There is a rumor in my family that Usher Raymond is my brother.
My father forever playing with my grandmother saw him on a TV screen and told my grandmother, that’s my son Jean. Don’t you remember?
Grandma recounts a memory of a young man coming to her door steps. He was with his mom. He was telling a story about how he was about to go start a singing group with some other young men. He was going to California.
Grandma was in a funky mood, the day of the alleged meeting. She just had surgery on her stomach. She was in pain. My earthly Papa was a rolling stone. So when he hollered out, Jean come meet my son. She replied, with harsh tones, you always bringing someone around here talking about they are your child.
Needless to say, the man-child grandma describes as Usher never returned.
I don’t know what to believe.
I have a doppelgänger. Her name is Jasmine Sullivan.
Maybe Usher is my father’s doppelgänger. Even my mother saw him after hearing grandmas story and said he looked like my father down to his hands.
Maybe it’s the truth.
Usher has this song on his new album Hard 2 Love.
On the track Hard 2 Love, he says, “it’s like you’re gambling falling for me. I’ll kill you, you’re gon lose.”
I never did that love thing. My father had a hard time settling down. I do too. It’s never been a big interest of mine. My big brother does too.
I used to treat my lovers like a black widow spider. I never tried to keep them around for too long, and in the process they would get their hearts broken. After two months it was dead and gone, and all I was left doing was getting what my body craved until someone new came along that I found more interesting.
That’s why after my assigned appointment with Jesus I didn’t pay any attention to any of the men in my church. Now that I have opened my eyes I can see how fine they are. But I had spent my life leaving a trail of broken hearts behind. And only picking up the pieces when I get bored. So I was afraid to do that to another person after finally becoming remorseful for how I treated these men who were so kind to me.
Then last year. Someone caught my eye.
Then he told me something that made me look at him with interest.
Then he listened to me and reminded me of some things I said. He listened to me.
Then he went out his way for me.
Then he respected my no.
Then he sang a little song about Jesus for me.
Then. Then. THEN. He told me he was proud of me.
I think I fell in love. I am unfamiliar with being in love. But. Every time I saw him talking to a woman, I was unbothered. I didn’t need to talk to him everyday. And would still send him texts when he didn’t respond.
Then the Jehovah’s Witness in me came out. I was leaving him literature to read by way of letters. Even after he told me he didn’t see us being in a relationship.
Surely I can change his mind.
Then I realized he was for real.
But love doesn’t stop just because the other person is no longer interested.
I get a chance to feel what my former loves felt.
But then I get to feel firsthand what my Savior has to feel for me.
Even when I am unresponsive, or cold to him. He still loves me. Even when I ignore him. He still loves me. Even when I disappear, he is waiting patiently to come open the door for me no matter what time I arrive. He still has his words readily available and is constantly sending people to me to give me his words.
Just like I have done with that man.
Love doesn’t look for reciprocity. That what are you doing for me mentality doesn’t exist with love.
I pray for this man. Not that he will love me. I pray that whatever woman he finds will love him, and will treat him better than he has ever felt. I pray that if she can’t love him like he deserves to be loved that God will show her how. I pray for the best in his life. I pray God changes what needs to be changed, and heals whatever hurts.
Love is not selfish. I finally get that now. It’s not about me.
Love makes the hard to love, easy!
I bet you didn’t know you have a perfect Savior waiting to love you just like that.
His name is Jesus. Call on him, he responds!
And He just like someone truly in love, will meet you wherever you need him to meet you.
That’s love. That’s love a couple of forevers style.
My Savior is the only one who knows about forever. He is the only one who can teach us how to love and how to give it and receive it.
Have you ever wondered what you have to do to let him in?
I never knew how to love. Now I do and I am forever grateful. Because when you sow seeds, even ones of love, they always return. And I am feeling loved these days.
I guess I am not so hard to love these days. And more importantly. I have found that those hard to love is actually easy when one is overflowing and bubbling over with love.