free. And before I encountered this new walk with God that’s all I wanted, was to be free.

Some people need hope that they can be free from their vices. So I open up about how it was done for me.

Who do I need to impress? God says obedience is better than sacrifice. Saul got removed from the throne for not being obedient. But he still ruled for a few years as David was being prepared for the seat. Ole David. David who did all the wrong things. And his story was told. How many times will we be reminded about his adulterous and murderous interactions with Bathsheba?

See my arm reaches, through these words, for those who have a heart for God but don’t know how to get rid of the behaviors that keep them from drawing close to God. I was once that woman. 

My old poetry full of curse words also quotes scriptures. I couldn’t help my heart for God. But I didn’t know how to live for Him.

It’s hard to understand if you’ve had some form of religious background all your life.

Not understanding James 1:26 If you claim to be religious but don’t control your tongue, you are fooling yourself, and your religion is worthless. 27 Pure and genuine religion in the sight of God the Father means caring for orphans and widows in their distress and refusing to let the world corrupt you. 

That’s why the lack of charity in the religion of my youth kept me with too many unanswered questions.

And the negative words that just keep flowing…

That’s why it’s so hard for me to look twice at a church dude. He might like me now, but would be trying to hush me for the rest of my life about how I used to be. In the fear of how others would perceive he and I, in the process. Trust me I’m nice to all. I am a tomboy, as my childhood friend said, a boy with boobs, so interacting with guys is easy. But trust me. My interest is reserved. But I go after a man like I drive. And anyone trying to get through rush hour downtown traffic in a 60ft accordion style bus has to be a tad bit aggressive.

I am nice, now. I am not, necessarily, interested.

So. Yesterday. I was on the phone with my Boston, young adult, best friend. She’s about to be an assistant principle in LA. In Hollywood. She is thanking me for being her spiritual advisor. She is thanking me for sending her a proverb devotion everyday for the month of July about what God has helped me with and is helping me with. She has an undergrad degree from Harvard, and two masters. But all I have. Is God, and his word.

I’m just a former ex a lot of things. With merely a GED, and a degree from a community two year college. 

The foolish things. Confounding the wise?? Gods word is so alive. His Spirit all Holy and whatnot leading us into truth and understanding. 

See like yesterday. Getting ready to go sing with the choir. I haven’t gotten the call about a uniform. I stay uninformed. My work schedule. Man CTA keeps me away from my God given assignment some days. But. Anyway. I have a direct connection to the source. God showed me blue and white. So I wore a blue and white top. And after I called my director already en route to the event, he told me blue and white.

God is faithful!

I must be obedient.

I am learning how to let go of people who I am supposed to let go of. Those are usually the men who came in between myself and my sisters and kept us from keeping a divine connection by turning me against someone when he never had any intention of doing right by me. 

It’s like my baby’s father making Everyone believe I’m a bad person. Because he with one baby momma this week. Then with My daughters Irish twin (they eight months apart) momma the next. And always going back to the one who can’t get pregnant. Because he looking for a good meal, or a new outfit, or money on his phone bill because according to his homie he quits his job Everytime they threaten to take child support out.

Yeah. He can’t get nothing from me. But a hello and a smile.

So. Follow the lead.

Warning come before destruction. God always wants to show us. Something. Maybe who we can help. Maybe who we can encourage. He is alive. He knows all and most importantly we knows the plans he has for us all!

Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope. 

We all have different assignments in our piece of the puzzle. Different gifts. And different relationship with God that comes with different expectations. 

I told the man yesterday cleaning my cousins car that always puts his supplies on my car that the next time he put his stuff on my car I wasn’t going to be nice. He assured me I was going to be. I laughed. I looked at my cousin and asked him to let the man know I didn’t use to be nice. He shook his head not even able to make eye contact with me. 

But God. But change. Maybe I am supposed to share, because I need much humility. 

To whom much is given much is required. 

So yes. Let Gods plans become manifest in your life! No one else knows what you need. But when He comes in the form of that quiet voice when all is still. Let Him speak.

Our spirits have always been connected to God. Our vices keep us separated, listening to the desires of our flesh.

But freedom….

My life

So I wake up with Revelations on my mind 12, so I read it all.
The first part of chapter 12 reminds me of the hour of prayer I came in on for 12 hour prayer, but 11 stands out. 11 And they have defeated him by the blood of the Lamb and by their testimony. And they did not love their lives so much that they were afraid to die. 

I’ll die an ego-death. No longer afraid of what others think of me. 

My childhood Boston best friend asked me how did I combat depression. I worship, I praise. And I talk about the struggles I’ve overcome, in humility. 

I blog. It’s not my current struggle. I wait until I overcome to share what God pulled me out of.

God blesses me with joy and peace! 

And praise report. She texted me back. My testimony is powerful!! To her. Praise God! His word doesn’t return null. 

We are won. By the sacrifice of our Lord and Savior and by letting each other know what He did for us personally.

I will continue to share. My life is not my own!!

Romans 12:1And so, dear brothers and sisters, I plead with you to give your bodies to God because of all he has done for you. Let them be a living and holy sacrifice—the kind he will find acceptable. This is truly the way to worship him. 

Yes. That’s the big things. The things I want to leave behind. Fornication, smoking ( and if you knew me in my old life smh the way I’d pearl a B you knew that was one of my first and only loves) , cursing, etc. I present my body to relinquish those things and walk the walk God has placed me on.

But that’s also my mouth. Avoiding speaking on bad things. But speaking about the goodness. What I have overcome. By the blood of the lamb. By God sending His Son. For loving me enough. For loving us all enough. 

I’ve been changed. I don’t have to ask have I changed. The disrespect that no one ever gave me before this new life, because I might go crazy. I accept now and let my Father fight for me. This desire to love pleasing to Him. Even my unacceptable living situation, I refuse to lower my standards for help from the opposite sex. 

I will wait and stand still to see the salvation of The Lord.

So. It might be too much. For some to digest. 

Reading is a choice. Only you can make it. But to the people who have told me my words are a blessing to them. Or the ones that don’t say a thing. Or my readers I see you in Brazil. In Italy. In these countries I would love to visit one day. I pray God blesses you all and you are touched at the life and changes of one woman through my newfound relationship with Jesus. See He is the only one who can present me and intercede for me to our Father in heaven.

Yes. It’s just seeds. Planted. Like Paul. If I plant. god sends Apollo, whomever that may be, to water. But at the end of the day God makes it grow.

So like this Jason Nelson worship playing in he background. You might not see Gods worth in me. You might not see it in yourself. You might be waiting on man to validate you. But promotion does not come from the east or west. 

It comes from God.

Him alone.

So. Be blessed. Thanks for reading. Live life. On purpose. Quiet strength. In preparedness for whatever promise God has for us. 

And He is faithful. Taste and see that He is good! He is good. 

Thank God for His goodness!!

Who gave you the gavel??

How do others find time to judge another persons life, the choices they make in their lives, and the things they do to have peace of mind.

Isn’t it easier to make ones self become ones best self than concern oneself with another??

Why do we judge? Others? When the word of God is a double edged sword. 

Wouldn’t it be easier to pull the tree out of ones own eye before pulling a piece of straw out of another’s?

My sister sent me some of her reading one day. I decided to go back and see what it was talking about and found Romans 14:10 So why do you condemn another believer? Why do you look down on another believer? Remember, we will all stand before the judgment seat of God. 

How can one look down on the choices of another’s life when we are all sinners saved by the grace and mercy of God!!

I saw some posts of my friends who happen to be in same sex relationships and felt their hurt. I didn’t know how to respond. But I now am ashamed of my inability to reach out to them to remind them of the love of God. 

His love outweighs all sins. Because some folks hide their sins and believe their sacrifices outweigh the knowledge that their disobedience is displeasing to God. But they berate someone who doesn’t even know God in a personal and intimate way to know what His word says.

But Jesus said, come to me all who are loaded down. 

How can they come unless they receive his love from a witness who knows first hand what his love can do.

See I don’t know. For anyone else. But I know me. I know who I used to be.

This passion for Christ ministry’s rhetoric that I keep purchasing a ticket for, but can’t seem to get a ticket to California to see reminds me.

They have ex, shirts. They encourage attendees to wear their ex shirts.

Mine would be laden ex with some awful stuff!

Ex-fornicator, ex-adulterer, ex-stoner, ex-addict, (lean, tobacco, liquor etc) ex-liar, ex-thief… The list goes on and on. And on. And on. 

See I know when the gay marriage thing hit this scripture reverberated all over social media sites. 

1 Corinthians 6:9,10

9 Don’t you realize that those who do wrong will not inherit the Kingdom of God? Don’t fool yourselves. Those who indulge in sexual sin, or who worship idols, or commit adultery, or are male prostitutes, or practice homosexuality, 10 or are thieves, or greedy people, or drunkards, or are abusive, or cheat people—none of these will inherit the Kingdom of God.

 But God is not a God without hope. Somehow 11, wasn’t stressed.

11. Some of you were once like that. But you were cleansed; you were made holy; you were made right with God by calling on the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our God. 

 I had a friend come to me recently asking me how did I get over the depression of the life I once lived. See she knew me as a young woman where even in the religion of my youth, I was sad all the time. I kept a just in case drawer. Full of pills. Just incase I had to make a quick, easy, getaway. From this thing I could never believe was life.

I couldn’t answer her at the time.

Now I can. 

The same way I walked away from my stoner life. I waked and baked so much I thought that was the excuse for why I can’t remember anything now. 

No. I was just being lazy.

The same way I walked away from fornicating. Even after I fell. And realized even falling for a quick moment back into sin, the hurt to my heart of displeasing God after all He has done for me was not something I wanted to do continuously. 

The same way I walked away from whatever else I was doing on a regular basis. 

Jesus.

When I realized who He really is. When I began worshipping God in a real way. When I stopped letting the enemy of my faith hold me back by reminding me and condemning me, or shaming me, but I believed God and let Him replenish me. 

Yes. 

That’s when life turned around for me. 

See whatever sad moments I have can’t compare to not being stuck in my bed for days on end, curled up, crying to my grandma! 

I have joy. The joy of The Lord is my strength. I have peace. Peace that exceeds understanding. And I explained in the last blog how I get all that. Praise. And worship. To my Father in heaven!!!

Through Jesus. Because no one can come to the Father unless they go through Jesus. Like the disciples he gathered on earth. They had personal relationship. He knew them, and they knew him too.

But really.

I don’t know anything.

I’m just experiencing life.

I have found something that works for me. And when my childhood friend. Saw me last, the same one who used to sip lean, and smoke kush in barricaded bathrooms, he said that he saw the difference in whatever I was doing!

Joy. Peace. No need to try and tear me down for what’s going on over here. God is a vindicator. It’s better to reflect self and ponder over how to become better than to try and judge another for whatever they are doing. 

Because God fights every battle. And I know Him to be my personal commander in chief. He gets every victory!!

So. Judgements aside. They are unnecessary. Who knows better how to fix others besides God. He told us to come to Him. Not to you, passing judgement. 

Judge lest not you be judged. 

I know the word. It’s there to do many things. But it starts with self first. And there are too many things I can be learning for myself before I can tear another down with it. 

I can use it to encourage and upbuild. Messages of hope. Messages of love.

Like Jesus said, let you without sin be the first to cast a stone. 

And as He sent that woman who committed adultery away, he is the only one who can fix and change so she can become an ex. 

So. My people. Of the religious spirit sort. Never forget. The only time we ever saw an account of Jesus angry was in the money changers house of God, turning a place of worship into a den of robbers.

So. Let’s all love. Love of Christ. Glory carriers. Be light. Be love. 

But most importantly be groovy!! March to the beat of the drummer who saved us all. The beat of forgiveness and understanding. Not judgement.

Because gavels are only as good as the wood it’s knocking on. And since you have no authority to use one, my best guess is that you’re really just hitting on dead air!!

My Proverbs Project

I just spent the last thirty one days sharing love, light and the word with nine women. Me included makes ten. 

Shorties we was tens, tens, tens. 

There were also Ten Commandments. So maybe some researchers are right on when they say ten represents Gods governmental rule and our obedience to the laws that we are governed by.

I know that I am calling out to wisdom these days.

So I happen to notice a status the other day. Something someone said about non blood relations not being sisters.

Anyway.

Sisterhood.

I have sisters. We went over proverbs together. And we fellowshipped, conversed and shared love. I mean when I was feeling really low yesterday here come my sis with this message…

  
How beautiful. See we understand that God places people in our lives for reasons.

Another friend. I never called her my sister because she was my best friend. But I bought prom dresses like a big sister. Bought her first cell phone like a big sister. And when I rolled over and saw her and my ex together intimately I forgave her like a big sister. Eventually. Not immediately. After….

Yeah. Praise God for new beginnings. Praise God for maturity. See she and I were children. And sometimes children, and young adults do things they will never be proud of, and wish we could take back. but we have an enemy.

His job is to make us walk head held down in shame and condemnation. His job is to constantly remind us of who we were before meeting Christ! But God reminds us that there is no condemnation for those in Christ Jesus. We are a new creation in Christ. I am not who I used to be. So if you’re looking for her, and want to remind others of who I used to be be careful that God doesn’t begin judging you for all the sins you’ve done yourself. And not childhood repeats of what you’ve seen. But full fledged grown up choices to neglect what you knew to be the right thing to do. What others will never know Hod will always know.

Don’t be so caught up in judging others that you forget to repent of your own stuff. Because we are responsible for our own stuff before we can point fingers at others. You know the story of straws and trees on eyes. 

Judge lest not you be judged. By the true judge. The one who has forgiveness in the palm of his hands and He forgives us the way we forgive others.

Amen!

So here we are. We are loving. Sharing. We are growing in wisdom. We are letting the word of God be a light to our pathway. We are moving forward leaving those things behind. Wisdom is so welcome here that I shared the sentiment with one of my sisters that I want to do this again in August.

See some sisters I just met since joining my church. One even so recent as joining the choir. But one has been my sister for over twenty years. We used to joke with our peers saying we were blood. We lied and said, We had the same father. But this same sister sat on the side of me at my fathers funeral when none of my blood joined me. Same sister waited in courtrooms for, yeah, praise God for his mercy and grace!!!

Newer sisters offered help with my daughter and some of the words that just kept me uplifted, man, praise God! He is faithful to send everything I need. 

I took a break from interacting with the fellas this month. I realized the only thing I miss having a man for is cleaning out my car and taking out trash. So since I’m pretty much straight on the guy level I guess I will enjoy single life until My Heavenly Father changes my relationship status. 

So. 

I guess my healing and deliverance from the pain of my past came in July! Praise God. No longer a need to share what once hurt because now I find freedom to be me!

August. A new proverbs month. 31 days of sharing the proverbs with you all! I hope you stick around to enjoy the wisdom that comes from the living word of God! It has changed my life immensely. I hope it changes yours as well!!!

A beautiful Life: Freedoms way!

So.

Thecincinnati chronicles  began Friday night.

I worked an 8 hour shift got off and took my daughter to her granny’s house.

So. I’m ready to leave and who do I see walking in? 

My daughters baby sister. Who just so happens to be only eight months younger than my daughter. So whatever to those people who got the side eye thing going on when I talk about being in love with my baby daddy’s friend. Like he said. We weren’t together. 

I mean for real!! I am determined to love and be good to who is good to me, while aiming to love everybody with the love of Christ. 

But even Jesus was selective about His inner circle. John, James and Peter sound familiar?

Anyway. I guess seeing my daughters father walk in with this baby momma, obviously together, when my daughter just saw him week before last at the other baby sisters house, was supposed to make me feel some type of way.

The devil need to come with new tricks because obviously I’m over that. I’ve moved on. I can only allow so much hurt and pain from one person that I never created a covenant with. Praise God for no marriage vows!! Because now a days that’s a whole different story.

Whatever tho! I am determined to enjoy my trip!

I only have a couple hours of sleep before I get up, catch the bus downtown to get my bus.

Now the waiting game.

All the while I’m praying and men that spend their life preying see a woman alone and I become a target. But my prayer gets answered almost immediately. A man coming out of nowhere comes right in the middle of the man and I. 

Talk about a spirit led life.

He was homeless but told me many stories of how he doesn’t have to put his change cup out he offers assistance to tourists and they bless him with money. One gave him $23 dollars. 

I didn’t have much I give him. I had thirty dollars to last me my trip. But i had a band that would bring him to my church, and some information about the CTA’s second chance program.

Anyway. I get on my bus and make it to cincinnati. I meet a lady. She picked me out the crowd. Of course. My run on sentences aren’t exclusively reserved for my blogs. I’m a chatterbox in real life. If I can feel you. And if that feeling makes me feel good. Male or female it doesn’t matter. I will talk your ear off!

So. We exchange numbers. I invite her to church, for her younger family members and she’s giving me so many pearls of wisdom! I do love my elders for the gems and pearls of thought!

Anyway. Once in Cincinnati I decide to see the sights and I’m in the hood. But I’ve been sent to a market that just so happens to be past an area that has long been forgotten. Renovation efforts look to be far few and in between.

But along the way I meet more people. I share words of love and light. We talk about life. And my excitement can’t be contained about the live music my ears have been waiting for.

I decided to cancel my hotel room. Stop isolating myself in seclusion and get ready.

I told the man who was trying to bait me in my aunt and uncle was at the concert. I knew they were in cincinnati but they didn’t know I was there so I didn’t know if I would see them. But I did.

  
So I sit down and a married woman and man come and sit next to me.

Her green eyes seemingly look past me dismissively. They don’t speak. But a few minutes later two women come and sit next to me. They introduce themselves as wives and they loved, and laughed and talked to me.

  
I got ants in my pants and I wanna dance so I never could sit down! They watched the bag that held the extra clothes I changed out of to make my night memorable.

So.

Mali Music. One of my Facebook friends put me on to Mali Music. And He represented our savior all night long!

  
And then Ms. Avery Sunshine. She’s a believer. And then Kem. Beautiful Kem. He gave God glory and had a word of encouragement that brought tears to my eyes.

Could it be my father strategically placing His people outside the four walls of a church to bring church to the masses. 

Jesus said wherever there are two or three gathered together he is in the midst.

God also reminded us that he reads the heart while man looks at the outer man. 

See the two ladies on my right were so kind they offered to pick me up for the next festival from my bus stop and give me a place to rest my head in their own home. 

I mean how will people let you in without love and trust that you will not hurt them or attack them the way the world does continually. People are hurting. Jesus commanded us. COMMANDED, Not asked or suggested for us to love. His laws are for his followers. And the only way a person will become a follower of Christ is to know His love. His love is greater than anything!

See I know what shunning looks like. The religion of my youth puts people out for them to no longer be spoken to for smoking cigarettes, fornication, adultery, etc. 

that’s why I aim to love.

I had to leave in the middle of Jill Scott’s performance and met another beautiful woman. She saw her friend in a compromising position and pulled her out of it! I reminded her how good a friend she was and she loved my light and spirit as she said that she adopted me as her little sister. 

Perfect for the next outing since she works for a luxury hotel.

See we are placed to be in people’s lives to be light. In the middle of darkness because we don’t know te troubles their lives have seen. 

But love.

It changes things.

Love for self makes way for freedom.

And when I get outside I finally look up and see the road I traveled on to get to the concert.

  
Yes. My heart. My life. My love is free. No more bondage or captivity. The lady with the pearl pants reminded me of the beauty of individuality. I wasn’t born to adapt to the mold, but to break out of the confines on mans narrow mind. 

Te God I serve is too big to be trapped into other people’s expectations of me.

I can assure you I may never meet them. But my aim is to surpass them.

Only God has the final say so. So praise Him for His exclusive wisdom!!

Live life laugh love. Just like that. Because you’re worth it!!

  

The struggle within

so. 

I’m talking to my daughters granny Sunday.

Life, love and the usual rigmarole. 

Because whenever we get together it’s like old girlfriends who haven’t seen each other in ages and the conversation goes on and on, and on and on. E. Badu style.

But we’re finishing off the conversation about me catching feelings for her son’s friend. She got confirmation from her daughter that my friend, her sons old friend, is a good guy. They talked about him being good to his kids, and how well he cooks. And man. To my inner and outer fat girl I think it’s harder to let go of the reminder of those greens I was almost slurping up than anything else. Not really but you get the picture.

Anyway. She’s reminding me to sometimes just let things go. Be easy. Chill out. 

It’s so true. I was a relationship sabotager. Before I loved me I couldn’t fathom how another could possibly love me. So I be messing up. It’s that fruitage of the spirit, self control I was lacking. 

Anyway. I let her know why I was so crazy with her son.

My mother had just died.

I had no religion. No place to worship. I was a distant memory from the religion of my youth. But even still everything I wanted, whether I asked God for or not, he would give it to me. I got so arrogant with it that when I didn’t get something, or someone, I just said I must not have wanted it bad enough. So of course, I just took for granted that God knew I needed my momma. I didn’t even bother to ask him to save her life. I mean I had spent the summer working eighty hours each week, for the first eight weeks in A management training program and as a security guard, at night. 

But all that chasing money had me losing what I valued most, when really all I ever was supposed to do was love God first and he would add all other things unto me. 

My aunt kept telling me on the phone to pray, I kept telling her what the doctors were saying. And screaming like a maniac, it’s too late!!!

Anyway. I reminded my baby’s granny, who knows what it feels like to lose a mother, of the pain. She finally nodded understanding.

So.

Here I am yesterday. Just so happen we are riding past the tent I would avoid like the plague as a young teen. Madison and Laramie. The tent been around the corner from where I grew up all my life, before I left for Boston, but I never believed there would be anything from God under there for me.

But two years ago. Jesus! What a powerful name!!

So yesterday.Tye Tribbett is giving a good word. 

Genesis 32: 24 So Jacob was left alone, and a man wrestled with him till daybreak. 

Right before Jacob became Isreal he wrestled.

Tye posed a question. I shall paraphrase.

What if we all wrestled like Jacob, but it was with our inner wo/man, the person who is need of change? The person who needed to submit to God. And we have to break something before we give in?

How many times do I have to go through heartache from a man who loves the streets more than he loves me before I am willing to submit to a man of God’s love? How many drunken calls will I excuse? And his inability to cherish me like Christ does the church because He doesn’t even know much about Christ to know how he is supposed to love me? How many fake friends will I accept just to be accepted? When God is showing me the beauty in me to be a leader, stepping out in faith alone, knowing that He is guiding my every move.

I mean. The kind and wonderful woman that sat next to me at the Cincinnati fest said she wished she could be like me, willing to adventure life alone and still be able to enjoy herself.

No fear.

Didn’t proverbs remind me yesterday? About being careful about those friendships.

Proverbs 27:6 Wounds from a friend can be trusted,
but an enemy multiplies kisses. 

The commentary says, 27:6 Who would prefer a friend’s wounds to an enemy’s kisses? Anyone who considers the source. A friend who has your best interests at heart may have to give you unpleasant advice at times, but you know it is for your own good. An enemy, by contrast, may whisper sweet words and happily send you on your way to ruin. We tend to hear what we want to hear, even if an enemy is the only one who will say it. A friend’s advice, no matter how painful, is much more valuable.

I need real, and why do I have to go through pain in order to be willing to reach for it. I’ve been in bed, heartbroken for the month of July sleeping too much, or exercising too much. Really? I’ve only combed my hair one time this month. Trust me. This natural thing wasn’t supposed to be this natural. I was going through, but I’m coming out.
See it wasn’t that I couldn’t have what I wanted. I just couldn’t have him sober, he wouldn’t sober up for me. I couldn’t have him put me first, baby momma got me moved out the place he gave me. Oh well for that.

Every good and PERFECT gift comes from the Lord. So patience.

No need to run into pretense and profitability. Because sometimes people only enter into your inner circle to see what they can gain from the interaction. Failed relationships, love and friendships have cost me much. 

Literally.

Win some, lose some. It’s life it goes on.

So now. I struggle. I write poems I don’t want to recite. Maybe they’re not good enough. I’ve written a book or two, that maybe no one will want to read.

But Jay Ivy told me. One day. As he signed his book for me that I would be doing the same for him.

  
Maybe that lady was right. I am my own worst enemy. And what do you do to enemies? You fight them. Maybe I have been wrestling with myself. Wrestling with my potential for greatness. Wrestling with my possible accomplishments. Wrestling with going back to school. 

Graduating with a 3.7 with an associates degree is nothing to a self sabotager, when she has gotten kicked out of UIC.

Yes, I. Shaking my head at me. Not in pity, but in disbelief. 

I can travel alone, drive 60foot vehicles, deal with Chicago’s west side public and I’m afraid of an itty bitty pen. 

To sign up for school? To revise poems for delivery and execution of style? To edit novels?

No. No. No.

Change soon come.

I let someone call me Jua’Donna. He was afraid to call me Radiance maybe? He ran from my light. I cried. He tried to return, but I have a hard time letting exes come back. You shouldn’t have left. So he left again.

For real fellas. The only reason a woman leaves is for you to come and get her. 

Where’s the chivalry?

But for the persistent type, like my running to make sure he not late to pick me up. Calling singing me songs on the pay phone. Bogarting the  line to make sure my free tickets for Jilly from Philly doesn’t go to waste with us being too far behind the cut off point for the almost to capacity club. Yep that ex got chances. A heart once reserved for him found freedom in God.

The struggle for me has always been within.

But victory. It’s in store. Right around the corner. I see victory waving, and I’ve got my white flag of surrender.

Like my daughter told me last night. “God says be brave.”

So. I shall.

The Spirit will always lead, but how broken will I have to be to follow?